Grapefruits, the Adventure
by AlKaholiK
Summary: This is the original, the one that started it all! This was originally written from the end of 2003 into the beginning of 2004. I hope you enjoy it, and of course, feedback is greatly appreciated. REPOST
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I own no one, I own nothing.

**_A/N—This was originally written around the end of 2003 through mid-2004. That's why a lot of the people mentioned in this story don't work for WWE anymore._**

* * *

**__**

Setting is in New York, NY

(Scene starts inside the arena's backstage lounge, where the wrestlers are all talking amongst themselves. Suddenly, Eric Bischoff enters the room.)

Eric says, "Ok, Ok, quiet everybody. I called this meeting to discuss a very important issue. Mr. McMahon has appointed me to oversee the retrieval of a couple of very special items. He mentioned that he needs ten volunteers to drive down to Miami for the "retrieval" of these items, and by "retrieval", I mean purchase. Any takers?"

Albert replies, "Yeah, I'll go! (He quickly glances around the room and...)--and Spike, yeah you, you're coming with me!"

Spike, with a worried expression, says, "Hold on, what if I didn't—"

Albert cuts him off, "Shaddup, you're coming with me--and YOU'RE drivin'!"

Spike gulps, and hangs his head while Molly and Stacy giggle to each other.

Stacy whispers to Molly, "What'd you EVER see in him?"

Molly, still giggling a little while shrugging, says, "I honestly don't know."

Eric, looking around, asks, "Ok, anyone else?"

HHH replies, "Yeah, me and the boys, we'll go too."

Flair speaks up, "Hey, champ, can I bring my Hoverround? Y'know ol' naitch has to stay off his feet, WOOOOO!"

HHH furrows his brow and asks, "You mean that wheelchair-lookin' thing I see you crashing into stuff with that has the joystick thingie for a steering component? No way, we'll take the limo."

Cowboy Bob III replies, "--Oh, hey H, I meant to tell ya'--I took the limo to a shop to have it serviced this morning."

HHH asks, "What?!, What the hell's wrong with the limo?"

Cowboy Bob III answers, "Well, I had taken the limo to the mall so's I could get some Aquafina and pudding. When I got my things, I went to start up the limo and the 'check engine' light popped on.  
So, I had to get it towed. It was humiliating, when people finally figured out who I was, this one hot chick walked up and asked me to take a picture with her. I, of course, obliged. And, again, I went to start up the limo and...nothing. Champ, you shoulda' SEEN it--everybody was laughing and I forgot my cellphone. The chick's boyfriend was the only one with a cellphone and he started a game of 'keep-away from Randy' with his buddies."

HHH angrily says, "I don't give a damn about that crap!! Why did you even take--y'know what, nevermind. Eric, we'll make it come hell or high water because I AM the GAME."

Eric asks, "Ooooohkaaay, anyone else?"

RVD speaks up, "Yeah, Eric I'll go too."

Eric nods and says, "All right, Rob. Who else, now?"

Lita raises her hand and says, "I'll go too. Hey Matt, you mind if I go with Rob?"

Matt shrugs and says, "I don't care, why should you ask me, anyway? I have no stroke, no influence, despite how long I've worked here. Look Lita, the story has it that they have you having Kane's baby. Why not MINE, like I asked, huh? Take a look at this evening's card, Lita. (He stands up to show her) Look at the opening match, dammit, LOOK AT IT!!

Lita, trying hard not to burst out laughing, asks, "Okay, what's wrong?"

Matt rolls his eyes and asks, "I KNOW you didn't just ask me that! They have me losing to Fifi the poodle!, YES FUCKIN' FIFI!"

(At this point, the entire roster breaks out in hysterical laughter.)

Matt yells, "SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! That's the damn problem with this place, I don't get any goddamn respect!"

(Lita is literally in tears from laughing so hard, as is HHH.)

Eric, attempting to calm down and be as business-like as possible, mentions, "Well, Matt, I'm kinda' glad this came up, y'know?"

Matt turns around and asks, "Huh?"

(HHH and Flair smirk at Eric, as if they know what he's about to say.)

Eric continues, "Y'see Matt, there's a reason you're losing to Fifi tonight."

Matt, looking skeptically at Eric, replies, "Ooooohkaaaay, go on."

Eric, glancing at HHH and Flair, and HHH nods as if to say 'go ahead, replies, "Yeah, there's gonna be yet another avenue in this angle, where it's discovered that even Kane might not be the father of Lita's baby, but…Fifi might have fathered the child. I'll let HHH come out and announce that there'll be a triple-threat match for parental rights of the unborn child of Lita. It'll be the first ever "Baby Daddy ladder match", where the paternity test results are hoisted high above the ring, and the first person--well, participant, to yank the papers down will be the first ever WWE baby daddy."

Matt exclaims, "Oh I don't fuckin' BELIEVE this!"

Eric nods and says, "Ummmm, yeah Vince also added a stipulation that this "title" can be defended."

(Some snickering can be heard amongst the group)

Matt asks, "Wait, wait, you mean to tell me that I could lose these "parental rights" if I were to gain this "title" and someone were to defeat me in a match FOR these "rights"?, Is that what you're sayin' to me?"

Eric nods and says, "Yeah, for instance, if, say...Fit Finlay decided to just come out of retirement and wanted to earn another title, he can challenge for this one. If he won, he'd then be Lita's baby daddy."

Torrie raises her hand and asks, "Hey Eric, what if a woman wants to challenge?"

Eric points out, "Ah, yes. Vince prides himself on being open-minded, so if a woman were to win this title, then she'd be Lita's baby momma'. Oh, and one more thing, this title will replace the now-defunct hardcore title. And, of course, it'll be defended under the same rules as the hardcore title, 24-7 and anywhere in the country."

(Everyone starts laughing harder than before and as the laughter dies down, a toilet flushes in the background. Out of the bathroom comes the Big Show.)

Show, clueless as to what's going on, asks, "What'd I miss?"

(Everyone starts laughing AGAIN)

HHH says, "Y'know, it's funny and quite symbolic at the same time. (still laughing a little)--When I heard that flushing, I coulda' sworn that was Matt's career, HAHAHAAAAA!"

Matt, glaring at Lita as she's laughing with her hand covering her mouth, asks, "What are you laughing at, YOU'RE in the angle TOO!"

Lita says, "I know, I know, I should probably quit laughing, but the expression on your face was fuckin' PRICELESS, dude!"

(Yup, roster is still laughing as Matt just storms out of the room)

Eric, finally calming down, says, "Okay, seriously, guys--who else is gonna' step up?, We need two more people."

Tazz says, "Hey Eric, I'll go!"

Eric, a bit surprised, asks, "YOU?"

Tazz relies, "Yeah, me! Hey Show, wanna' come along?"

Show nods and says, "Sure, I gots' time. I'm "injured" remember?"

Tazz smirks and says, "Haha, yeah."

Eric nods and says,"Ok then, so that's everybody. I'll go tell Vince who's going--Oh, people, Vince said there's a reward for achieving this goal the fastest, ok?"

Batista asks, "What kind of reward? A spot in the main event?"

HHH, glaring at Batista, exclaims, "NO! (suddenly calming down) It's-It's a chance to be the GM for one RAW."

RVD raises his hand, "Hey Eric, like, I have a question."

Eric nods, "Go ahead, Rob."

RVD asks, "Yeah, just what IS it that Mr. McMahon wants us to purchase?"

Eric replies, "I'm sorry, I failed to mention that. Mr. McMahon wants to purchase the latest edition of "Huge Jugs" and a 40 of Budweiser."

RVD, with a confused expression asks, "Well, couldn't he just get that here?"

Eric says, "Well Rob, he gave an explanation. That being there's a certain convenience store that, as he puts it, "always has the latest issues and the beer always has a 'special taste'"."

RVD nods his head slowly, never taking his eyes off of Eric.

Eric raises his eyebrows and asks, "Any more questions? (looking around the room) Okay, if there are no more questions, you guys and gal' better get movin'."

Cowboy Bob III turns to Flair as they exit the room. He says, "I can't believe Vince wants us to purchase beer and porn for him. What, is he too 'high profile' to do it himself?"

Flair replies calmly, "Randy, Randy, look--Vince does this once every year on this exact day. I don't know why, but he does. When I was here back in '92, I had to go get his usual beer and porn, but my partner was Hellwig--er, Warrior."

Cowboy Bob III answers, "Wow, I bet THAT was interesting?"

Flair smirks and says, "Hah, wait'll I tell you about the time he got us kicked out of Red Lobster for him INSISTING that they play his entrance music when he enters the restaurant.--Randy, can you say emabarrassment? Geez, the guy was a nutcase."

(Randy just shrugs and they exit the room)

HHH mentions, "Oh yeah, Hebner, you're coming with us, got it?"

Hebner replies, "Ok champ, the uuh, same routine as the mall?"

"Yup."

* * *

Author's note: Well that's it for chapter 1 in this...saga. Please review, thanks. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anybody.

* * *

(We left off with HHH asking Hebner to come with him and his buddies. Now, we cut to the parking lot...)

HHH says, "Ok Hebner, this is a road trip. You know the rules, again, the same as the mall or wherever else."

Hebner replies, "No problem, champ."

HHH asks, "Hey Naitch, where's Batista?"

Flair answers, "Oh, he went to go snag us a couple cars and Randy went to get a crane for, well, you know."

HHH, grinning widely and rubbing his hands together, says, "Yessss, yessss."

* * *

(Meanwhile, in another area of the parking lot...)

RVD says, "Hey Lita, you wait here, I'm gonna' bring my cruiser up to you."

Lita nods, "Ok cool."

(A couple minutes later, RVD pulls up)

Lita rubs her eyes and takes a second look. She says, "Rob, do you know what your car looks—"

RVD interrupts, "--YEAH BABY!, hahaaaa. I had this done last week, hop in!"

Lita gets in looking around. She says, "Oh my god! This car is a giant BONG!"

RVD smiles and says, "Aw yeah, aw yeah! We're gonna be ridin' in styyyyyle!, because, as you know I AM Rob, Van, Dam!"

(Lita just shakes her head, laughing)

* * *

(We now cut to the third level of the lot, where Spike and Albert are)

Albert asks, "Hey Spike, where's the car?"

Spike answers, "Well, it should be here somewhere, this is the area where I parked it."

Albert shrugs, "Well, nevermind. We'll just take MY car."

Spike asks, "Your car?"

"Yeah, it's over here."

Spike sees the car and is disgusted, but for HIS safety, doesn't let Albert see any emotion. He says, "It's...nice, Albert."

Albert smiles and says, "Yeah, I got it last month. You get in, here's the key."

Spike, carefully touching the door handle--the entire car is covered in back hair—says, "You sure 'bout this?"

Albert replies, "Of course!, now get in."

(Spike gets in and starts up the admittedly very hairy car and then proceeds to back out)

* * *

(Simultaneously, in another part of the garage, Tazz and Show are looking for Tazz's ride)

Tazz, looking around, says, "I know it's gotta' be somewhere around hea'"

Show, eating a sammitch, answers, "Didn't you leave it in the front of the building this time?"

Tazz shakes his head and says, "Na', I decided to park it in here...somewhere--AH, here it is! "

Show, looking at the "car", and looking at Tazz with a doubtful expression, says, "Y'know, tazz, I really don't think I can fit."

Tazz, looking at the "car" and looking at Show, replies, "G'head, try sitting down."

Show shrugs and says, "Ok, here goes..."

(Show sits and the driver's side rises in the air)

Show says, "See, told you. Tazz, I tell you what, let's just take MY car."

Tazz, slightly offended, asks, "Show, you tellin' me that my shiny, new big-wheel isn't GOOD enough for you!? Is dat' what ya' sayin'?"

Show replies, "No, no, Tazz. I'm just saying that you "driving" this big-wheel and me sitting in this sidecar you had installed—"

Tazz, interrupting, "HEY, Joey Numbers put this sidecar in!, It's of the best quality!"

Show, trying to reason, says, "Look Tazz, let's just take MY car, it'd work better for us. C'mon, let's go."

(Show leads Tazz to his car)

Show smiles and says, "Well, get on in."

(Tazz sighs and gets in the car, and Show starts up the engine)

Show smiles and says, "Hey listen to that motor, she really purrs, eh. Hahahaaa!"

Tazz, looking around, says, "I never would have figured a sound like THAT coming from a car that looks like THIS!"

Show explains, "Well I just figured that a car should symbolize the owner's persona, y'know? So that's why I've decided to have my car made  
in the shape of a giant hand!"

(Tazz just sighs and puts his face in his hand, shaking his head)

* * *

(We cut back to HHH and Flair. Randy and Batista are just getting back)

HHH, yelling over the noise, says, "OKAY BATISTA, YOU GET OUT, AND RANDY, JUST HOOK THE FIRST CAR AND PLACE IT ON TOP OF THE OTHER CAR--GENTLY!"

Cowboy Bob III answers, "NO PROBLEM, CHAMP!"

(Randy lifts the first car and then places it directly on top of the other car and gets out of the crane)

Randy asks, "How's that, Champ?"

HHH says, "Perfect, let's get in."

(So Evolution and Hebner get in the top car and start it up--somehow, the bottom car starts moving and can also be steered from the top car--don't ask me how or why)

* * *

---Meanwhile, we cut to RVD and Lita----

Lita says, "Hey Rob, when we hit the first exit with a restaurant, could we get somethin' to eat, I'm hungry."

RVD nods and says, "Sure, no problem."

"Thanks."

RVD asks, "Hey Lita, that's a shame what happened t'Matt, huh?"

Lita, giggling a little, says,"...yeah. I DO kinda' feel bad for him, y'know? I mean, he's stuck in this hellish storyline all because he called Triple H a "former champ"."

RVD shakes his head and says, "I never even called him a "former champ", but it seems just 'cause I'm popular, I get shit on."

Lita replies, "I guess it doesn't hurt to be banging the boss's daughter, either."

RVD, snickering a little, says, "...yeah, bet he has t'do it while she eats. Hell Lita, you ever see her in action at a buffet?, it's truly a sight to behold. She also has old man Brisco running up to the buffet and back while wearing her ridiculous "buffet hat", as she calls it.  
You ever SEE that thing?"

Lita, laughing outright, says, "Yeah, it reads 'keep the plates a'comin!'"

(They both just start laughing aloud)

RVD nudges Lita and says, "Yeah, you ever been around when the locker room orders subs? There could be, like 10 people ordering and Steph gets wind of this and she orders, like, five subs--FIVE SUBS!! Lita, this woman eats subs like, fucking McNuggets!!"

Lita, almost falling over laughing, replies, "Yeah, I know!, I know! I can't even bring any food inside the arena when she's there. For instance, on my way to Backlash last month, I decided to stop at Burger King and get a little somethin', right? I sit down, take a couple bites out of my burger and not two minutes later, I guess the smell must've escaped, but here comes Stephanie. But that's not the strange part, the strange part was that she had her eyes closed as if she were in some kind of trance and she was literally FLOATING over to my table. Like, her feet were about two inches off the floor. She just hovered in back of me with her eyes shut and an open mouth. I tried taking another bite, but stopped. I finally turned around and asked 'May I HELP you!?'"

(RVD is cracking up at this point)

Lita continues, "Yeah, and she's still miraculously floating with her eyes closed and mouth open, so I just throw up my arms and leave. She just gently floats down to where my food is and, still with her eyes peacefully closed, just picks up the fry carton and "drinks" the fries out of it. That's right, Rob, she DRINKS THE FRIES!!! At this point, I'm astounded. She then picks up the burger and manages to just stuff the ENTIRE BURGER down her cholesterol-ridden throat."

RVD, wiping the tears out of his eyes and trying to catch his breath, "Ohh God, ohh God...Wait, wait, Lita, I just GOTTA tell you this, then."

Lita smiles and asks, "Alright, what?"

RVD says, "Well, this happened around Wrestlemania. Okay, we were all sitting in the arena cafeteria and having some lunch before practice, right? There were, like, eight of us at this one table. We were minding our own business and eating our food. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, Steph comes to the foot of our table and says "Boy you guys sure know how to chow down, huh?" I look at the guy sitting next to me with a slightly concerned expression. Big-mouth Triple H says "Do you want any of my steak?" well, not surprising ANY of us, she accepts. She said, "Why SURE Hunter, baby!" She starts to walk toward him and starts looking around the table at everyones' meals. She turns back and stands at the foot of the table and proceeds to lift the ENTIRE TABLE up so that everyone's food slides into her mouth."

(Lita is staring wide-eyed at RVD with an astonished look)

RVD explains, "Dude, I have NEVER seen anyone EAT like that, hell, not even Dusty Rhodes back in ECW."

(They both just start laughing aloud)

* * *

(Now we cut to Tazz and Big Show)

Tazz mentions, "This is...an interestin' car ya' got here."

"Hey thanks."

Tazz says, "Yeah. Hey Show, slow down, slow down."

"What's up?"

"Look at that guy with that sign. What does it say...Hey Show getta' load a-this, 'Will crotch-chop for a dollar' HAHA!!"

Show asks, "Hey Tazz, you don't recognize that guy?"

Tazz, squinting as they drive by, replies, "Hey yeah, I do know that guy!, That's X-Pac!"

Show shakes his head, "Oh how the mighty have fallen."

Tazz points out, "Hey, he's flagging us down. Wanna' see what he wants?"

Show nods and smirks, "Alright, 10 bucks says he'll want a hookup for a job and if he gets hired, he'll promise us a main event spot."

Tazz smiles and says, "Okay, I'll take that bet."

Show shakes his head, "You gotta' understand, Tazz, I've been dealing with this little greasebag for YEARS. I know him like the back of my hand. Just watch, you'll see."

"Oh really?"

Show, pulls over, "Yup, just watch."

(Show and Tazz get out of the car and approach X-pac.)

X-pac excitedly says, "HEY guys, I'm soooo glad to see you. It's been a long time, huh?"

Show looks at his fingernails and replies, "Yup."

X-pac, knowing that Show knows what he's up to, says, "Hey Tazz, my man! How's it goin'?"

Tazz replies, "Cool brotha', how 'bout you?"

X-pac says, "I'm coming along, I'm coming along."

(There's an awkward silence as Tazz glances at Show)

X-pac suggest, "Y'know, me and Chyna are s'posed to be getting back together!"

Tazz, feigning interest, says, "Oh yeah, that's--that's nice."

Show, growing impatient, asks, "Alright Pac, enough of the bullshit! Just what the hell do you want?, we're in kind of a hurry!"

X-pac, thinking a moment, replies, "OHHH, it must be time for the annual beer and porn run, huh?"

Show answers, "Yeah, so just what is it you want?"

X-pac raises his hands and says, "Alright, alright, alright...I'd like to know if you could, you know, talk to Vince for me."

Tazz asks, "Talk to Vince for you? Well, why?"

X-pac explains, "Well, I kinda' fell on some hard times, y'know. I have to come out here and beg for money in these tired-assed nWo trunks.  
YES, I know, these ARE the same ones I had during my last run in WWE. You guys don't know what it's like. I mean, I'm in the cold and all I've got are these trunks under a well-used overcoat I found. I mean, PLEASE guys, please, I-I'll give you a main event spot, I PROMISE! Just please, PLEASE talk to Vince!"

Show says, "Okay, I will."

X-pac, whose eyes are as big as eggs now, asks, "REALLY, you WILL?"

Show smiles and says, "Nope, hahahaha--I just wanted to choke-slam your hope! HAHAHAHAHA! Damn, I'm so evil."

X-pac angrily declares, "Okay then, FINE! You can go to hell, too Tazz!"

(Show and Tazz are laughing as they walk back towards Show's er, car.)

Show says, "Yo X, I'll tell Hunter I saw ya', I'm sure he'll get a good laugh at that!! HAHAHAAAA!"

(X-pac just curls his top lip and flips off Show and Tazz)

(Show and Tazz get back in the car and drive off)

Tazz shrugs and says, "Well Show, I guess I owe ya' 10 bucks."

Show happily says, "Yup, run me my money. Hahaaaaa!"

Tazz, digging in his pocket, mumbling, "...Damn..."

* * *

(Meanwhile, on the interstate, we find Spike and Albert)

Albert explains, "Alright, there's supposed to be an IHOP up at this next exit."

(Spike takes the exit and drives the car to the restaurant.)

Albert says, "Okay, you go find a table. I'll be in shortly."

(Spike goes inside the restaurant while Albert counts his money. Afterwards, he enters the restaurant amidst some stares from the people—mostly because he's in full wrestling gear.)

Albert angrily asks, "What are you people lookin' at?"

A waitress nervously answers, "Hello sir, you-you must have a shirt on to be served here."

Albert angrily asks, "WHAT?"

The waitress, who's obviously scared, replies, "Y-yes sir, you must have a shirt on or we can't serve you."

(Albert reaches out and grabs the waitress by the neck with both hands and...BOOM!!!, a baldo-bomb right through the table. The whole restaurant is chanting "HO-LY SHIT, HO-LY SHIT, HO-LY SHIT...suddenly, the manager runs out to see what all the chaos is about...)

Manager: HEY, WHAT IS ALL THIS NOISE OUT HERE!? WHO DID---(He sees his waitress sprawled over the remains of a table)

Manager: (Authoritatively walking up to Albert) Who do you think you are!? This is MY restaurant, and you can't just put people through tables, GOT IT!!?

(Albert just shrugs and--BLAM!!!, a Baldo-bomb to the manager! The manager is doing an excellent job of selling the baldo-bomb as the crowd is once again doing the HOLY SHIT chant. Albert looks at his two victims and smiles at Spike...)

Albert smiles and says, "Now if only I could get someone at the federation besides YOU to sell THIS good, I kinda' had my eye on that li'l green guy we have on the roster. You know, the one always trying to peep in the women's locker room?"

Spike asks, "You mean Hurricane?"

Albert nods, "Yeah, that's him!"

(Spike just folds his arms and rolls his eyes)

Albert suggests, "Alright, let's go. We'll go to a KFC or something."

(They leave, hop in Albert's hairy car, and zoom off...)

* * *

(We now join Evolution and Hebner aboard their car(s))

Batista says, "Hey champ, we've been riding for, like, four hours now. There's a rest area up ahead at the next exit."

HHH nods, "Alright, we'll stop then. Hebner, you know what to do, right?"

Hebner gives a thumbs-up, "You got it champ."

(So they pull into the crowded and slightly smelly rest area, just off of the highway)

Flair says, "Ok champ, I'm gonna' be in the gift shop."

Cowboy Bob III says, "Yeah, and I'll be in the bathroom."

Batista mentions, "Champ, I'm here to help you and Hebner."

HHH smiles and says, "Alriiiight, good. A team player, I like that."

(Suddenly, some screams can be heard a little ways down the walk as some girls just recognized Trips and the gang)

Fangirl 1 yells, "Oh my GOD, I can't believe it's really YOU!!! Please, could you sign my chest?"

Fangirl 2 buts in front of the first girl and says, "No, sign MINE!"

Batista whispers to Trips, "I'd sign the second girl's chest. You see the chesticles she has?"

HHH smirks and says, "Ladies, ladies, I'll pose for pictures and all that...but, first (he slowly looks at Hebner) could you ladies line up and do ME a little favor? Hmmmmm? (smiling widely)"

Fangirl 3 yells, "ANYTHING!"

(At this time Batista pulls a ring bell from out of his trunks.)

HHH says, "Okaaaaay, YOU!, Yeah you. I need you to lay down in this grass over here, ok?"

Fangirl 4 asks, "Ok. what are you gonna' do?"

HHH replies, "Oh, don't worry, this won't hurt a bit. Let me just--ahh, that's better (HHH just got down on top of this little girl and...)  
Ok Hebner, now!"

Hebner pounds the grass and yells, "1-2-3!"

(Batista then rings the bell)

HHH points to another girl and says, "Ok, you next, yeah kid--get over here!"

(HHH gets down on top of this poor girl as well as Hebner counts to three and Batista rings the bell--mainly because it's his turn to ring the bell, Randy had it last time when they went to Olive Garden)

---So this shameless farce goes on until ALL people at the rest stop were pinned by HHH--even an 80 year-old lady (some even had their pictures taken with HHH smiling at the camera as he had their legs hooked.).---

(Now you see why HHH insists on driving around with one car on top of another)

Flair asks, "Okay, all done, champ?"

HHH, looking around, says, "Yeah, that should be everybody. Heh, eh Naitch--I'm leaving this rest stop with a perfect win-loss record of 196 and zero."

Batista applauds and says, "Alright CHAMP!, WOOOHOOO!"

Cowboy Bob III exclaims, "Yeah, that'll show everyone who's the best!"

HHH smirks and says, "Damn straight! Okay, lets get outta' here."

Batista suggests, "I'll drive this time."

(Evolution gets in their vehicle(s), and peel off)

* * *

---What's going to happen in the next chapter? Who's going to make it to Miami first? Is Albert just going to continue to Baldo-bomb people "straight to hell", as J.R. puts it? Did Stephanie find a purpose for her dietician yet? Is HHH just going to keep pinning people wherever he goes? Is X-pac going to find a new box to live in, or is he going to stack one on top of his existing one and call it a duplex? These and other weird questions will be answered next time, so tune in--same Warrior time, Same Warrior place, same Warrior station!

--Please review, thanks.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anybody or anything

(When we left, Evolution had just pulled off from a rest stop where HHH put himself over everyone there. Now, we rejoin our superstars as they now hit Virginia)

Show asks, "Hey Tazz, we've been driving for a few hours now. Wanna' go get somethin' to eat?"

Tazz replies, "Yeah, I'm feelin' that."

(Show passes by a blue sign indicating there's a Hardee's up at the next exit.)

Show says, "Hey Tazz, there's a Hardee's up at this next exit. Whaddya' think?"

Tazz says, "Eh, I don't really CARE for Hardee's, but damn, I'm hungry. Let's go."

(Show takes the exit and pulls in the parking lot)

Tazz shakes his head, "No, no I don't feel like goin' in. Let's hit the drive-thru."

(Drive-thru is about five cars deep at this time as Show pulls in.)

Show observes, "Wow, lotta' cars here, huh?"

Tazz says, "Hehe, yeah. But at least it's not at a standstill."

"Yeah."

(About a minute passes and Show pulls up to the speaker to order. Then a low-toned, very depressed-sounding voice comes on the speaker...)

_Speaker: Hello, welcome to Hardee's, my name's Shawn, would you like to try a value meal?_

Show replies, "Uh..no. I want 7 double cheeseburgers, four orders of fries, six apple pies, and a Diet Coke."

Show, whispering to Tazz, asks, "...What do you want?"

Tazz says, "Damn brotha', you're gonna' shut these people down."

Show rolls his eyes and asks, "Just tell me what you want."

Tazz says, "Ok, ok. I..uuuh, want a hamburger and fries...regula' size."

(Show leans over to the speaker...)

Show says, "Uhh, yeah..I'd also like a hamburger and regular fries, and that'll be all."

_Speaker: (drearily) Ok, that'll be 15 dollars, pull around._

Show notices, "Tazz, I think I recognized that voice--something about the tone just…sounds familiar, like something in the back of my mind."

Tazz agrees, "Yeah, you're right. That voice DID sound familia', and I know a FEW 'Shawns' that I haven't seen or heard from in a while."

Show says, "Looks like we're gonna just hafta' go and see, huh?"

"Yep."

(So Tazz and Show pull up to the pickup window anxiously looking inside to see who comes to the window when this guy appears...)

Show, eyes as big as saucers right now, with his mouth agape as he points to the window, exclaims, "...YOU!"

Tazz, also pointing and smiling, says, "HEY!"

Show asks "So THIS is where you went? Hahahaaa!"

Shawn rolls his eyes and says, "Aw c'mon guys, stop laughin' will ya'? I HAD to take this job. I wanted to go to Jarrett's promotion, but they just laughed me out of the office and called me a "slapnut"."

Tazz says, "Well I'll be damned. Shawn 'Planethead' Stasiak!"

(Show and Tazz start laughing as Planethead just stands there, rolling his eyes...)

Shawn says, "Stop laughing, you know that wasn't my nickname, it was PLANET Stasiak!"

Tazz reiterates, "Yeah, like I said, 'Planethead'."

Show snatches the bag and throws the money at Shawn. He says, "Keep the change, PLANETHEAD! HAHAHAHA!"

(Show and Tazz then just drive off as Shawn just slams his headset down)

* * *

(Next, ehhh, let's see what RVD and Lita are up to, shall we?...)

RVD, passing by a mileage sign for the next town, says, "DAMN, Roanoke is like, 255 miles still."

Lita nods, "Yeah, I saw.--Hey look, food at the next exit."

RVD agrees, "Yeah, I'm down with that."

(So RVD and Lita pull up to the restaurant and go inside...)

Lita, looking around, asks, "Hello, is anyone here?"

(A waitress saunters from the kitchen smoking a cigarette...)

The waitress, in a voice that resembles that of Louis Armstrong, asks, "Whaddya' want?"

(Lita and RVD just glance at each other)

Lita puts her hands in her pockets and asks, "Uhh, yeah. I'd like a chicken salad with italian dressing."

The waitress turns to RVD and asks, "And how 'bout you, cutie?"

RVD, blushing slightly as Lita snickers a little, replies, "..Uh, ummm, I'd like a fish sandwich and some ice cream--chocolate."

"F'here or t'go?"

RVD says, "Oh, that'll be to go, please."

"Alright, wait here, I'll bring ya' orders out." She yells to the back area, "HEY CHARLIE...FISH, SALAD WITH CHICK'N, AND CHOC'LIT ICE CREAM!"

(RVD and Lita then just sit at a nearby table beside a window)

Lita looks out the window at the shops across the way, and sees a Dunkin' Donut shop. She asks, "Hey Rob, I didn't know they had Dunkin' Donuts all the way out here, did you?"

RVD shakes his head, "Nope--Hey, what's that police car doing HERE? (pointing at the car)"

Lita says, "Yeah, I was just about to ask you the same thing, especially since it's a Georgia squad car, haha, we're in Virginia."

(They didn't have to wait long, as a heavy-set man with a crewcut wearing black riot gear waddles out of, where else, the doughnut shop!)

RVD points to the man and asks, "Lita, you know who that is?"

Lita, squinting a little, trying to make out the face, "YEAH, that's Big Boss Man!"

RVD says, "He's from Georgia, why is he so far out of his jurisdiction?"

Lita shrugs, "I dunno, but we have the chance to ask him now. Here he comes."

Bossman smiles and says, "Hey Lita, Rob!, what brings you to this ol' backwater town?"

RVD begins, "Vince sent us on this wacky trip to—"

Bossman interrupts, "--Wait, wait, don't tell me--the beer and porn run?"

Lita nods, "Yup."

Bossman laughs a little and says, "I KNEW it! Haha, I guess this means ol' Linda ain't gettin' no prettier?"

RVD shrugs, "...guess not. Well anyway, what brings YOU here?, arent you supposed to be in Cobb County, Georgia?"

Bossman explains, "Well, I'm kinda' on a mission of my own. See that squad car? I paid for that and just decided not to take the decals off or the roof lights, so the car is mine. I was thinking about putting some spinners on it, though."

RVD says, "Well that explains the car. What about this mission you're on?"

Bossman says, "Oh yeah, the mission. Well, I'm on a nationwide tour."

Lita asks, "A tour?, you're meeting a band somewhere?"

Bossman shakes his head, "No, no not THAT kind of tour. See, the tour I'm on is a nationwide Dunkin' Donut tour. What I do is, I goes ta' all this countries' Dunkin' Donut facilities and then decide on which one is the best. whichever one's the winnin' one gets me as a regular customer."

(Rob and Lita glance at each other)

RVD says, "Uhh...ok."

Bossman explains, "Y'see, the way this works is, if, say, a Dunkin' Donuts in Kansas City wins, I'll drive from Cobb County to Kansas City for my mornin' coffee."

The waitress chimes in, "Hey, yaw's orders is ready. Com'n git 'em.".

Lita smiles and says, "Well Big Bossman, G'luck in your...(glances at Rob)...travels."

RVD adds, "Uh..yeah dude, good luck."

Bossman says, "Hey thanks, nice seein' ya!"

(Bossman goes up to the counter to order as Rob and Lita leave the restaurant and peel off)

* * *

(Hmm...let's see, AH!, I wonder how Albert and Spike are doing?)

Albert says, "Hey Spike, I was just thinkin', what I'd do if I were to become GM for one RAW."

Spike smiles and says, "I was thinkin' the same thing."

Albert asks, "What, if I was GM?"

Spike replies, "No, if I, as in ME, was GM."

Albert glsnces at Spike and says, "You could never be GM, y'know?"

"Oh yeah?, why's that?"

Albert asks, "Well, lemme' ask you THIS--Has J.R. EVER, at ANY point in your...illustrious career, called you a 'hoss'?"

Spike says, "Well, no--but what does THAT have to do with anything?"

Albert continues, "Eh,eh, now just answer the questions. Now, has Bradshaw ever asked you out or just stared at you as you walked out of the shower?"

Spike, blushing a little with embarrassment, mumbles, "...Yes."

Albert, with a hand to his ear, a-la Hulk Hogan, asks, "What, whats that?, I didn't hear you."

Spike, a little more audibly, says, "I said, 'Yes'. Y'see, his reasoning is that since I'm so quiet and unassuming, he can just have his way with me. Let me give you an example of this. Last week, on pay day, I was in the lockerroom changing my boots and in walks Bradshaw with a strange look. He starts leering at me with a facial expression similar to Bubba-Ray when he puts a diva through a table. I ask Bradshaw what the problem is and he hands me this tattered brown overcoat and these funky 1950's-style glasses and tells me that from here on in, he's Rocky and I'm Adrian--I can only assume that Faarooq is 'Apollo.'"

Albert, snickering a little, says, "Yeah, he told me already. I just wanted to hear you say it s'all. Yeah, he told me all about how his favorite diva was Shannon Moore, and how he was heartbroken when Shannon had to leave. He also told me that he bought Molly's blonde wig from her and gave the wig as a sort of gift to Scotty 2 Hotty to wear whenever he's around. He told Scotty that if he ever caught him without that wig, he'd perform an involuntary prostate examination on him."

(Spike cringes)

Albert explains, "Yeah, you see, that's why you'll never be a GM--not even on Velocity. Because your weight isn't over the magic number."

Spike asks, "And what, praytell, is THAT?"

Albert says, "For JR to even consider you a hoss, you gotta be at LEAST six four, say about 260 pounds."

Spike proudly says, "Ha, well I'm gonna' change THAT!"

Albert just rolls his eyes in a circular motion while whistling the tune of "dueling banjos".

* * *

(Well, let's now join Evolution in their travel...)

HHH suggests, "Eh guys?, I think it's about time we got something to eat."

Flair nods, "Yeah, the ol' stomach is a-growlin' "

Batista says, "Well, we just passed a sign that had a Howard Johnson's restaurant symbol on it."

Flair asks, "Do they take AARP?"

Cowboy Bob III says, "Yeah, they do. My dad sometimes takes me to our local HoJo's for breakfast."

HHH frowns and says, "Y'know Orton, you REALLY have to at least CONSIDER moving out of your parents' basement, I mean, c'mon. Every time I call you, your mom is blabbing to one of her friends and tells me to call back later. Dude, you're with Evolution--we don't live like that! You wanna' live with your folks, you need to start hangin' with Heyman."

(Batista and Flair start laughing)

Cowboy Bob III rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah yeah, I KNOW, I KNOW...I'll move out. Damn, you sound just like my pops."

HHH continues, "I mean, even if you don't move out, at LEAST get your own phone, geez."

Batista points out, "Hey champ, HoJo's is the next exit up."

(So Batista pulls up to the restaurant, they all get out and go inside)

Cowboy Bob III, looks around and spots, of all things, a TICKETMASTER booth. He asks, "Hey Batista, what's a Ticketmaster booth doing in a Howard Johnson's?"

Batista shrugs, "Beats the hell outta' me."

Flair squints and says, "Hey wait a second, I know that Ticketmaster guy!"

(The Ticketmaster clerk is asleep on the job as Flair walks over)

Flair says aloud, "Hey you!"

The clerk, with a bloody, powder-y nose and a horrified look on his face, exclaims, "Y-you! (sniff)"

Flair responds, "Yeah, me. Hahaha. I walked in here and saw you sleeping on the job, Beefcoke."

The clerk angrily corrects him, saying, "It's Beef-CAKE, you old moron!"

(So now you know who it is—Ed "Brutus Beefcake" Leslie)

Flair snidely says, "Y'know you don't look so good anymore, Beefcoke, what's wrong?--Better yet, where's your buddy Hogan, huh? I see you're helpless at finding even an indy-league booking without Hogan's coattails to ride on, huh?"

Beefcake declares, "Alright, just shut up! You ain't exactly hot stuff yourself, manboobies!"

Flair, with the smirk immediately leaving his face, asks, "WHAT!?, What'd you call me?"

Beefer smartly replies, "Manboobies...did I stutter? As a matter of fact, you senile old fool, I'll bet the only way you can remember your age is by your bra size, 'cause they're both the same! Nyahahaa!"

Flair is completely silenced and now can't think of a comeback.

Beefer continues, " Yeah, and, I saw your son David's sell out performance in that one church basement, too. What a champion, you must be proud. Think about it, you can finally let him move out of your basement and back up into his room, I guess so's he can have at least SOME semblance of "upward mobility" in his life, eh? As a matter of fact, I'll venture to guess that his room still has the "It's a Boy" wallpaper, right? H-hahahaaa!"

Flair, infuriated and slightly embarrassed, says, "How DARE you talk to me like that!? My son is just starting out, he's gonna' be a great champ someday!"

Beefer smirks and says, "Ch--Yeah, just like that loser Orton that you're pissin' away your legacy on, huh?"

Flair's face is beet-red with anger as he says, "You look here, you never-was, I can't call you a has-been, because you're a never-was!! My son David may not have started out in the clear, but he'll be a champion, which is more than I can say for you, Beefcoke!"

(HHH notices the trouble over at the Ticketmaster booth and motions for the rest of Evolution to follow him)

HHH walks slowly and smirks, as he immediately recognizes Beefcake. He says, "Well, well, well. Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake. Didn't EVER think I'd come across you again--oh, you need to wipe your nose, your--ahem--powder from your "doughnut" earlier is still on your top lip."

(Evolution just starts laughing)

Beefer speaks up, "Shut up, all of you! I'll be back, you'll see!" (He then attempts to do his old "Booty-Man" dance and almost breaks his neck in the process)

(Evolution just laughs again as Brother Bruti tries to regain his balance.)

Cowboy Bob III points out, "I KNEW I seen you on TV before, you used to be the Booty Man in WCW, didn't you?"

Beefer says, "Yep, that's right, kid. You should be (snorttt) honored to be in the presence of a living legend."

Cowboy Bob III snidely asks, "A living legend that works at fucking TICKETMASTER?"

(HHH and Flair just start laughing)

Batista says, "Man, I don't know HOW to address you. Should I call you Beefcoke, Booty Man, or Booty HEAD!? (as Evolution's laughing...) Man, I-I just can't decide!"

Beefer, starting to really lose his cool, thereby turning a bit red, yells, "FUCK ALL OF YOU, IN FACT, I CAN'T WAIT TO COME BACK. I'M GONNA TELL HOGAN HOW YOU ALL TREATED ME AND YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELVES OPENING MORE CARDS THAN FUCKIN' HALLMARK! NOW GET OUTTA' MY FACE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

(Evolution is just cracking up laughing...Flair's literally lying down on the floor in the fetal position laughing so hard he can barely catch his breath, and Batista laughed so hard he farted really loud and the restaurant just got quiet...)

The host waitress approaches the melee and says, "All of you gentleman, could you please just take this outside. (waving her hand in front of her face, trying to waft the smell away from her) The guests are complaining about the noise."

Beefer explains, "Ma'am, I was just doing my job when these...ruffians came in here and started messing with me!"

The waitress rolls her eyes and says, "Yeah right...Beefcoke."

Beefer angrily says, "My name is NOT BeefCOKE, it's BeefCAKE, BeefCAKE, BeefCAKE!!, friggin lardass!"

(Evolution is escorted out of the restaurant by security as Hebner just watches the entire event from a nearby table while he's eating his pancakes)

HHH, still a bit giggly, says, "You believe that guy? Hahaha--a what, a comeback!? You've gotta' be shittin' me?"

Flair smiles and says, "Ol' Beefcoke works for Ticketmaster now, huh? Y'know game, it's kinda' ironic that that guy's selling tickets now."

HHH, trying to calm down, but still grinning, asks, "Oh, why's that?"

Flair responds, "Because when HE was headlining, he couldn't sell a single ticket!"

(Evolution just start laughing as they look back through the front window and see Beefer with his middle finger up)

HHH laughs, "Hahaaaa!, Eh you're right Naitch, the poor guy's retired and NOW he manages to sell tickets!"

(Meanwhile, Hebner walks out of the restaurant amidst all of the laughter and just climbs into the car(s).)

Batista, finally calming down, says, "Ok, ok guys, looks as if we have to find another place to eat."

Flair says, "Yeah, let's do Olive Garden again. Whaddya' say guys?"

Evolution agrees, "Yeah, fine by us."

HHH says, "Ok then, let's go."

(So Evolution piles in the car(s) and takes off to the nearest Olive Garden)

* * *

Who will get Vince his beer and porn? What Dunkin' Donuts franchise will win Bossman's loyal patronage? Will Scotty 2 Hotty stop doing the worm while wearing the blond wig Bradshaw gave him? Will Planethead Stasiak EVER get another wrestling gig? (Let's hope not--If there were ever even TWO things he was ANY good for, it was stinking up arenas with substandard wrestling and causing people to go on bathroom breaks during his matches) Will Beefcake EVER stop "eating" powdered doughnuts? (yeah, riiiight--eating, indeed.) Will Flair's chesticles continue to flip and flop around like two fish out of water when he runs? (NOW try sleeping tonight, hehehe)---These and any other weird questions will be answered when you tune in again...Same Warrior time, Same Warrior place, Same warrior channel.

Please review, thanks.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(Ok, when we left, Evolution had just left HoJo's and decided to head to Olive Garden to get something to eat. Right now, we'll rejoin them after they've just left Olive Garden--yes, where HHH put himself over the ENTIRE restaurant...)

Cowboy Bob III asks, "Hey Naitch, now what was it you were gonna' tell me about your last beer and porn run with Warrior? You said that he caused you to get kicked out of Red Lobster?"

Flair thinks and says, "Oh yeah, that. Well, I had suggested to him that maybe we should get something to eat. I told him that I feel like having some seafood. He agreed and a couple minutes later, we found a Red Lobster restaurant. So we go in, and he immediately asks to speak to a manager. I'm standing by, wondering what's going on. A manager comes out to the lobby where Warrior pulls a tape cassette out of his tights and asks the manager to play it over the intercom while he goes back outside and comes back in running to his table. You believe that? (laughing a little) He wanted these people to play his entrance theme over the intercom and have the front desk announce his name and weight over the intercom as he comes running into the restaurant!"

(Randy is cracking up at this point...)

Flair adds, "Randy, my man--Whoo! Warrior's the kind of partner you pray you don't get--see, back then, we were paired up, you know--assigned."

Cowboy Bob III shakes his head, "Damn, I-I wouldn't have BELIEVED anyone would ACTUALLY have had the balls to try that!"

Flair nods, "Yeah, the manager refused and they exchanged opinions as more and more staff filed out to the lobby to try and reason with this guy. They exchanged opinions for about a good 15 minutes before the conversation degenerated into hurling insults back and forth. As time went on, the insults got louder and the restaurant got quieter. Then this one manager came from the back--I guess she finally heard enough, and threatened to call the cops if me and Warrior didn't leave that instant. I had to hold Warrior back because he was starting to get a bit jumpy with this one crew member. Well, this went on about 5 more minutes, until I was FINALLY able to get Warrior to just turn around and get in the car. He got in and someone threw his tape cassette at our car as we were leaving. He wanted me to stop the car, but I just kept going. I tell ya' Randy, don't get mixed up with lunatics like that!"

Cowboy Bob III says, "Hehe, don't worry--I won't. Geez..."

* * *

(Ok let's head back to the WWE headquarters, in Mr. McMahon's office...)

Vince, looking at last month's centerfold spread of "Huge Jugs" with a bottle of lotion on his desk, gently says, "My, my, my...aren't you just the prettiest? (kissing the picture) I wonder what advice they have in the columns..."

(Suddenly, the door burst open...)

Brisco says, "Mr. MacMahon, here's your mornin' coff—"

Vince, quickly folding his magazine and hiding it under his desk, angrily interrupts, "--DAMMIT BRISCO, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DISTURB ME DURING THESE HOURS!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

Brisco gulps hard and says, "...uh...well, I just wanted to bring you your morning coffee, Mister MacMahon."

Vince, who's face is beet-red, angrily retorts, "Aaargh, just bring it back later! Now get OUT!"

(Brisco nods his head and hurries out of the office)

Vince mumbles, "...Damn Brisco--I gotta' hire some competent staff."

(Suddenly, the secretary buzzes Vince...)

Vince starts out, "DAMMIT, WHAT--er, yes Ms. Henley?"

The secretary replies, "Mr. Bischoff is here to see you."

Vince sighs, putting his magazine and lotion away. He says, "Alright, send him in. (mumbles)...If it's not ONE thing, it's ANOTHER..."

(There's a knock on the door...)

Vince pretending to look busy, says, "Come in."

Eric anxiously says, " Mr. McMahon, I have a progress report for you."

Vince nods, "Ok, let's have it."

Eric says, "Ok, so far, Rob and Lita are ahead of everyone else and as of about a half-hour ago, they were just entering North Carolina."

Vince says, "Ok then, thank you Eric. I'll be in touch soon, you can leave now."

(Bischoff gets up and exits the office. Vince waits 'till the door closes and pulls out his magazine again. Suddenly, another knock came from the door...)

Vince rolls his eyes, saying, "Oh, for the love of--WHO IS IT?"

The voice says, "It's me, Patterson!"

(Vince puts the magazine under the desk again)

Vince asks, "What do you want!? I'm busy, dammit!"

Patterson enters in and says, "Hey Mr. McMahon, I just wanted to tell you that Pizza Hut called and said they can't give you a guarantee that they'll have your pizza done in 10 minutes—"

Vince angrily replies, "What?, Whaddya' mean they can't fix it in 10 minutes!? I'm the customer, I'm Vince McMahon, DAMMIT!!! It's supposed to be MY way, MY WAY!!! NOW YOU GET ON THAT DAMN PHONE AND YOU TELL THOSE SONS OF BITCHES TO FIX MY PIZZA FIRST, I DON'T CARE WHO'S AHEAD OF ME--JUST FIX IT!" (Vince hurls a pencil at Patterson, who quickly ducks and exits the office.)

Vince buzzes his secretary and says, "Hey Henley! Don't page me for ANYTHING else for the next half-hour, GOT IT!? If I hear so much as a PEEP out there, YOOOOUUUU'RRRRE FIIIIIIRED!"

The secretary replies, "Ye-yes, Mr. McMahon, I won't make a sound, sir!"

"GOOD!"

Vince pulls his porno mag back out and says to himself, "Ahhhhh, NOW maybe I can relax."

* * *

(Ok, enough of that, let's see what Lita and RVD are up to...)

Lita asks, "Hey Rob, you want me to drive a little?"

"Naaah, I'm alright. Hey Lita, how far out ahead do you think we are?"

Lita shrugs, "I dunno, we left about fifteen minutes before anyone else. Why?"

RVD says, "Just curious, s'all. Hey Lita, you know who I haven't seen in a while? Test."

"Test? Hmm, you're right. Where HAS he been?"

RVD glances at Lita and replies, "You know him and Stacy aren't together anymore?"

Lita says, "Yeah...wait, have you been thinking about askin' her out or something?"

"Naaah, she's not my type, y'know? I kinda' have a thing for Jazz."

Lita, surprised at the answer, asks, "WHAT!? Jazz? Jazz that works for WWE?, Pitbull-looking Jazz?, The same Jazz that can seemingly choose either bathroom to use and STILL be correct about the choice? --THAT Jazz?"

RVD is silent for a moment, then he just bursts out laughing. He says, "HAHAAAAA, Jazz--yeah right!"

Lita somewhat relieved, says, "Oh, I was about to say-"

RVD continues, "Haha, you know who I REALLY feel for, though? Rodney Mack--remember him?"

"Hey YEAH, what happened to him?"

"Damned if I know, but I feel for him--having to wake up to, ugh, JAZZ every morning. EVERY MORNING! You believe that?"

Lita shrugs, "Hey, just proof that beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder."

(They both just start laughing)

Lita adds, "Like, I couldn't imagine ANYONE finding Nidia attractive, but apparently SOMEbody does. She's been hangin' out with Tajiri for some odd reason."

RVD replies, "TAJIRI!? I thought he liked fat chicks?"

Lita asks, "Well, isn't Nidia kind of plump?"

RVD shakes his head, "Nah, at least not by Tajiri's normal standards, anyway. I've seen Tajiri pull chicks that are so large, that if they jumped in the air and landed on the ground, they'd get stuck in the ground--as a matter of fact, he even mentioned that he'd love to, as he puts it, 'Stick-a my brack-a dlagon inside a-rove a-cave of a-Lohsanne Ahnord (Roseanne Arnold)'"

(Lita just cringes...)

* * *

(So as Rob and Lita drive on, we'll pay a visit with Tazz and Show...)

Show rubs his stomach and says, "Man, that lunch sure was good."

Tazz replies, "It was ok. Hey Show, check out that there building."

Show, trying to look while driving, asks, "Where?"

"Right there."

Show says, "Oh yeah, that's an Austin clinic."

"An Austin Clinic? What the hell's an Austin clinic?"

Show explains, "Well, It's a clinic that Stone Cold founded. The ironic thing is that It's actually a shelter for battered and abused women. Yeah, Steve had these built in just about every major city in America."

Tazz asks, "Well, why'd he put them in? Did he tell you?"

Show goes on, "Well, he'd beat the crap outta' Debra and then send her to one of his clinics, where they'd, as he put it, "patch 'er up and send 'er back so's he can beat her a little more!"

Tazz curls his upper lip in disgust and says, "Geez, that's sick!"

Show nods, "Cha'--yeah, ya' damn right it was sick. Hey, y'know Vince tried to send Linda to one a' these Austin clinics-but it didn't work, though."

"What do you mean?"

Show continues, "Yeah you see, when Vince had his chauffer drop Linda off at one, they wouldn't take her because they discovered that she wasn't actually beaten, but that's how she actually LOOKED."

"Hehe, no shit?"

Show says, "Yeah, man. I'm guessin' this is why year after year, he sends his employees on this porn hunt. Now as far as why it's this particular DAY every year is beyond me. But, if you think THAT story was strange, wait'll I tell you about the TRAINING course!"

"Training course?"

Show nods, "Yep-pers, training course. Yeah y'see this one nurse at my doctor's office used to work at an Austin clinic and she told me the rather bizarre training course that was mandatory if you wanted to work there."

"Ok go on..."

Show continues, "Well, she said that on your first day of work, they take you to this one pink room with pink padded walls and no windows--as a matter of fact, she said that there aren't ANY windows in ANY of these clinics!, but I digress. Well, anyway, she also said that there would just be one chair in front of a tv set with a vcr on top of it. They would issue you a "training tape" before you entered the room."

(Tazz is just staring blankly, nodding...)

Show says, "Now, you were to go into this room and, of course, put the tape in and watch it and that would complete your training, right?"

Tazz nods, "Ok..."

Show adds, "Right. She also told me that they lock the door behind you when you go in--but anyway, after you pop the tape in, It's just Stone Cold standing real close to the camera just barking "WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT" for about 20 minutes straight, then stops to take a sip of beer. Then he just stands there looking into the camera for about 15 to 20 seconds, then starts yelling "What" again, over and over--you get the gist of it, then..."

Tazz frowns and says, "Yeah, that IS a little strange."

Show says, "Yeah, but that's not the worst part, though."

"There's more?"

Show says, "Yep, you see, when someone comes in to complain or ask even a simple question, the nurses are REQUIRED to say 'What', over and over again. If they don't, they'll be fired on the spot."

Tazz nods, "I see, I see...interesting. Hey Show, let's pull into that parking lot over there."

"Why?"

"Cause', there's some store--OH, that's a pawn shop. Nonetheless, I gotta' use the little cowboys' room."

(Show sighs, and pulls into the parking lot, Tazz gets out and Show follows him to the front door where Tazz just looks back at Show standing behind him...)

Tazz asks, "Well? Aren't you gonna' prop me up? You know I can't reach the doorknob."

Show sighs as he lifts Tazz up from under his armpits so he can turn the doorknob. Tazz happily says, "There!, it's open."

(Tazz and Show walk inside and Tazz walks up to the clerk...)

Tazz asks, "Excuse me, but may I use the facilities?"

The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, but the bathrooms are for paying customers only. Do you intend to buy something?"

Tazz rolls his eyes and says, "Show, looks like I gotta' buy something then."

Show shrugs and then starts looking around and comes across something. He yells, "HEY TAZZ!, TAZZ!"

Tazz walks over, "Yeah, what's up?"

Show points in the display case, "Check that out!"

Tazz, a bit surprised, says, "Whoa!--Look at 'dat!"

Show says, "It's the European title!"

Tazz asks, "Yeah, but how'd it get way out here in the middle of nowhere?"

Show just shrugs, "Ya' got me. Hey, did you find anything over there?"

Tazz smiles and says, "Yeah, check this out." He pulls out a single drumstick.

"A drumstick? --the hell?"

Tazz nods, "Yep. A drumstick."

"Well, ok. Just go pay for it so YOU can go to the bathroom and then WE can get out of here!"

Tazz says, "Ok, ok. He walks up to the counter and asks, "How much is this?"

The clerk responds, "Two dollars."

(Tazz gives her the money and she points to where the bathroom is. Moments later, Tazz comes back out and Show is in the car already, so Tazz gets in the car)

Show says, "About damn time."

Tazz says, "I had trouble reaching the sink, so sue me!"

Show impatiently says, "Alright, alright, let's go. Oh, didya' see my shiny new gold belt? (pointing to his waist)"

Tazz asks, "What the--you actually BOUGHT that thing?"

"Yeah, why not? Now, I'm the new European champ--it feels great, a dream come true, and at only 99 cents, I ain't arguing. Hahahaaaa! Yeah!"

* * *

(So Show and Tazz peel out of the parking lot and head on up the road as we now join in with Spike and Albert who, by the way, STILL haven't eaten...)

Spike rubs his stomach and says, "I am soooo hungry! We gotta' stop SOMEWHERE!"

Albert nods, "Yeah, the ol' A-train's running outta' steam here. Hey, there's a KFC, let's go!"

(Spike pulls up to the speaker in the Drive-thru. He waits a few moments...)

Spike leans over into the speaker and says, "Hello?...helloooo?"

(Finally after about two minutes, a slightly irritated voice comes on...)

_Speaker: HELLO, what do you want?_

(Spike glances over at Albert, and Albert leans over and says into the speaker...)

Albert forcefully asks, "Hey, what the hell kinda' greeting is THAT?"

_Speaker: (sarcastically) I'm soooo sorry. How can I help you?_

Albert says, "Yeah, gimme' a 16-piece chicken, smartass!"

_Speaker: Wait while I get your total..._

(It takes this guy about 10 minutes to return)

_Speaker: (still as sarcastic as ever) Yeah, that'll be 15 dollars, now can I get y'all anything else, hmmmm?_

Albert furrows his brow and asks, "Spike, you recognize this guy's voice?"

Spike shakes his head, "No, not really. But that sarcastic attitude..."

Albert says, "Regardless, I'm gonna' wring this guy's NECK when I get around there!"

(There are a couple cars getting their orders just ahead of Spike and Albert, they finally reach the window and a young woman opens it and repeats the total.)

Albert says, "I'm sorry to interrupt, miss, but there was a rude gentleman that took our order, are you familiar with who I'm talking about?"

The girl replies, "Yes sir, he's over there...(pointing)"

Albert says, "Well, I'd like to see both him AND his manager!"

The girl nods and says, "Ok sir, just a moment please."

(The girl steps away from the window and returns after a minute)

"My manager said to come inside so you can talk. His name's Tony."

Spike says, "Thanks, miss."

(So Spike wheels the car into a parking space and Albert goes inside up to the counter...)

Albert asks, "So where's this guy Tony?"

"He'll be out in a second."

"Ok, thanks."

(So Albert takes a seat at a nearby table and the girl points Albert out to Tony.)

(Tony approaches Albert...)

Tony says, "Hello sir, my name's Tony. I understand there's a problem with one of our crewmembers?"

Albert exclaims, "Yes there's a problem! Whoever took my order in the drive-thru was sarcastic, impatient, and RUDE! I'd like to meet this little snot so I can give him a piece of my mind!"

Tony, trying to calm Albert down, says, "Sir, sir, please. I'm sure we can settle this as adults, ok? I apologize for his rudeness and he WILL be punished. In the meantime, your bucket of chicken is on the house. I apologize for any inconvenience."

Albert relents a bit and says, "Well, then I...I GUESS it's ok, then. But who WAS that guy anyway?"

Tony replies, "Well, misterrr...uh?"

"A-Train."

Tony nods, "Well, Mr. Train, his name's Marcus."

Albert asks, "Where's he at? Don't worry, I ain't gonna hurt'm!"

(Tony looks around, but can't seem to find this Marcus)

Tony shrugs and says, "Sorry, I-I don't see him."

(Suddenly, a miserable-looking guy just slowly shuffles out of the bathroom kind of dragging his feet with a "kill me, please" expression on his face. Should I mention that he's also the only crew member with an oversized red KFC Dr. Seuss-style hat and a red and white KFC shirt that has KFC printed on the front with the old nWo-stlye lettering--like kFc--you get the point...)

Albert, pointing with his mouth hanging open and eyes wide open, "He-hey!, I KNOW him!"

Tony asks, "You do?"

Albert smiles and says, "That li'l punk used to work where I work. He didn't even last a month. I GOTTA' say somethin' to HIM!"

(Albert just stands up and...)

"Hey Bagwell!"

(So NOW you know who it is...)

Buff spins around and says, "Albert?"

Albert replies, "Yeah, I was the one who you got smart with back in the drive-thru!"

Buff puts his hands up devensively and says, "Hey, hey, my bad, man..."

Albert asks, "So this is what you've been doing ever since you gat canned, huh? Hehehe!"

Buff waves him off and says, "Ah, shut up. See, WWE or WWF or whatEVER they wanna' call themselves, just don't know how to appreciate a good worker like myself. However, here at KFC, I'm appreciated. You see, I'M the man 'round here! You want some chicken, you GOTS' to go through ME! Last week, my girl got outta' line and I had to cut her off. Yeah, that's right--she 'GITS no more free chicken. I was hookin' her up with all SORTS of things--Apple pies, chickens, ANY flavor of soda--EVEN the Hi-C! Albert, I tell ya' she just didn't appreciate me. I finally told her that if she didn't start appreciating me, then she's cut off, that's right, CUT OFF!!"

Albert, nodding slowly and looking at Bagwell strangely, says, "I see, I see..."

Buff continues, "Yeah, that's RIGHT! Straight cash money right here! You see, there's the old slogan "nWo is the only way to go", right? Well, NOW there's a NEW slogan--"KFC, is the ONNNNNLY way t'be!" , Hahahahaaaaaa!"

(Suddenly a girl walks up to Bagwell...)

The girl says, "Hey Marcus, your mom just called. (Buff was trying to motion for her to be quiet...) Yeah, she said she wants you to pick up some milk, butter, and her prune juice--OH, she said that if the prune juice is more than $1.50, then just get her some mineral oil, instead."

"OK already, GOD!"

The girl retorts, "I'm just TRYING to give you the message so I wouldn't forget it, damn!"

"Well OK then...geez!"

(An awkward silence follows as Buff just looks at Albert with an unsure expression on his face...)

Buff awkwardly stammers, "...Wel-well, y-you know that I—"

Albert replies, "--Um, uh...yeah."

(Albert just folds his arms and looks at the floor and then back up at Bags...)

Buff, putting his hands in his pockets, embarrassingly replies, "Well, I'd...uh, better get back to, uh--y'know..."

Albert says, "...Yeah--hey look, I don't want to take up any more of your time, Bags. After, hahaaa, after seeing THAT display there, It's clear to me that you're--uh, making REAL money working here! But, you know what, though? You should feel HONORED though, YES you should. Why? Because, when your shift ends, one half of a former world championship tag team is actually asking YOU to do a little shopping! (sarcastically) Now, HOW many people can say that? I certainly can't! bwahahahahaaaa! Later loser!"

(So Albert takes his leave, but as he's leaving he has another look at Tony)

Albert squints and says, "You know what? I SWEAR I've seen YOU before."

Tony nervously says, "Wha-what do you mean, ehehehe?"

Albert reiterates, "I KNOW I've SEEN you SOMEWHERE before!"

Tony, glancing around nervously, replies, "Uh, ahehe, thats--er, not pos-possible.

(Suddenly, a loud timer goes off in the back and a boy comes running to the front toward Tony...)

The boy, panting and anxious, says, "Tony--er, I mean Mr. Schiavone--(Tony closes his eyes tightly and bows his head)"

Albert, interrupting exclaims, "--Ah HAH!, I KNEW I've seen you before!!! You were that guy from NITRO weren't you?"

Tony, finally resigning, says, "Alright alright, yes I was, I WAS!"

He takes a deep breath before explaining. He says, "Man, WWE wouldn't even LOOK at my job application. I tried to go to Jarrett's promotion, but I got called "slapnuts" and someone hit me over the head with a guitar. My head was sticking through the guitar when security threw me out. But, ya' know what? I'm fine, and I'm gonna BE fine! I have a career oppurtunity here at KFC! The bennies are nice, too! As a matter of fact, do you know that you're talking to THE MOST PRACTICAL CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF ALL CULINARY ARTS!? Now, you tell me, can a career in...WWE POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY, compare with...this?" (Tony has his arm extended toward the restaurant)

Albert, raises his eyebrows with his eyes darting around, and says, "Well, oooohkaaay, I-I must be going now. Uh, nice-uh, nice meetin' you. Hey, just--just keep at it, and you'll, uh--you'll go far! Fight the power!"

(Albert gets in the car and says...)

Albert smiles and says, "Spike, you won't believe this. But I saw Buff Bagwell AND Tony Schiavone--you know, that annoying fat guy that used to announce on NITRO?"

Spike asks, "HIM? You mean they're BOTH working there? Wow, I knew the economy was bad, but..."

Albert, interrupting, says, "--And get this, they're both self-proclaimed "career men" with KFC! --KFC is the only way to be...haha! Kiss my hairy ass, Bagwell..."

(Albert and Spike just start laughing aloud as Spike starts Albert's hairy car and they continue on their way...)

* * *

So, what's gonna happen next time? Will Vince ever have a moment's peace to look at his porn collection? Will he change his mind and decide to add sausage to his pizza, thereby throwing a wrench in the plan of Pizza Hut to get it delivered in time? Is there a plastic surgeon on the face of this PLANET that's good enough to make Jazz at LEAST look like a woman? (Naaaaah--don't see it happening. Jazz looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit EVERY branch on the way down, yecch!) Will Judy Bagwell hold the tag team straps with ANYONE else--AGAIN? Will BUFF Bagwell EVER learn to keep a job? Will Tony Schiavone ever LOSE his "championship"? Well, these and all other weird questions will be answered when you tune in next time--same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.

Please review, thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly.

(Ok when we left, Albert and Spike just purchased some fried chicken from Tony Schiavone and Buff Bagwell. But for now, we'll move onto Tazz and Show as they need to get some gas...)

Tazz says, "Hey Show, you see that lever? We're low on gas."

Show shrugs, "Yeah, I know. That sign I saw a couple minutes ago said there's a gas station up ahead at the next exit."

(So show drives his, ahem, car to the gas station and pulls up to a pump...)

Tazz looks at the "car" curiously and asks, "Hey Show, how do you put gas in this thing?"

Show says, "The gas cap is on the side of the thumb."

"Oh ok, I'll pump and go half wit' yous' on the gas."

Show nods, "Cool. I'll go inside and get something to eat, you want anything?"

"Yeah brotha', get me some nachos. If they ain't got any, get me some Doritos."

(Show turns and goes into the store after Tazz hands him some money...)

Tazz mumbles to himself, "Damn, gas is high. It's 2.14 a gallon for friggin' plus!"

(As Tazz is pumping, Show returns with two bags full of chips and sodas...)

Tazz mentions, "Damn Show, don't you think you're gonna' get sick from eatin' all 'dat junk, man?"

Show, as he bites into an oatmeal creme pie, says, "Nope."

(As Show gets into the car, Tazz just finishes filling up the hand, er, car)

Show asks, "How much?"

Tazz answers, "25 dollars, brotha'. I got my 12.50."

"Yeah, here's my 12.50."

(So Tazz walks into the convenience store and pays the mullet-haired clerk the 25 dollars.)

The clerk smiles a toothless grin, saying, "Alright shorty, ya'll come 'gin y'hear?"

Tazz raises his eyebrows and says, "Yeah, yeah...nice hair."

The clerk replies, "Thanks man, you know I'm just tryin t'keep up with fashion, ahehehe!"

Tazz sarcastically says, "Yep...gotta' keep up with fashion, my man."

(Tazz laughs to himself as he exits the store shaking his head slowly...)

Show says, "Ok, we're off!"

"Hey Show, It's startin' t'get kinda' late. Let's get some rest, eh?"

Show yawns and says, "Yeah, I'm with you on that one. Let's go."

* * *

(So, as Tazz and Show go on their way to find a hotel, we'll now look in on Spike and Albert...)

Spike suggests, "Hey, let's get some rest soon."

Albert agrees, "Yeah, I s'pose your right. Look, there's an Econo Lodge hotel up the road here, let's see if they have any vacancies."

(So Spike finds the hotel and they go up to the front desk...)

The front desk clerk asks, "May I help you?"

Albert asks, "You got any vacancies?"

"Uh...yes, I have three left."

Albert asks, "Ok, how much for a room?"

"How long ya' stayin?"

Albert replies, "One night."

"Well that's $35, then--are you two separate?"

Albert says, "Yeah."

(So the clerk rings them up and they take their keys and go on to their rooms...)

Spike says, "Ok, let's set the alarms for 7:00."

Albert furrows his brow and asks, "Since when did YOU start telling ME what to do?"

"But I didn't—"

Albert, interrupting, retorts, "--Yes you did! Now I have an idea, we'll set our alarms for 7:00."

Spike, sighing, then rolling his eyes as he closes his door, mumbling, "whatever..."

As he closes his door, Albert's still laughing a little at the incident hours ago at KFC. He says, "Hahaha...KFC is the only way to be, hahahaha!"

Spike is in his room dreaming about the program he worked with Molly--when she first came to WWE. He says to himself, "Man, those were the days. Molly liked me, although I couldn't defend her honor. She left me for that li'l perv Hurricane--HURRICANE!"

(Spike stands and walks toward the mirror and starts posing...)

Spike asks himself aloud, "Now what does Hurricane have that I don't? Well, I guess I can't be TOO upset, she dumped him as well! (still posing...)  
Spike Dudley, you STUD! Look at me, I have the face of a...an angel, my arms are bigger than Hulk Hogan's could ever HOPE t'be, and, (turns around a little) let's face it, God has never created a more spectacular ass. Y'know, maybe...maybe I should just CALL Molly. She might be interested in rekindling that dating angle we had. YEAH--she's usually up late, anyway, so..."

He gets out his address book--even though in that very book, Molly's phone number is under a special section Spike calls the "Stop looking at me, or I'll press charges", section... He says, "AH, here it is, ok--555-3232..."(phone is ringing...)

(someone picks up...)

_Voice: Herro?_

Spike smiles and says, "Hey Molly, you know who this is?"

_Voice: So solly, this isn't Morry._

Spike jumps a little and asks, "Oops sorry. Is Molly available?"

_Voice: Rell, who 'zis?_

Spike furrows his brow and asks, "Well, who are you?"

_Voice: 'Zis is a-Gail 'Keem._

Spike answers, "This is Spike."

_Gail: Spike...a-Spike-a who?_

"Dudley."

_Gail: OHHHH, Morry-san tord me about you._

Spike smiles, "Oh yeah, what'd she tell you?"

_Gail: Oh yes, yes, she said you stalk-a'. A-she call you pervert. I go get her now..._

(Gail walks away to get Molly and leaves the phone off the hook as Spike hears some faint talking, then yelling...)

(After about two minutes, Gail returns...)

_Gail: Herro, Spike?_

"Yeah?"

_Gail: She said she no here._

"Can't you just put her on? I mean, I just wanna' talk."

(Gail talks to Molly, all Spike can hear is intense whispering...)

_Gail: She said you no call here no more!_

"But...just tell her that—"

_Gail: (interrupting) No, no--she say you no call here, she say she call cop!_

"Please put her on. Pleeeeease? "

(More mumbling in the background...including a faint, but harsh sounding "gimme 'dat!")

"Hello?...hello?...Molly?, Gail?...hello?, hel—"

_Phone: --click--_

"Hello?, hello? (looks at the reciever, hangs it up, sighs and turns off the light as he lays down...) ...Yep, she wants me."

* * *

(So we leave THAT sad scene and go to a potentially happier one, with RVD and Lita...)

RVD asks, "Hey Lita, whaddya' say we crash somewhere for tonight?"

Lita yawns, "Yeah, I'm down with that."

RVD suggests, "Hey, how 'bout this Red Roof Inn up here?"

"Cool. We'll go half on a room." (yawns)

"Alright then."

(So Rob and Lita pull up to the hotel and approach the check-in counter...)

The front desk clerk says, "Hey, welcome to Red Roof, can I get you a room?"

RVD says, "Yeah, a double."

"Ok, the rooms are $50 a night."

(Rob turns to Lita, who's digging in her purse for her wallet and hands Rob her share of the fee. Rob gets his money and hands it to the clerk)

The clerk replies "Thank you, enjoy your stay."

Lita nods, "Ok, thanks."

(Rob and Lita get on the elevator and approach their room...)

Lita stretches and says, "Man I'm sooooo tired!"

RVD agrees, "Yeah, me too. It'll be nice to get some shuteye."

(Rob unlocks the door and the housekeeping lady is still inside...her back is turned as she's busy putting new towels in the bathroom...)

RVD says, "--Oh, sorry. We won't get in your way..."

The lady, back still turned toward Rob and Lita, replies, "Oh no, I'll be done in a minute."

(RVD and Lita glance at each other with a confused expression on their faces...)

Lita asks, "Hey Rob, did her voice sound..."

RVD nods and says, "Yep, I know just what you're thinkin'. Her voice DID sound familiar."

(So the cleaning lady comes out of the bathroom and ...)

The lady turns around and says, "Ok you two, the bathroom is now stocked with new towels, soap, and shampoo."

RVD and Lita recognize the woman and exclaim together, "HEY!"

The lady, immediately recognizing Rob and Lita, "Oh my god, Rob, Lita! What are you two doing here?"

(Lita runs over and hugs the cleaning lady)

Lita says, "Oh I've missed you sooooooo much, Jackie!" (_Jackie Moore_)

RVD adds, "Yeah, how have things been going?"

Jacqueline answers, "Well, they've been going alright I guess. I had to take this job to kinda' tide me over because, as you know, I was laid off."

Lita says, "Awwww, I'm so sorry."

Jacqueline continues, "Yeah, I've been working here for about three months now."

Lita suggests, "Well, lemme' give you my number. It wouldn't be right if we were to leave here and I just lose contact with you." (She pulls out paper and pen and writes her number then gives it to Jackie...)

Jackie folds up the paper and says, "Ok then I'll be certain to call you. --Hey, by the way, what brings you two around here?"

RVD answers, "Well, we're on this beer and porn mission from Vince."

Jackie asks, "What!? He's STILL doing those?"

Lita shrugs, "Yep, still."

Jackie asks, "How's Linda taking it?"

RVD says, "I guess she has learned to just...accept it."

Lita adds, "Sad, I know."

Jackie says, matter-of-factly, "That IS too bad, you know. It's always a shame when such a long marriage like theirs loses its flavor."

RVD mentions, "Yeah, speakin' of flavor, Vince goes around telling people that his marriage is like when you chew the same piece of gum for hours on end--it just loses its flavor, and your jaw gets tired."

Jackie smirks, "He's such an asshole."

Lita smiles and agrees, "I know, he IS!"

Jackie asks, "Hey Lita, Matt knows you're with...(pointing at Rob)?

Lita nods, "Oh yeah, yeah he does."

Jackie laughs a little an asks, "Hey, are they still booking Matt in career-destroying matches?"

RVD nods, "Yup, still. Y'know, it's sorta' like when they booted X-Pac, Matt kinda' took his place."

Lita says, "It's almost like Matt's the Rodney Dangerfield of WWE, he just gets NO RESPECT!"

RVD smiles and says, "Yeah, dude...you should see the fued he's in NOW! I can't even BEGIN to explain it, you'd just have to watch RAW..."

Lita nods, "Yeah, they even dragged ME ino this--OH, and did I mention I'm the focal point of this...feud?"

Jackie smiles and says, "Damn!, I'm gonna' tune in. I GOTTA see what you're talkin' about."

(Lita and Rob just glance at each other...)

Jackie checks her watch and says, "Shit, I gotta get to about six other rooms before my boss gets back!--Hey Rob, Lita, it's nice seein' you and I'll be in touch. You two take care alright?"

RVD and Lita say, "Alright, you too!"

(Jackie exits and closes the door)

RVD thumbs back toward the door and says, "Man, that's really too bad about Jackie."

"Yeah, I know. I'd like to see somebody who really deserves it to work the job that poor Jackie has."

RVD mentions, "Yeah, like all four members of Evolution. Hehehe!"

"Yeah, hehehe. If I saw H scrubbing a floor, I'd spit on it just to see that funny expression he gets when he's mad."

RVD agrees, "Yeah, he DOES make funny faces when he's mad. It sorta reminds me of Faarooq, haha!"

"Y'know, YEAH, Faarooq DOES make some funny faces. Hey, y'know that reminds me, Molly told me something that had me cracking UP the other day."

"Molly? She's so quiet. You mean she got jokes?"

Lita smiles brilliantly and says, "Oh my god, YES! She's one of those people who can say something funny and you'll be just cracking up while she just sits there all quiet."

"Yeah? Well, what'd she say?"

"She said that if she had creative control, she'd book the APA in the first ever "twin brother match" against the team of Will Farrell and George Jefferson!"

(Rob and Lita just start cracking up as Lita goes into the bathroom to shower and change)

* * *

(So as Rob and Lita prepare for bed, Evolution found a Best Western hotel to find lodging...)

Flair says, "Man, I'm beat. I need some sleep."

Cowboy Bob III says, "Yeah, me too. Let's just get to our rooms."

HHH suggests, "Ok guys, two per room, let's go."

(So Evolution check in and go into their respective rooms, paired off. Batista and Orton, Flair and H, Hebner sleeps on the floor in HHH's room...)

Batista turns to Orton and says, "Yo Randy, I ain't sleepy, man."

Cowboy Bob III answers, "I am, dude. So, you just gonna' watch some tv, then?"

"Hell, might as well--ain't nothin' else t'do here. The bar's closed, there's no clubs or arcades anywhere."

(So Randy just lays on the bed and eventually drifts off as Batista is channel-surfing...)

Batista says to himself, "Damn, nothings on--woah, what have we here?"

(Batista looks over at Randy, who's long gone into dreamland)

Batista smiles and says, "Cool...porn. Alright, It's one of my favorites."

(So about 45 minutes into the movie, Batista's pretty much entranced sitting indian-style on his bed gently licking his lips when a sudden knock at the door startles him...)

Batista yells, "Dammit, Who IS it?"

_Door: It's ME!_

Batista asks, "Champ, that you?"

_HHH: Yeah, let me in!_

(Batista opens the door and H comes in...)

HHH says, "Hey, me and Naitch were wondering if—" (H does a double-take at the movie on television and...)

Batista asks, "What were you wondering?"

HHH, who's just as entranced as Batista is, replies, "Shhh...Wait, wait, wai..DAMN, check out the knockers on THAT chick, woohooo!"

Batista returns his attention to the television and says, "Yeah, her tits are lovely, dude--hoo baby!"

HHH points at the television and asks, "What channel is that?"

"Oh, it's Skinemax. Hey, what is it you wanted?"

HHH, still looking at the movie, replies, "Huh? Oh, I-I can't remember..."

Batista, refocusing his attention on the movie, "Yeah, yeah...spread 'em wiiiide, baby! --What?! The credits are rolling already?"

HHH says, "Damn, movie's over. You musta' just caught it near the end, then. Well, I gotta call Steph, you know where t'find me, then."

(HHH exits and pulls out his cellphone and dials. Phone rings and Steph picks up...)

_Steph: (chewing) Mmm...Hello?_

HHH smiles and says, "Hey sweetness."

_Steph: (still chewing...) Hey baby!_

"Hey, I just wanted to check on you before I hit the bed."

_Steph: (swallowing the food...) Okay thanks, everything's fine here. I'll call you if I need anything. (takes another bite of whatever she's eating and starts chewing in H's ear...)_

"Ok th--DAMN Steph, WHY do you ALWAYS have to be eating something?"

_Steph: It-it's just a couple hoagies--_

HHH cuts her off, "--A COUPLE hoagies, Steph!? WHY, huh? WHY can't you just eat more...HUMAN helpings?"

_Steph: (chewing again) But Hunter baby--_

"Don't you 'but Hunter baby', me! When I get back, I'm throwing away ALL of your subs, your fried chicken--hell Steph, you have buckets that you haven't even TOUCHED yet!, I'm throwing away all your twinkies—"

_Steph: ---NOOOOO!_

"YES, Steph--it's for your own good!, I'm throwing away all your ding-dongs too! In fact, the only ding-dong I want to see your lips around is MINE! Got it?"

_Steph: NOOO!, PLEASE HUNTER!? Can't we talk about this!?_

"I'm done talking, Steph! I'm sick and TIRED of getting in bed and wallowing in crumbs from today's...sudden craving! It's over Steph, just wait'll I get home, I'm gonna—"

_Phone: --click--_

HHH staring angrily into the receiver, "Hello? hello?...Steph? (mumbling) I don't believe she just hung up on me."

(H goes into his room and...)

Flair asks, "Everything alright, champ?"

"No, me and Steph had an argument."

Flair asks, "Was it about her eating habits?"

"Yes!--I don't get it, I mean, why does she HAVE to eat so much? Why can't I just have a NORMAL wife like everyone else seems to? Naitch, at dinner, we'd have, like six fish fillets, right?  
Well, Steph would eat, like, FIVE of them!"

Flair raises his eyebrows and says, "Yeah, I didn't wanna' say anything, but those times that I'm over, Steph pretty much clears the table."

"YES--I know! It's fucking embarrassing! I mean, her excuse is "well, since no one's eating them, I guess I can have them, no sense in letting them go to waste!" , --the fuck? What does she mean "no one's eating them"? I keep telling her that the reason I'm not eating them is because I'm still on my first helping and by the time I'm halfway through my first, she's midway into her THIRD!"

Flair, trying to calm H down, "Champ, champ...calm down. It'll be OK. Just shower, change out of your gear and lay down. It's been a busy day and I can tell you're just tired. In the morning, you'll be right as rain. Ok, champ?"

"I know, I know, it's just that she _really_ pisses me off sometimes--I mean, it's like she KNOWS what buttons to press and in which ORDER to press them!"

Flair says, "Champ, don't worry, don't worry, my wife's the SAME way. I call her a magician, the way she seemingly turns EVERYTHING into an argument. So, just get some rest, 'eh champ?"

"You're right, you're right, (sighs) I...should just lay down. Thanks, Naitch."

* * *

(So, as HHH and Flair prepare for bed, Batista's still watching his skin flicks,and Orton's out like a light, Show and Tazz found a hotel and have finally gotten situated. So, we now join Show and Ta--oh brother, what are they doing?)

_Movie: (Female moaning) Oooooh yes, baby...Ha-harder, harder, harder! OOOOH, YES, YES, YEEEESSSS!_

(Show and Tazz are sharing a bowl of popcorn and staring wide-eyed at the telly.)

_Movie: (Man with a deep voice) You like 'dat, don't ya baby?_

Tazz smiles and says, "Y'know, this is one of the great things about hotels...free porn!"

Show, still looking at the tv wide-eyed, says, "...yeah."

"Hey Show, can you think of, uh, anyone we work wit' who'd be good for these, y'know, types of films?"

Show answers, "Yeah, Torrie!"

"Torrie, huh?"

Show takes a big handful of popcorn and says, "Yep, BEEN wanting to show her why they call me 'Big Show'. How about you?"

Tazz answers, "Me? Well, I kinda' always had my eye on Liter."

"Liter? Don't you mean LITA?"

Tazz says, "S'what I said--Liter."

"If you say so..."

Tazz continues, "Yeah, I've ALWAYS wanted t'get lost in between HER legs, haha!"

Show smiles, "Ha, I know what you mean. I'd LOVE to give Torrie a good spankin'! I mean, just t'feel that nice, firm, round booty in my hands--I'd KILL for the chance, man--even IF she's kind of a strange dresser."

"Whaddya' mean?"

Show explains, "Well, a lot of times I've come across her backstage. She'd be dressed, like, in jeans and a t-shirt--you know, like normal."

"Yeah, g'head..."

"Yeah well, I'd see her running around backstage with kneepads over her jeans."

"Kneepads, huh?"

Show says, "Yeah, every time I'd ask her about why she'd be wearing them over her regular clothes, she always either changes the subject or she gets defensive. You know, a perfect example of this would be about a week before her big push, I ran into her coming out of the creative team office--AGAIN wearing those kneepads over her knees, except THIS time, she had a dress on. Well, I asked her why she had kneepads on while wearing a dress, right? I looked at her hair, which was admittedly a bit unkempt and saw a couple dots of some white mess in her hair that looked like that liquid soap you get in grocery stores. I asked her, 'Hey Torrie, what's that stuff in your hair?'"

Tazz nods, "Ok..."

Show goes on, "Ok, and she got defensive and short with her answer, she said 'Uuuh...it's, uuuh, i-it's conditioner, that's right, conditioner! I-I must've forgot to wash it all out, ehehehe.' Kinda' strange isn't it? But, nonetheless, I STILL wanna' rock Torrie's foundation!"

Tazz says, "Yeah, brotha' I hear ya', I hear ya'...Hmm...funny you should mention that, though."

"Huh?"

Tazz explains, "Yeah...I see Stacy, Nidia, and sometimes Ivory walking around wearing kneepads all the time. You know, I saw Jacqueline wearing kneepads while coming out of Evolution's locker room. Strangest part is, that was just before she won the Cruiserweight title. Shortly after she won it, they let her go." (Tazz and Show just shrug and continue watching the movie...)

(So, I guess Show and Tazz are just gonna stay up watching pornos, like our friend Batista. Hmm, next chapter should be pretty interesting...)

* * *

So, will Molly finally go through with that restraining order against Spike? Will Gail Kim EVER learn to speak a-plopa' engrish? Will Torrie's next push come as hard and as sudden as Gerwitz and crew undoubtedly did? Will Steph consider changing her nickname from "the billion-dollar princess" to the much-more fitting name of "the billionth-HELPING princess"? Will Randy wake up and catch Batista "in the act"? Then if he does, will he be aroused? These and all other weird questions will be answered when you tune in next time--Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, Thanks!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly.

(Most of our travelers slept, while a few stayed awake and decided to watch a little porn. Well, morning came and they all had breakfast. We're gonna' rejoin them in Georgia. Ok? Ok.)

RVD says, "Man Lita, that breakfast sure hit the spot, eh?"

Lita replies, "No doubt, no doubt."

RVD smiles, "So, I meant to ask you--whaddya' think of my car?"

"My god, this car is soooo COOL! Tell me, HOW did you get it in the shape of a-a BONG?"

RVD explains, "Hahahaaa, yeah my boy Donny hooked me up! As a matter of fact...(checks his watch) ...I believe it's time to see the coolest thing about this car, hehehe."

"What do you mean?"

RVD points out, "Well, open the glove compartment. G'head, open it."

(Lita opens the glove compartment and a kilo of weed and about five joints fall out...)

Lita, with eyes wide open, exclaims, "ROB! (she picks up the bag and takes a big sniff) mmmmm, DAMN this shit smells good!"

RVD laughs a bit and says, "Yeah BUDDY! Hah, You're damn right, I only get the best weed money can buy, dude!"

Lita, inspecting the bag closer, says, "Damn, there's a LOTTA' this stuff!"

RVD smiles, "Yeah baby YEAH! And do you smell that, Lita? That weed is true quality from none other than Rob, Van, Dam!"

(Lita picks up a joint and finds a lighter still inside the glove compartment. She and Rob just look at each other with sly grins on their faces...)

* * *

(Buuuut...for now, lets join Evolution...)

HHH, a bit flustered, asks, "Y'know, I don't know what that waitress' problem was. I mean, why did I have to be PUBLICLY escorted out of the restaurant like that?"

Flair says, "Well champ, I guess not everybody appreciates you for the champion that you truly are."

HHH says, "Yeah, that's gotta' be it. Heh, EVERYBODY loves ME! I'm the GAME, for fuck's sake! Geez."

Hebner pipes in, "Uh, can I say something?"

HHH stops him,"No, YOUR only job is to count one, two, and three! Got it?"

Hebner nods, "Ok, champ."

HHH says, "Now, what was I saying--Oh yeah, I can't believe they wouldn't let me go over anybody in that place! I mean, I pin people--it's my JOB! The general public LOVES me! They WANT t'see me on tv for most of the program, because they ALL know that not one wrestler in that locker room can keep the show goin' QUITE like I can. Now can I get an AMEN?"

The rest of Evolution give a collective, "AMEN!"

HHH smirks and says, "Damn straight! Everyone knows who the REAL moneymaker is. It's ME--er, EVOLUTION!"

Evolution says, "YEAH!"

Flair consoles, "Don't worry, champ. We'll get'm next time."

HHH smirks and says, "Yeah, who needs Bob Evans, anyhow? I always thought their food sucked ass, anyways!"

(Evolution starts laughing...)

Batista asks, "Hey champ, how long till we hit Florida?"

HHH shrugs, "Ehhh, It shouldn't be too much longer. Like, maybe two hours."

(Suddenly, H grimaces and...)

HHH sniffles and remarks, "--the HELL? Who farted?"

(Evolution just bursts out laughing)

HHH asks a bit more forcefully, "Who the hell just farted?"

Batista shakes his head, "Not me, dude."

Flair says, "Hey, hey don't even LOOK at me, pal!"

Cowboy Bob III shrugs, "Well it wasn't me."

Hebner says, "I didn't do nuthin', either."

HHH angrily declares, "Well, I know SOMEbody did it! It smells like fuckin' EGGS in here!"

(The rest of Evolution's just laughing)

HHH, disgusted, says, "I gotta' roll down a window. Y'know, I really expected more out of you guys. I mean, if you farted, then just own up to it, damn! Just excuse yourself and crack a window! How HARD is it,huh!? But, NOOOOOO, SOMEbody in here just has t'go around leaving eye-waterers, gah!"

Cowboy Bob III reiterates, "Hey champ, it was NOT me! I'm tellin' you!"

Batista says, "Well, I know it wasn't me...THIS time. Y'know what, I REALLY think it was Naitch."

Flair, getting very defensive, says, "WHAT! How the hell can it be me?"

Batista points out, "Well, I noticed you really putting away those bran flakes earlier at breakfast."

Cowboy Bob III adds, "Yeah, I saw him eatin' about three BOWLS of those nasty-assed bran flakes!"

Flair stubbornly explains, "So what, so WHAT! Bran flakes help keep me regular! (he suddenly resigns) Aw, fuck it! --Champ, it was ME! Yeah, that's right! The NAIT'CHA boy cut a legendary FART straight from my legendary ASS, pal! Whoooooo! And ya' know what ELSE!? It STINKS! It stinks NICE and GOOD, like only the NAIT'CHA BOY can do! Hell, you should see me in action at home, baby! Me and myyyyy woman, Whoooooo!, we take TURNS cuttin' under the covers! But now, we're gonna' roll up these windows and ENJOY the AROMA of what I, WHOOOO, had f'breakfast!"

HHH, waving his hand in front of his face, says, "Naitch, as bad as your...aroma smells, I cannot and WILL not shut the windows! Now look, you stank up our room in the hotel last night, giving yourself dutch ovens all night! I'll be DAMNED if I'm going through that again in this car!"

Cowboy Bob III also waving his hand in front of his face, says, "DAMN Naitch, what the hell was IN those bran flakes!? God DAMN, that's a potent odor!" (rolls down the window and sticks his head out)

Batista says, "Naitch, that fart was absolutely WRETCHED! Silent, but deadly indeed, whew!"

Flair loudly declares, "Ah, so what! You bunch of babies! It's not like the world's coming to an end. Just get over it!"

HHH grimaces and says, "Phew, easy for YOU to say! You actually ENJOY the smell of your own farts!"

Flair thinks for a second and says, "...well, you DO have a point, my man."

* * *

(Evolution just starts laughing as we fade away from them and join Show and Tazz as they're driving through downtown Atlanta...)

Tazz points, "Hey Show, haha, check THAT out!"

Show looks out the window and says, "Hey yeah!--Wait a minute, isn't that D-Lo Brown?"

Tazz confirms "Yeah, that IS him!"

Show asks, "He's...BREAKDANCING?"

Tazz smiles, "Yeah, people are throwin' quarters at him!"

Show says, "Well, I'd stop, but I don't know if we're behind everyone or AHEAD of everyone?"

Tazz nods, "Yeah. Too bad though, D-Lo looks like a pretty good dancer! I'd give'm a buck or two!"

(So Show and Tazz wheel on down the road a piece and pass an Austin clinic next door to a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles restaurant.)

Tazz says, "There's a long line at that restaurant. Y'know I've always wondered how people can EAT that artery-clogging mess!"

Show is quiet at this time.

Tazz asks again, "Show?"

Once again, Show doesn't answer.

Tazz asks, "Hey Show, what's on your mind?"

Show somberly explains, "I'm still thinkin' about Torrie and those kneepads over her jeans."

Tazz says, "Oh, that?"

"Yeah. I had a couple moments last night to think about it."

(He and Tazz just glance at each other...)

Tazz, a bit more somber, replies, "Yeah, I-I was thinkin' the same thing, y'know?"

Show continues, "It's a shame that those girls feel that they have t'do stuff like that just to get more tv time or-or a push."

Tazz agrees, "Yeah, it IS a shame."

"Damn Tazz, I REALLY liked Torrie, too! I mean--I GENUINELY did!"

Tazz nods, "Yeah, brotha' I-I know the truth hurts, but you gotta' think about it, with all of the rosta' cuts and people up and quitting, things are tight right now. It's every man for himself."

Show sighs, "...I know."

"Hey, don't worry big guy. It'll be alright, you'll find anotha' , after all, the new diva search ain't over yet."

Show raises his eyebrows, "...Yeah, I guess you're right. I also know now just why Torrie wouldn't go out with me when I asked the other week. Just gimme' a few minutes, I'll be alright--I just need a little time, s'all."

Tazz nods, "No problem, brotha'."

* * *

(While Show recovers, let's join Albert and Spike)

Albert suggests, "Hey Spike, pull over."

(Spike pulls the car over)

"Why'd you have me pull over?"

"Get out, I'll drive!"

(Spike slides over to the passenger seat as Albert gets out and gets in the driver's side)

Albert sighs, "Ahh, that's better."

(So Albert and Spike continue up the road a couple more miles when they spot an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant...)

Spike says, "Hey, check that humongous restaurant out with all those people and..."

"And?"

Spike points out of the window and says, "Hey that chubby chick by the door looks like..."

Albert, trying to look while driving, asks, "Who?"

Spike squints and says, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that was...Sunny!"

Albert, not exactly surprised, replies, "Sunny? Oh, her. Yeah, she's what she likes to call a 'food mistress'."

"Food mistress?"

Albert explains, "Yeah, on the street, she's known as a 'buffet whore'."

"A WHAT?"

Albert goes on, "A 'buffet whore'. Yeah, y'see this is a new profession that overweight, has-been divas tend to take on. It's kind of a sad sight."

Spike, a bit befuddled, asks, "Gee...well what exactly do these 'buffet whores' do?"

Albert explains, "Well, what happens is, you pull into a parking space at a buffet-style restaurant and, uh, the ladies solicit you for sexual favors in exchange for food, not money."

"You mean, they sell their bodies for FOOD?"

Albert nods, "Yep. And, judging by the look of ol' Sunny, I'd venture t'say she's one of the more successful ones."

"...wow."

Albert says, "They're not actually allowed INSIDE the restaurants, but they manage to convince some patrons to sneak them in or maybe have 'em posing as guests or dates."

Spike furrows his brow and asks, "Well, why won't the restaurants allow them in? I mean, they're human beings who, I'd think, would have a right to be allowed inside."

Albert goes on, "Well, that's usually where the problem lies."

"What do you mean?"

"Yeah, you see, at one time they were allowed in. But, there was an incident in Las Vegas with Sherri Martel where she reportedly ate ALL of the restaurant's supply of ribs, then she started soliciting customers and then when asked to leave, she started screaming and handcuffed herself to the salad bar and swallowed the key!"

"Geez! What happened next?"

Albert says, "Well, the police came and cut her free and threw her in jail. To this day, she wears a muzzle over her face and it's only removed during the occasional conjugal visit."

Spike asks "Well how does she eat?"

Albert says, "Well, from what I hear, they attach a trough to her face and she eats out of it like a horse would. Well, anyway shortly after that incident, congress banned these buffet whores from the restaurants. Sometimes, you'll see a large gathering, usually on a Friday or Saturday night, and the police usually will come by and they'd scatter like roaches when you turn on a light."

Spike smirks and says, "What a career choice, eh?"

Albert smiles and says, "Yeah, heh--somethin' t'be real proud of."

* * *

(So, as Spike and Albert continue on to Florida, we'll meet up again with Rob and Lita, who are parked behind a bunch of bushes near a lake with a bunch of smoke coming out of Rob's bong-car...)

RVD, as high as EVER, says, "Eh, dude...'ere" (passes the joint to Lita, who's sprawled out and as high as a KITE.)

Lita, inhales, holds the smoke in and then exhales through her nose. She says, "hmhmhmhm...dude, hahahaa--Faarooq does look like George Jefferson, hahahahaa!"

RVD laughs, "Hehehehehe! Yeah, haaahahaaaa!"

(Lita and Rob just start laughing as Lita lazily passes the joint back to RVD)

RVD, inhales and says, "'ey...Lita. Y'know I was Booker T's 'bartner once...hahaha (exhales) Dude...he used to get PISSED when I called him M.C. Hammer." (passes joint to Lita)

Lita smiles, "Hahahaha...no shit, dude. M.C. Hammer (inhales) haaaahaaaahaaaaa..."

(A few more minutes pass)

RVD raises an eyebrow, "Duuuuuuuude...we are sooooooo fucked up...hahahahaaaaa!"

Lita giggles, "Eheheeeeheeheeheeheeheehee! Booker T...M.C. Hammer bwaahahahaaa!"

(Rob and Lita just start laughing aloud)

RVD says, "Heheee..'ey, girl, er, Lita...be passin', dude."

(Lita is so high, she can barely lift her arm to pass the joint. She tries, but just falls back laughing and giggling)

(So a couple more hours pass...)

RVD lazily says, "Liiiiiiiiiitaaaaaaah...eheheheee, Liiiiiiitaaaaaaa."

Lita, sluped down in her seat, says, "Damn dude, we smoked, like, all FIVE of these things. Hahaha!"

RVD says, "Y'know, we're prolly behind everybody. We gotta' get movin'."

Lita asks, "You ok t'drive, dude?"

RVD lazily says, "Yeeeeeaaaaah...hmhmhmhmhm."

(So Rob starts up the very smoky car--at this time, there is almost no visibility inside the car, and Lita is just sprawled out over the passenger side seat just laughing aimlessly. She can barely keep her eyes opened as she attempts to adjust herself in the seat)

(A couple minutes pass, and Rob and Lita start getting the munchies...)

Lita rubs her stomach, "Dude, I'm hungry."

RVD agrees, "Yeah, same here. Man I-I gotta' slow down."

Lita raises an eyebrow, "You WERE going a little fast."

RVD looks at the speedometer, "...Damn, It says I'm only doin' 20 miles an hour."

Lita points to a restaurant and says, "Hey, look, there's a Burger King."

(So Rob and Lita pull into the drive thru and place their orders...)

_Speaker: Hello, welcome to BK, can I take your order?_

RVD says, "Uuuh, yeah. We'd like four double whoppers, four double cheeseburgers, and four orders of fries and...uuuh, (whispers to Lita) hey, you want anything else?"

(Lita just shakes her head)

RVD says, "Uh, that'll be like, everything, then."

_Speaker: Ok, that'll be $16, please pull to the first window._

(So Rob and Lita get their orders and then Lita immediately opens her sandwich as Rob pays the clerk)

RVD says, "Well, I guess we'd better hurry then?"

Lita, with a mouthful of food nods, "mm-hm"

(So, as Rob and Lita cruise on down the stretch toward Atlanta still very high, we bid adieu to this chapter...)

* * *

What'll happen next time? Will Flair continue to expose his friends to his "aroma", as he puts it? Will HHH ever find a clothespin big enough to fit his nose? Will D-Lo Brown ever be able to make more than four dollars in a four-hour timeframe? How much will D-Lo charge if you asked him to do his "bobblehead" impersonation? (Oh, you better recognize!!!) But most importantly, where does RVD get his WEED, MAN!? These and all other weird questions will be answered when you tune in next time--Same Warrior place, same Warrior station, same Warrior channel!

Please review, Thanks!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own a DAMN thing!

(So, since we left off with Lita totally chowing down on some Burger King food, we'll resume here with Tazz and Show...)

Tazz asks, "Hey Show, you ok yet?"

Show sighs, "Yeah, I guess so."

"Good."

"Hey Tazz, haha, HERE'S a thought."

"Ok, what's up?"

Show says, "I was thinkin'--if I had creative control for one RAW, just ONE RAW, I'd have Benoit lose the title in an Ironman match."

"Ironman match, huh? Right up Benoit's alley, too. Who'd beat him?"

Show smiles and says, "Coach."

Tazz says, "Coach? Are you SERIOUS?"

"Yeah, Coach!"

Tazz smirks and asks, "Now HOW, praytell, is THAT supposed to happen?"

Show explains, "Well, I'd have it so that Benny is leading Coach one to nothing and it's at the 09:30 mark. Only 30 seconds left, right? Then, I'd have Coach irish-whip Benny into the ropes and finish him off with what would be known as his finisher..."

"Ok, what?"

Show excitedly answers, "A DROPKICK!"

Tazz laughs a bit and says, "WHAT? That's IT? A fuckin' DROPKICK?"

Show nods, "Yeah...what's wrong with that? I'd have coach pin Benny and tie it up. But, you see, the beauty of such a devastating finisher is that Benoit wouldn't get up and I'd have Coach pin him again , thereby putting him in the lead and with only a couple seconds to go, he'd be the new champ! Whaddya' think?"

Tazz looking at Show with a confused expression, says, "Well Show, haha, no offense, but I don't see a DROPKICK as a viable, believable finisha'!"

"You don't?"

"'Fraid not, brotha'."

Show suggests, "Well ok, then--you think you can do better?"

Tazz mentions matter-of-factly, "Well, yeah. In fact, I'd have Benoit totally destroy Evolution. I'd have them line up in a straight line in the ring and, one-by-one, I'd have them stretch they' arms out and let Benoit put them ALL in the crossface--Oh, and I'd be in the ring slamming their arms down on the mat, therefore effectively making them tap."

Show laughs a little, "...Gee, and here you thought MY plan was bad."

Tazz shrugs, "Well...yeah, it was."

Show starts, "But yours—"

Tazz admits, "--Ok, maybe mine WASN'T all that good, then."

* * *

(So as Show and Tazz continue up the highway for a spell, we'll join up with Rob and Lita again)

Lita nods, "Y'know Rob, before we get back to New York, I wanna' know where you get your weed."

RVD smiles, "Alright, alright...I'll hook you up, then."

"Cool!"

(There's a brief moment of silence as they continue up the road, until Lita just bursts out laughing...)

RVD glances over at Lita and asks, "What's so funny?"

"I was just thinkin', hahaha, back a few hours ago, when you said, haha, when you said that Booker T gets pissy when you call him M.C. Hammer!"

(Rob and Lita start laughing)

RVD smiles, "Oh yeah, that. Yeah, Book would get REAL mad when I'd jokingly call him M.C. Hammer. He'd be all like, 'Yo, sucka' you KNOW that ain't my name! Do I LOOK like some foo' named Hamma'?'"

(Rob and Lita just start cracking up)

Lita continues, "Yeah--Hey, has he ever come up to you reciting his five title reigns, and he loses count?"

RVD nods, "Yeah, he still does it once in a while. He'd be all like, 'I'm the 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time--Oh, how many is 'dat?' I'd be like, uuh...four. And this dummy would just continue and say "5-time" for one more time!"

(Lita and Rob just start laughing again.)

Lita says, "Damn, you know what? I'm gonna' go back and call him M.C. Hammer--y'know, justa' see what he says--and also how his face looks! Hahahahaa!"

"YEAH, he DOES have some funny facial expressions doesn't he?"

"Yeah, y'know me and Stacy LOVE watching his facial expressions--'matter of fact, he made a REALLY funny one when Molly called him Mr. T!"

(Rob and Lita just start laughing hysterically)

* * *

(We'll leave those two to their own thoughts and join up with Evolution...)

Batista asks, "Hey Randy, uuh, you and Jericho straighten that thing out?"

Cowboy Bob III asks, "What thing?"

Batista, motioning down to his crotch, asks, "You know, that thing?"

Cowboy Bob III smirks and says, "OH, OH, yeah!, THAT thing--yeah, we straightened it aaaall out! Yeah, you see, he gets Trish on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I get her on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

Batista thinks for a moment and asks, "Hey, what about Sundays?"

Cowboy Bob III answers, "Oh no, Trish said Sundays are for her therapy appointments."

Batista furrows his brow and says, "I didn't know Trish was in therapy? What's she in for?"

Cowboy Bob III says, "Yeah, well you DIDN'T hear this from me, but she said some nonsense about getting some self-esteem. Self-ESTEEM!? Ha, she's blabbing about self-esteem when she gets to blow my cock whenever she feels like it!? I mean, I get her her pushes, I-I talk to HHH for her--How d'you think she got that women's title when she wasn't even in CONTENTION for it when she GOT it!? Self-esteem my ASS! Hah!--I let her know that she can get all the self-esteem she wants, but if she expects t'have a future of ANY sort in WWE, she's gonna' CONTINUE to suck my cock on DEMAND!"

Batista nods his head, "Hey, you think I can get in on summa' that?"

Cowboy Bob III smirks, "Cha--Fuck YEAH! Just go up to Trish and ask if she can 'pencil you in'. Now, you HAVE to use those EXACT words. They are for Evolution use ONLY."

Batista smiles, "Cool, cool...thanks, man."

"Heh, no problem, no problem."

Batista asks, "Hey man, just curious--how did you find out about this whole ordeal with Trish? Is she, like, the ONLY one of the divas that does this?"

Cowboy Bob III answers, "Well, I first found out about it like, last year at Summerslam. Y'see I was going into the locker room and as I was going in, Trish was coming out. I noticed that ever-familiar opaque white substance kinda' on the side of her mouth. She just smiled and walked past. I went inside and saw champ pulling up his tights. He looked up, grinned at me and filled me in and I've been "in the loop" ever since."

"No shit?"

"None at all. In fact, champ gave me a brief history on this. It appears that this is, like, a years-old tradition dating back to my dad and Wendy Richter. Like, he told me that the last diva who did this regularly was Jackie, you know, black Jackie. But, she kinda' "passed the torch" to Trish--mainly because she got into some legal trouble with Tajiri."

Batista asks, "Tajiri? Well, why?"

Cowboy Bob III says, "Well, it turns out that Tajiri holds more power backstage than he lets on. You see, when you're blowjobbing all day like Jackie was, you could undoubtedly expect to run across some assholes--literally AND figuratively. Well, when encountered by an asshole main-eventer, she'd finish them off and then spray their, uh, FLUID, back into their faces."

"Ok, but how'd that get her into trouble with Tajiri?"

"Well, one time Tajiri was walking by as she was doing this to, uuuh...some guy named Ro-, uh yeah, Road Dogg. Well, Tajiri about lost it! He accused Jackie of gimmick infringement. You see, the argument was that HE had the GREEN mist and Jackie had used a WHITE mist. And, that just didn't fly with Tajiri. He told her that she will never blow another main-eventer as long as she's employed in WWE, then known as WWF. The next day, he told Vince, and, that was all she wrote for Jackie's blowjobbing career. So, she decided to 'pass the torch' to Trish."

"Ohhhhh, I see now!"

Cowboy Bob III continues, "So, yeah--just ask Trish the magic words, and, you'll be on the inside track faster than you can say 'money shot'. Oh--and if she tries to feed you any of that 'self-esteem, I'm a new woman' horseshit, just tell her to shut up and start suckin'!"

(At this, Evolution just start cracking up)

* * *

(Well, we'll leave them alone for a bit and go see Albert and Spike)

Spike, looking around the interior of the car, asks, "Hey Albert, I've been meaning to ask you, how did you get this car like this?"

"Like how?"

"All...hairy like this."

Albert explains, "Well, I'll have you know that his car is made entirely of back hair that was implanted into the sheet metal."

Spike frowns and asks, "Wha'?"

Albert answers, "Yeah, it's actually IMPORTED back hair."

"I see...imported?"

Albert nods, "Yup, imported. It was imported from Iceland. Y'see I have an uncle that lives in Iceland--my uncle EGGbert."

"Your uncle...EGGBERT?"

"Yeah, this is actually HIS back hair."

(Spike cringes and grimaces a little...)

Spike asks, "Well, how do you wash it? You know, how do you CARE for it? Do you go to a car wash like everybody else?"

Albert shakes his head, "No way!, I can NEVER take this car to a-a CAR WASH! That'd be crazy! No, no, what I do is I use SHAMPOO to clean the car."

Spike asks, "CAR shampoo? Or human hair shampoo?"

"Human, of course. I don't DARE use somethin' like Vidal Sassoon, or VO5, or White Rain. Nooooooo, THIS car takes Paul Mitchell ONLY!"

(Suddenly Spike's cellphone rings...)

Spike says, "Oops, just a sec. Er, hello?"

_Voice: Hi honey, how's my little Adrian doing? It's your baby-boy, Rocky._

Spike sighs and rolls his eyes, "C'mon Bradshaw, I know it's you. What do you want, huh?"

_Bradshaw: Now is that any way to greet your man? I just wanted to call you and remind you to bring me somethin' nice, y'hear?_

Spike asks, "But, why ME? Why not Kidman or-or Shannon Moore?"

_Bradshaw: I already CALLED them. Kidman ain't home and Shannon won't pick up--although I KNOW he's there. _

Spike sighs and starts, "Man, but WHY—"

_Bradshaw: (interrupting) SHUT UP! You're gonna' listen and you're gonna LIKE it! I want some goddamn flowers when you get back here! (calming down) Now, I'm gonna' call Scotty 2 Hotty and get him to come over and entertain me till you get back._

Spike could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He reluctantly asks, "Alright, damn...(mumbling) What kind of flowers?"

_Bradshaw: Well, you know I'm partial to roses, so bring me some--got it?_

Spike, still mumbling, asks, "A-Alright, alright..."

_Bradshaw: Good, then. I'll be waiting..._

Spike nods, "Ok, ok, ok."

_Bradshaw: (pauses a moment) Spike..._

Spike rolls his eyes, "Yeeessss?"

_Bradshaw: I love you_.

Spike, with angry but helpless tears forming in his eyes, doesn't give an immediate response.

_Bradshaw: TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BACK, BITCH!!! NOW!!!_

Spike, mumbling so as not to get heard by Albert, says, "..I-I love you."

_Bradshaw: I miss your touch._

Spike pleads, "Bradshaw PLEASE—"

_Bradshaw: (interrupting) TELL ME YOU MISS MY TOUCH, FUCKING TELL ME NOW OR IT WON'T BE PLEASANT WHEN YOU RETURN! NOW TELLLLL MEEEEEEE!_

Spike, hesitantly, with a tear rolling down his cheek, says, "I, (sniff) miss your touch..."

_Bradshaw: AND!?_

Spike continues, "...and I-I wish you were here w-with me."

_Bradshaw: Are you cryin'? ARE YOU FUCKING CRYING AGAIN!? SPIKE...SPIKE...SPIKE DUDLEY-BRADSHAW, IF YOU'RE CRYIN' SO HELP ME GOD!_

Spike sniffles, "...I-I'm (sniff) not c-crying."

_Bradshaw: YES you are! You ARE cryin' and I can tell. Yeaaaahh, Bradshaw knows..._

_Phone: --click--_

(Spike then turns off his phone and looks out the window so Albert can't see him crying.)

Albert smiles and asks, "Spike?"

Spike just sits still and sniffles.

"Spike?"

(Spike just slowly shakes his head)

"Spike? Man, get a grip. Bradshaw's only playin'!"

Spike still just continues to look out the passenger side window in silence.

Albert sighs, "Man, can't anybody take a joke anymore?"

(So, as Albert and Spike ride off into the sunset, we bid this here chapter adieu)

* * *

Wonder what'll happen next chapter? Will Trish ruin her chances at true diva-dom by utilizing the "white-mist" attack on all of the assholes she'll undoubtedly meet? Will Coach's famed dropkick be the next big finisher alongside such legendary finishers as the Rock-Bottom, the Diamond-Cutter, the Sharpshooter, the Choke-Slam, or the F-5? (Let's hope so, I'd LOVE to see someone like Taker have to lie down for a dropkick, hahaha!) Will the general public start mistaking Booker T for self-proclaimed "rap-legend" M.C. Hammer? Will Scotty 2 Hotty agree to yet ANOTHER game of "hide the wang" with Bradshaw? Will Bradshaw just decide to "invite", meaning FORCE, all the cruiserweights to come over to his ranch for another of his "Texas chainsaw slumber parties"? These and all other weird questions will be answered when you tune in next time, Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.

Please review, thanks!


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly.

(So with the legal bullshit out of the way, we continue on. The wrestlers have entered Florida and have just passed though Jacksonville on their way to Tampa...)

RVD pulls over and says, "Hey Lita, I think you should drive for a bit."

"Ok, cool. Switch seats with me."

(Rob and Lita get out and switch seats. Lita then drives off...)

"Hey Rob, where's this joint s'posed to be again? Is it here, or...?"

"Yeah, it's supposed to be Miami."

"Oh, so we got a ways to go, then?"

"Sure 'nuff, dude."

(So Rob and Lita drive on a little bit more when...)

Lita points out of the window, "Dude...check it out!"

"Where?"

"Across the street."

(They're stopped at a traffic light.)

RVD says, "Whoa, an Austin clinic!"

Lita says, "Yeah.--Ha, check out THAT chick over THERE!"

RVD looks across the street at this lady just spinning around in circles apparently trying to make herself dizzy. He smiles and says, "Hahaha, she'd better quit soon, she's gonna'..."

Lita's smiling as well, "Haha, gonna' what?"

RVD squints, trying to see if he recognizes the woman. He says, "Hey, Lita! That lady..!"

"What about her?"

RVD asks, "You don't recognize who that IS?"

Lita looks a bit closer and shakes her head, "Mmm...nope."

RVD points out, "That's JUSTIN CREDIBLE!"

Lita asks, "Justin CREDIBLE? But he's a MAN...sort of."

RVD reiterates, "No, no that's HIM--only it looks like he has a red wig on!"

(Rob and Lita continue to look on as some men in white uniforms with the word "what" in black lettering on the back, attempt to restrain Justin and...)

Lita says, "Dude, that IS Justin!"

RVD says, "Yeah...looks like they're, uuh...THROWING him in the back of a black pick-up truck that just has 'What?' on the side of it."

Lita shakes her head, "Dude, that's so sad."

RVD smirks, "Ha, li'l punk DESERVES it, if you ask me!"

Lita yells, "Rob!...(she hesitates a moment)--Fuck it, you're right, he WAS an asshole--him AND X-Pac!"

(Lita and Rob glance at each other and burst out laughing as the now red-headed Justin Credible is wheeled off, kicking and screaming in a straight jacket that has a picture of a flaming skull on it.)

* * *

(So we leave that sorry scene, and shift to a new'un, starring Evolu--what the?...)

Evolution is singing LOUDLY, and noticeably off-key, with H bobbing his head as he sings, "WIGGLE IT, JUST-A LI'L BIT, I WANNA' SEE YOU WIGGLE-IT, JUST-A LI'L BIT—"

Batista chimes in, "AS IT GROOVES!"

Evolution chants, "--WIGGLE-IT, JUST-A LI'L BIT, WANNA' SEE YOU WIGGLE-IT, JUST-A LI'L BIT—"

Batista, once again, "AS IT GROOVES!"

_Voice on radio: (talking very fast...)Ok, ok, Tampa areaaaaaa, that waaaaaassss "Wiggle it", a very popular dance song from the early 90's and now a staple at strip clubs EV'rywheeeeeerrrrre on this, the early 90's show on WDNCE, with me, your host with the MOST, mister 90's himself, DJ D-Lite!!! And now..by the artists with the same name as your's trulaaaay, with their 90's smash hit, "Groove is in the Heart"---here's Dee-Lite!!!_

HHH explains, "Y'know guys, I love this station! Every time I come down here, I always look for it! They ALWAYS play the songs that I like, y'know? None of that alternative crap they have elsewhere, or-or nothing by Shania Twain or-or ANY of the Judds, and best of all--no USHER!!! Gotta' love THAT!"

Batista nods, "Yeah man, I like this station, too. They always play those songs you like that no other radio station ever seems to play. I mean, back home, I'd send in a request to play a song that I want to hear and they seem to just "conveniently forget" my request! I HATE that bullshit, man!"

Flair speaks up, "Yeah, I know what you mean too. My home radio station seems to have a "knack" for playing the same songs OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER by the HOUR! Yeah, and-and-and when you try to change to another one of your favorite channels, THEY'RE playing either the SAME song or ANOTHER song that you don't feel like hearing! In fact, have any of you guys been in that "trap" that when your favorite station plays a bunch of crappy songs in a row, you go to change the channel to another of your favorite stations and, after going through this channel-surfing bit, you find that ALL the stations seem to be playing the SAME crappy songs and you have NO CHOICE but to either turn off the radio or just sit there and listen to that crappy song that they just INSIST on playing?"

Evolution nods and mumbles in agreement.

HHH smiles, "Yeah, but THIS station doesn't do that. This station is like, one-in-a-million, Y'know?"

Cowboy Bob III nods, "Yeah. Now, I gotta' admit, summa' these songs sound cool. SOME I remember, but there ARE some I don't remember--I guess it's just the age gap, or whatever, but still though--I AM feelin' this station, dude."

_Voice on Radio: (talking very fast...) Okokokok...this is DJ D-Lite comin' at-cha'. That was Dee-Lite with "Groove is in the Heart". Now, we'll hear a hit from the Hammerman himself! (making voices that are to resemble the beat of the song...) dunnn, da-da-da, da-da, da-da!...that's right, "Can't touch this" iiiizzzzz NEXT!!!_

(The song intro starts and...)

Evolution chants, "DAAA DADADA, DA-DA, DA-DA—"

HHH says, "Can't touch 'dis—"

Evolution, "DAAA DADADA, DA-DA, DA-DA—"

HHH, "Can't touch this—"

"DAAA DADADA, DA-DA, DA-DA—"

HHH starts, "Ma-ma-ma-ma MUSIC...KEEPS ME, SO HARD, MAKES ME SAY, OH MA' LAWD..."

* * *

(So as H continues his "rapping", we move on to Show and Tazz...)

Tazz smiles and says, "Hey, looks like we hit sunny Tampa, haha!"

Show replies, "Yeah, I live down here, y'know?"

"Yeah? Well, s'too bad we're just passin through. I'd ask ya' to show me around a little."

"Well, I would if we had time, my man. But, we gotta' be goin'."

Tazz nods, "Yeah."

(Show and Tazz drive for a little bit more until...)

Show approaches a traffic light as it's turning red. He pounds the steering wheel and says, "DAMN! I HATE this traffic light, it ALWAYS catches me!"

Tazz smiles, "Oh 'dat happens t'you too? Hah, up in Brookyn, EVERY light catches ME!"

Show explains, "Damn, it's like...like someone has a camera on MY car and just-just clicks a button to make the light turn red before I can pass through!"

(Suddenly, from seemingly out of nowhere, a group of prostitutes with heavy make-up on approach Shows "car")

Whore 1, with a southern accent, asks, "Haa, how ya'll doin?"

(Show and Tazz look at each other...)

Tazz replies, "We're alright."

Whore 2, with a feathered boa, like Hulk Hogan wears, only it's pink-ish, asks, "Would you boys like a little cump'ny?"

Show politely explains, "Oh-oh no, no that's alright."

Tazz adds, "Yeah, we're on kind of a time constraint."

Whore 3, with a southern accent AND who sounds suspiciously MALE, comes along, "Aww, that's too baad, we was gonna' really make you feel good toniight."

(Tazz and Show look at each other squinting, and then Show whispers to Tazz...)

Show says, "Tazz, I SWEAR...this ain't no woman right here! Whatta' you think?"

Tazz, whispering back and glancing at Whore number 3, says, "Yeah, you're right...definitely NOT a woman!"

(Tazz takes one good look at whore #3 in particular, who's waiting beside the "car")

Tazz whispers to Show, "As a matter of fact...that one standin' beside you looks familiar. Take a look."

(Show takes a good look, and whispers to Tazz...)

Show nods, "Y'know, now that I look a bit closer, that one looks like..."

(Tazz and Show stare at each other wide-eyed and mouth the name "Jeff" to each other before talking to the hooker again...)

Whore 3 asks, "Ya'll make up yer miinds yet?"

Show strokes his chin and asks, "Uhh, yeah...could you come a little closer please?"

Whore 3 leans a little closer and says, "Why shure, hun'!"

Show explains, "Well, I just wanted to say that I just think that you're REALLY...(Show snatches off the obvious-looking wig that the "girl" is wearing...) JEFF HARDY!"

Jeff says, "Damn, how'd you know it was me?"

Tazz says, "We recognized your face--the makeup doesn't hide your features that good, y'know?"

Jeff continues, "Well ennaways, you boys lookin fer a good tiime? Ah r'memba YOU, Big Show. Ah used t'look at ya' and ah wish'd ah could have ya'."

(Show just cringes)

Tazz cringes and asks, "Hey, uh...Jeff? You ALWAYS been dis' way, man?"

Jeff nods and says, "Yup, ah always been this way. Ah used t'love bein' in the lockaroom! Ah used ta' wish that HAN'SUM Bradshaw would come'n git a little piece a'dis here, but he was ALWAYS bizzy with those cruisa's."

Show, glancing at Tazz, then at Jeff, asks, "And you're HAPPY doing this?"

Jeff gently closes his eyes and says, "Ah'm-a tell you liike ah tell Matt. Ah ahm proud uv the lahfe ah lead and ah ahm ver' happe' with it. Now, if you boys'll excuuuuuse me, ah've got some payin' customa's t'deal with."

(Jeff picks up his wig and strolls off with his "co-workers". As he walks off, Tazz and Show just look at each other and shrug their shoulders as the light turns green and they finally drive off.)

* * *

(Well, I guess we can wrap this chapter up with a little Spike and Albert...)

Albert smiles and asks, "Eh Spike, you done cryin' yet? Hahaha!"

Spike, disgusted, retorts, "Man, that ain't funny! I'm a MAN, M-A-N! Bradshaw thinks he can just bully me into being a WOMAN?"

Albert explains, "He's only playin'!"

Spike angrily fires back, "What makes you so sure, huh? Is he playin' when he follows me in and OUT of the showers? Is he playin' when he steals my clothing and throws them in the women's locker room so that I'm FORCED to run around the arena NAKED while the women just stand by laughing and NOT letting me in to retrieve my clothes--hell, they won't even throw my clothes out in the hallway so I can put 'em on!!!--is he playin' THEN!? Or, better yet, is he playing when he gets in one of his "role-playing" moods?!--He's Rocky and I'm Adrian...My ASS!"

(Albert's just smiling and laughing as Spike's telling him all this...)

Albert laughs a little and adds, "Oh, I got one, I got one! How 'bout the time he forced you and Spanky to make out while he twirled his dick like a bullrope! AH-hahahahahahahaaaa!"

Spike asks, "You think this is hilarious, huh!? I try to go to the head offices to complain but they call me "chickenshit" and next thing I know, I'm on Heat for, like, a two-month stretch jobbing to random fans who just happen to be at ringside!"

(Albert can barely BREATHE, he's laughing so hard...)

Spike continues, "Oh-oh, the fun doesn't stop there, either! I go to the back and get absolutely NO respect! For instance, at last weeks house show, I came across Torrie, right? She was in the hall sitting on a bench. I asked her what time it was, and she acted as if she didn't hear me. I ask AGAIN...still no acknowledgement of ANY sort. I look around and make sure if we're the only two in the general area and I ask again--STILL no answer. I check my breath and ask again and she just...sits there! Suddenly, I see her boyfriend Batista walking toward us. I make a run for it, hiding in a metal crate as I hear Torrie ratting me out telling Batista that I was "talking to her"! Albert, I spent so long in hiding that I got to the point that I was slipping in and out of consciousness!!! This disrepect I get is RIDICULOUS!"

Albert is cracking UP and gasping for air, "OHHH--OHH, STOP IT--HEHEHEEEE, OH STOP, OH STOP--YOU'RE KILLIN' ME!"

(Spike just sighs and throws up his hands as Albert's lauging so hard he almost crashes into oncoming traffic...)

A driver in a passing car yells out, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOIN', ASSHOLE!"

(Well, THAT comment got Albert PISSED, that smile he had just disappeared into thin air as he pulled over and looked in his rear-view mirror...)

Spike asks, "What are you doing?"

Albert angrily says, "Hang on! (mumbles)...juuuust stop, juuussst stop, yeah...that's...IT!"

(Albert exits the car and runs up to the guy that swore at him. The guy's car is stopped at a traffic light. Albert pulls him out of his car and...)

Albert yells, "REMEMBER ME, YOU SONOFABITCH?"

The frightened and surprised driver yells, "--What the?"

(Albert has the guy by the neck and looks around for any cops. He doesn't see any so he gives the guy a baldo-bomb right on the hood of his car...)

Albert viciously asks, "How do you feel NOW, huh!? WHO'S THE ASSHOLE NOW, EH?"

(This guy is doing an AMAZING job of selling the baldo bomb as Albert runs back to his hairy car and floors the gas, heading off.)

* * *

So, what's going to happen next time? Will Justin Credible finally make himself dizzy enough to finally be "on the level", as he puts it? Will HHH make a more convincing M.C. Hammer than Booker T? Will Jeff Hardy finally get to nail Bradshaw? Will Spike actually get to the main-event level on Sunday Night Heat?--Or will he just be relegated to being a mid-carder on the show? Will the women wrestlers continue to hide Spike's clothing in their locker room and then threaten him with a sexual harrassment lawsuit if he tries to go get them? (Sorry, li'l fella--but, life's just not fair.)  
Well, these, and all other weird questions will be answered when you tune in next time--Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly.

(Ok, now our superstars FINALLY arrive in hot and beautiful Miami. It's night time now, and the night life is ON! But, for now, we'll join Evolution)

HHH smiles brightly and says, "Damn...Miami! I LOVE this place!"

Batista says, "Yeah, me too! I like lookin' at all the asses in string-bikinis!"

Cowboy Bob III agrees, "Yeah, same here dude!"

Flair yells, "Haha! WOOOOOOO!!! THE NAIT'CHA BOY, WOOOOOO, IZZ BACK, BABY! In sunny MIIIIIIAMI! Guys, we gonna' STYYYYLE AND, WOOOOO, PROFIIIILE!"

HHH answers, "Ha, damn straight! Hey guys, let's hit a club or two, eh?"

Evolution collectively cheer, "YEEAAAH!"

* * *

(So as H and the boys go looking for a good club, we'll join up with Tazz and Show)

Tazz points out, "Hey Show, looks like we finally hit Miami!"

Show, wide-eyed, says, "Yeah! Y'know I can barely keep my eyes on the road, man. It's like a...a FIELD of ASS out there!"

Tazz says, "Yeah, I know what ya' mean, brotha'!--Hey Show, get a load a' THAT chick!" (pointing to a woman with a rather ample posterior walking on the sidewalk across the street in a string bikini)

Show sees the girl and says, "Hot DAMN, look at that ASS!"

(Tazz and Show look at one another, then take another look at the girl)

Tazz smiles, "Now THAT'S booty, my man!"

Show, still looking, says, "Haha...yeah, yeeeeaaaah!"

Tazz, changing the subject, "Hey Show, you got that address Bisch gave us f'this place?"

Show is STILL looking at the girl and isn't paying attention.

"Show?"

Yup, Show is still looking.

Tazz waves his hand in front of Show to snap him out of it as he says, "Yo, SHOW!"

Show jumps a little, "Huh, wha?"

Tazz laughs a little and says, "Ya' day-dreamin' brotha'! haha--Yeah, do you have the ADDRESS of this place were s'posed t'be finding?"

Show says, "Oh--yeah yeah." (Show reaches above the sun visor and hands the paper to Tazz)

Tazz looks at the map and says, "Ok, we seem t'be ok on the map. Just a li'l ways to go."

* * *

(So Show and Tazz try their best to follow the map. But, now we'll rejoin Albert and Spike)

Albert smiles and says, "Yeah, Miami at last!" (Albert pulls the map from out of his tights) Let's see...damn, I can't read this map!

Spike asks, "Mind if I see it?"

(Albert hands Spike the map and...)

Spike says, "Well, the map is illegible, but the address is still pretty easy to understand, though."

Albert shrugs, "Well, looks like we're just gonna' hafta' ask for directions."

* * *

(Spike just shrugs as they continue on. And, we'll continue on, as well, with Rob and Lita...)

RVD pounds the dashboard and says, "Man, I KNEW we shouldn't have had that smoke break!"

Lita asks, "Well why's that?"

"Because I just have this weird feeling that we're behind everybody--even Evolution!"

"What makes you think that?"

"Possibly because it's night out and we're still in Tampa!"

Lita shakes her head, "Oh please, you worry too much. Besides, we FLEW down that highway--In fact, I bet we made that lost time up!"

RVD says, "I hope we did."

Lita adds, "Look, just chill, dude, we'll make it!"

(So as Rob and Lita speed their way through Tampa, we again join Evolution, who looks as if they've found a club...a STRIP club, that is!)

* * *

(Evolution and Hebner are all in the club, Orton's lounging on the couch having a martini, Batista's on the dance floor dancing with a couple of girls, H is in the corner putting himself over people as the annoying techno music blares in the background and the strobe lights are going, and Flair is in the back room with a couple women he bought drinks for...)

Flair, who's more than a bit tipsy right now, yells, "Whooo!--The nait'cha boy is most DEFINITELY in da' house! I mean, I'm in the HIZZOUSE! WOOOOO! "

Stripper 1 asks, "Hey Ric baby, how about a lap dance?"

Flair smiles and says, "Ooooh, you know it, sweet stuff!"

Stripper 2 asks, "Hey Naitch, how about I take the other lap?"

Flair, even through his double vision, says, "Sure baby, there's enough Naitch t'go around!"

(Flair's in a dark and very poorly-lit back room with a "personal waiter" who Flair keeps running to the bar to get more drinks.)

Flair yells, "Hey waiter, get me another Scotch, WOOOOO--I'm feelin' GOOOOD to-NITE!"

Stripper 3, who's behind Flair, suggests, "Hey baby, lemme' give you a back rub."

Flair, feeling the massage, sighs, "Ohhhhh-ohhhh, yesssss, yesssss, keep goin' baby girl--WOOOOO!"

(So this continues for about a couple more hours--H STILL putting himself over everyone in the club--yes even some of the strippers, Batista can't keep the ladies off of him--not that he'd WANT to, or anything, Orton's sitting at the bar talking to a few ladies and harvesting phone numbers from them. And now we rejoin our boy, Flair--who's pretty drunk right now...)

Flair, with a drink in his hand, a lampshade on his head, and dancing--if you can call it that, with about five strippers, yells, "WOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOO!!!! Who's-the-MAN, ladies?"

The Ladies reply, "Oh, YOU are, 'Naitch!"

Flair gulps his drink quickly and sends the waiter back to the bar, all the while yelling, "YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH, WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

(Suddenly, two MORE women come inside the room. Flair's vision is blurred at this point, and he can't quite see who they are, but, in HIS current condition, it doesn't really matter...)

Flair, truly in the party spirit, yells, "WOOOOOOO!, C'MON IN LADIES, C'MON IN!"

(The ladies dance their way over to Flair, who at this time, climbs up on a stage and the two women start dancing along the pole--like strippers while Flair is doing a fucked-up version of "the robot dance" in between them.)

(So, it's a couple more hours later, and Flair decides to leave with the two new women, after everyone else has cleared out of this back room...)

Flair, very tipsy, loudly says, "Ladies, LaaaaaaDEEZ!--WOOOOOOO, I'll tell ya' WHAT! Follow me back t'myyyyy hotel room!"

Lady 1 says, "Oooooh, I can't WAIT to get freaky!"

Lady 2 says, "I hope you can handle MY fire baby! I'll show you things you've NEVER seen before!"

(So Flair and his new companions head off to his hotel room. Meanwhile...)

Hebner asks, "All done, champ?"

HHH smiles and says, "Yeah, my work here is done. I'm 200 and 0 in this club. What can I say? I-I'm the man! Hehe. Now, let's round up the troops."

(H gets Evolution together and...)

Batista looks around and asks, "Hey, where's 'Naitch?"

Cowboy Bob III adds, "Yeah, I haven't seen him since we came in!"

HHH shrugs, "Well, he's a grown man. He knows his way back to the hotel, let's go."

(So Evolution head to their hotel and...)

HHH points out firmly, "Now THIS time, we get our OWN rooms! I don't want any more smelly happenings like last time!"

Orton nods, "Yeah, I hear ya' champ."

(So, they all head to their respective rooms, except Orton, who isn't paying attention to where he's going, accidentally inserts his card in the wrong door and it makes a loud buzzing noise. This noise alerts the occupants within...)

Cowboy Bob III furrows his brow and says, "Hey, my card isn't working—"

(Suddenly, the door flies open, and...)

Flair, obviously drunk and yelling with his eyes closed, "HEY, WHY DONT'CHA GO TO YOUR OWN—"

Cowboy Bob III, interrupting Ric, "NAITCH? What the HELL?"

Flair's eyes shoot open and he says, "Randy? What are you doing here?"

Cowboy Bob III nervously says, "I was, uuuh, just trying to get to my room. I-I guess I accidentally went to the wrong door. Ahehehe...hehe."

(Flair is standing out in the hallway with nothing on except a black leather sex mask--the kind with zippers over the mouth and eyes, a spiked dog collar, and a leather corset with dress socks and high-heels)

Flair, still under the influence, "Well, WOOOOOO, AS FOR ME, IIIIIII'M KINDA' BUSY!"

Cowboy Bob III, looking Flair up and down carefully, says, "I can sorta' see that..."

Moolah, peeking around the corner of the doorway, obviously topless and holding a pair of handcuffs, says, "Oh Ric, I don't think you've been punished quite enough."

Mae Young, dressed in a garter belt and crotchless panties while holding a dildo, says, "Yeah Ric, come on back in here and get some more of this--you've been very naughty y'know?"

Flair, still drunk as ever as he's being pulled back into the room, yells, "WOOOOOOOO, Randy I'll see you late—"(door slams shut and Randy can hear the words "SPREAD 'EM" a whipping noise, and then a loud "WOOOOO" faintly behind the door.)

(As Randy cringes at the mere THOUGHT of what's possibly going on behind those doors, he finds his room.)

Cowboy Bob III thinks aloud, "Man...I never thought ol' Naitch was a freak like that--but to be a freak with MAE and MOOLAH!? UUUGGGGHH!" (checks his pocket) Damn, I sure got a lotta' numbers tonight! Ah well, (picks up the remote and turns on the telly...) time t'watch a li'l porn!!

* * *

(I'm going to stop this chapter here for now. The next chapter will be a continuation, of course. So, no absurd questions at the end of this one...sorry!) But, you CAN tune in again--Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly.

(So, our superstars have now arrived in Miami, Evolution had a little fun with the nightlife, Rob and Lita are lagging behind due to the "smoke break" earlier--hehehe, Tazz and Show barhopped a little, as well as Spike and Albert--but Albert got himself and Spike booted out of the club. To make a long story short, Spike was at the bar and a BEAUTIFUL young woman approached him and they started talking. Well, one thing led to another and Spike was on his way back to the hotel with this woman. Little did Spike know, however, that this woman had an ex-boyfriend who didn't really believe that the relationship was over. So, he confronted Spike and was about to rip into him when Albert intercepted the guy and Baldo-Bombed him through the bar counter. The bouncers, about 9 strong "gently" escorted Spike and Albert out of the bar and "politely" told them to have a nice day. (hehehe), so with all that said, we'll now rejoin Evolution, the morning after)

(H's alarm clock goes off, it's 7 am...)

HHH hits the "off" button, and yawns as he walks over to his mirror and poses briefly. He says to himself, "Damn...now I'D pay to see ME in action, ha! I'll just hop in the shower and gather the guys so we can be on the road quickly."

(Meanwhile, in another room, we find Flair with his two companions. Everyone is sprawled out, empty vodka bottles and torn panty-hose are strewn all over the floor...)

Flair, who's just coming to and holding his forehead, says, "Ohhhh...my head!" ( He looks over next to himself at the woman laying beside him...) "AAAHHH!"

Mae looks over and yells, "AAAAGH!"

Moolah looks at Mae and Ric and yells, "AAAAUUUGH!"

(All three just look at each other screaming...)

Flair comes to a sobering realization and asks, "I-I...didn't. Did I?"

(Moolah and Mae just look at each other and then back at Flair nodding slowly...)

Flair's eyes widen and he says, "Oh my GOD!" He checks his watch and says, "I gotta get outta' here!"

Mae asks, "But what about the fun we had last night? You said you LOVED my bloodhounds!"

Flair, stupefied, asks, "I said WHAT?"

Moolah adds, "Yeah, you buried your face all in her chest last night in your, uh, drunken rage."

(Flair just looked dumbfounded at Mae, who at this point, was blushing like a schoolgirl with a crush.)

Flair asks, "A-are you...SERIOUS?"

Mae nods, "Yup, you were having soooo much fun just rubbing your face in between my, as you called them, my 'floppy, mis-shapen, fun jugs'!"

(Flair just looked at himself up and down as he tried to register all of these things and...)

Flair looks himself up and down and asks, "What the hell!? What am I doing in-in a LEATHER CORSET, A-A-A FRIGGIN' DOG COLLAR AND...HIGH-HEELS?"

Mae explains, "Well, you let me put them on you last night."

(Flair then just inhaled deeply and mustered what was left of his dignity and headed for the bathroom to shower and everything else. Meanwhile, in the lobby...)

HHH looks at his watch annoyed and asks, "Dammit, where's Flair?"

Batista shrugs, "I haven't seen him since before we went to the club last night."

Cowboy Bob III, shaking his head a little while smiling a bit, says, "Well, I-I, uh, ran into him last night."

HHH asks, "Where?"

Cowboy Bob III points upstairs and says, "Outside his room. Y'know, champ, I think I understand why he's running a little late."

HHH asks, "Well, why's that?"

Cowboy Bob III raises his eyebrows and begins, "Well, when I ran into him, he was—"

Suddenly from off in the distance, Flair yells, "GUYS, WAIT UP!"

HHH asks, "What took you so long?"

Flair, glancing at Orton, says, "I, uh kinda woke up a little late, champ. Sorry 'bout that."

HHH nods, "Cool, then. Well, that's everybody then, let's roll.

(Randy and Flair exchange glances quietly as Evolution head out the door)

* * *

(So now we'll join up with Rob and Lita, who have smartly decided to wake up at 5 am and just hit the road...)

Lita smiles and says, "Ok, we just hit Miami, Rob!"

RVD, who's asleep peacefully, "zzzzzzz…"

"Rob?"

"zzzzzzzz…"

Lita leans over to Rob's ear and yells, "ROB!"

(Rob jumps a little...)

RVD groggily answers, "Dude, WHAT?"

Lita answers, "We just hit Miami, we're almost there!"

RVD, going back to sleep, says, "Cool, lemme' know when we're there."

(Rob tries to go back to sleep, but Lita...)

Lita punches him in his shoulder and says, "No you don't, you're not gonna' have ME do all the driving and you just SLEEP for the rest of the trip! So you might as well just wake up and STAY up!"

RVD groggily relents, "Alriiight, alright, geez man!"

Lita says, "Alright, now pull out the map."

RVD rubs his eyes and says, "Ok, it says here that we're supposed to keep going straight a few miles yet."

Lita asks, "A FEW miles?"

"Yep."

Lita sighs, "Alright, then."

* * *

(We'll leave Rob and Lita alone for a while as they play catch-up. We'll go see Tazz and Show, as they've just finished having breakfast)

Tazz pulls out the map. He says, "Ok Show, it says that this place should be a few miles from here just off this stretch."

Show says, "Ok, cool. Let's roll, then."

(So Tazz and Show get in Show's hand-car and head on down the road when...)

Tazz frowns a little and asks, "Hey Show, what's that rumblin' noise?"

"What're you talking about?"

Tazz says, "No, no, listen..."

(Show turns off the radio and rolls down the window to get a good listen)

Show says, "Yeah, I hear it too. What IS that, anyway?"

Tazz sees the "check engine" light come on. He says, "Uh oh, betta' pull over."

(Show pulls over and puts the vehicle in park. As he does this, the vibration gets worse...)

Tazz yells, "Whoa!"

Show sighs, pops the hood and gets out of the car. He looks under the hood and says, "Damn, looks like the engine's smoking!"

Tazz asks, "What'll we do now? I can't fix it."

"Well, I guess we can hitch a ride?"

Tazz says, "Well, we're near a Taco Bell. Wanna' go, maybe call someone from there?"

"Cool."

(So Show and Tazz go down the street into the Taco Bell restaurant...)

The counter clerk says, "Hello, welcome to Taco Bell. My name's Jose. How may I help you?"

Show asks, "Uhh, yeah can I use the phone?"

The clerk answers, "Oh, uhh--you'd have to talk to our manager about that."

Tazz asks, "How come?"

the clerk says, "Well, he's very funny and particular about who can and cannot use the phone. You see this guy just got hired like, a couple weeks ago and he's not one for 'new' ideas, like letting the public use the phone, or having a phone out in the lobby. Oh, he also kicks out any gay customers. He says men who dress like women don't deserve to eat his food, or some shit like that."

(Tazz and Show just look at each other...)

Tazz raises an eyebrow and says, "He, uh, sounds like an interesting guy."

Show asks, "Well, where's he at?"

"Well, he's in the back somewhere--probably whacking off again. I'll go get'm, hang on."

(So Tazz and Show wait patiently until the manager comes out and...)

Show and Tazz immediately recognize the manager. They point and say, "YOU!"

Show asks, "THIS is where you went?"

Tazz adds, "WOW, so you run a Taco bell now, eh?"

Chavo Classic says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. I hear about it everyday from my wife. I couldn't get a job anywhere else. Everyone wanted me to put on a dress, for some reason. EVEN McDonald's!! This is the ONLY place I can find that'll give me some semblance of creative control!--EVEN IF it's only the menu, cholo!"

Show furrows his brow and says, "--The fuck? You have 'creative control' over the menu?"

Chavo Classic nods, "That's right, senor. In fact, I'm coming out with a new taco called "Chavo's Classic"! And It'll feature an all-new homemade recipe of Chavo's classic sauce!"

Tazz glances at Show and asks Chavo, "Whaddya' mean 'Chavo's classic sauce'?"

Chavo Classic shrugs, "Well, It's seemple. Customer orders my taco, and I go to my office, pull out a porno mag and then, a few meenutes later, I produce my special sauce all over their taco! MWAAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

(Tazz and Show just look at each other and cringe)

Show says, "Uh...ok. haha--hey, uhh, can I use your phone?"

Chavo Classic replies, "Sure senor, It'll be 50 cents, though."

Show sighs, and then hands Classic 50 cents. He says, "Hey Tazz, you remember Test's number?"

Tazz says, "Test? I didn't know he was nearby?"

Show nods, "Yeah, he lives about 20 minutes from here."

Tazz says, "Oh, cool. Yeah his number is 555-8102."

(Show dials the number and Test picks up...)

Show says, "Hey Test, how's it goin'?"

Show says, "Me? Well, that's the reason I'm callin', man. Me and Tazz are stranded at Taco bell—"

Show smiles, "Yeah, THAT one!"

Show asks, "Oh, so you know where it is, then? Ok Cool. we'll be here, thanks!"

(So Show hangs up the phone and hands it back to Chavo Classic)

Show turns to Tazz and says, "Ok Tazz, we got a few minutes t'kill, let's go back by the car."

* * *

(So as Show and Tazz make their way back to Show's broken-down hand-car still smoking beside the road, we rejoin Spike and Albert, as they are totally lost.)

Albert pounds the dashboard in frustration and says, "DAMMIT, why the hell can't I find this joint?"

Spike says, "Well, according to the map, it's supposed to be around this area."

Albert retorts, "I've circled this block four fuckin' times! It ain't here!"

Spike gingerly says, "Well, maybe we should ask for directions, then?"

Albert loudly says, "Hey Spike, I just had a BRILLIANT idea!"

"What's that?"

Albert smiles and says, "We'll just ask for directions!"

(Spike just sighs and glances upward)

(Albert finds a 7-11 and walks inside...)

Albert, looking around, asks, "Why ain't there nobody at the counter?"

Spike shrugs, "Maybe we should just wait here—"

Albert cuts him off, "--BULLSHIT! We ain't waitin' on nobody! HELLO, YOU GOT CUSTOMERS OUT HERE! HELLOO!"

A voice from the back answers, "Alright, alright, I hear you, just gimme' a minute!"

(Albert glances at Spike)

The clerk comes out wiping his hands as he approaches the counter. He says, "Ok sir, how may I hel--HEY, don't I know you two?"

(Albert and Spike glance at each other, then at the clerk and...)

Albert, trying to recognize the clerk, says, "I think I DO know you. You look familiar."

Spike adds, "Yeah, you DO look familiar. HEY, I know EXACTLY who you are! You're—"

Then Albert and Spike say in unison, "TIGER ALI SINGH!"

Tiger smiles and asks, "Yeah, what brings you two down this way?"

Albert says, "Well, Vince sent us down here on this retarded-assed mission to—"

Tiger interrupts, "Wait, don't tell me he's STILL doing the beer and porn runs!? Hahaha, man he never quits, does he?"

Albert shrugs, "Nope, apparently not. So you work here now?"

Tiger nods and says, "Well, sort of. I run a string of 7-11's, er, five of them, this, of course being one of them!"

Spike raises an eyebrow and says, "Hmm, well you're faring better than some of the people we've come across!"

Tiger asks, "Oh?"

Albert says, "Yeah, you remember, uh, Bagwell and Schiavone?"

Tiger strokes his chin and says, "Hmm, I definitely remember Bags, but Schiavone--Oh was he that annoying fat guy that used to announce for Nitro?"

Albert nods, "Yup, the very same."

Tiger says, "Yeah, well what happened to them?"

Albert smirks, "They both work at a KFC up in North Carolina. And, get THIS, they're both self-proclaimed career men with KFC! Do you BELIEVE that shit!? OH, oh, and Bags had this lame-assed slogan--what was it? --oh yeah, it was 'KFC is the ONNNNLY way to be'. Tiger, ever since I heard that, I-I just couldn't stop laughing!"

(All three men just bust out laughing)

Spike, starting to calm a little, asks, "Hey, Tiger, reason we came by is that we were wondering if you knew the way to this special shop that Vince is talkin' about?"

Tiger nods, "Oh yeah, that joint? Well, you leave here and hang a right. Then you..."

* * *

(So while Albert and Spike are getting directions, let's join up with Show and Tazz again as Test is just pulling up...)

Show points, "Hey Tazz, here comes Test!"

Tazz looks at Test's "car". He says, "Yeah, figures that'd be him."

(Test pulls up in a big black wrestling boot with wheels on the bottom. It looks like a giant wrestling boot roller-skate)

Show says, "Hey man, thanks for pickin' us up on such short notice."

Tazz adds, "Yeah man. We're on the beer and porn run, y'know?"

Test furrows his brow and says, "Huh, no one even TOLD me about it! I gotta' call Vince and find out what's up later on. So, you two know where this place is?"

Tazz says, "Well, according to the map, it's supposed to be just off this here stretch a few miles up the road."

Test nods and says, "Ok, hop in, we'll be there in no time. But, uuh, Show?"

Show asks, "Wassup' man?"

"Before I take you two, I want in on the prize if we win."

"Ok with me, how 'bout you, Tazz?"

"Cool with me, brotha', let's go."

(So Show, Tazz, and now Test, head on up the road to where this place is supposed to be. And, so this ends another chapter.)

* * *

So, will Flair's "freaky-deeky" side catch up with him? Will RVD and Lita EVER catch up to everybody else? How will the road crew tow away Big Show's hand-car? How long will Chavo Classic continue to get away with feeding customers his "special sauce"? Who'd of thought that, the human heat vacuum himself, Tiger Ali-Singh, would be running a 7-11 in Miami? (hehehe) Will Flair choose to reminisce about Mae Young's "bloodhounds", then again, will YOU, the reader? (NOW try eating tonight, ahehehe!) And, most importantly, will Vince get his porn before the effects of his Viagra wear off? These, and all other absurd questions will be answered when you tune in next time--Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly.

(Ok, so our superstars have spent a night in Miami. We left off with Test having to give Tazz and Show a lift to the shop, which is supposed to be relatively close. However, we'll now join Evolution in their quest to reach the shop.)

(Orton and Flair are in the back seat, Batista and H are in the front seat, and Hebner is in the trunk.)

Cowboy Bob III, whispering and smirking, says, "Hey slick Ric, you KNEW I was gonna' ask you this. But, what were you doing with Moolah and Mae last night?"

Flair, whispering, "Y'know, to tell you the truth, I-I don't remember. I was totally BLASTED last night, my man."

Cowboy Bob III asks, "Yeah?"

Flair nods, "Yup. TOTALLY blasted. I woke up and Mae was on one side of me and Moolah was on the other side. And me? I found myself with this dog collar around my neck and I was wearing what was left of, I guess, a leather corset. OH, and I also found myself wearing high-heels!"

Cowboy Bob III starts laughing, "So, haha, I'm to just assume you had a good time, then?"

Flair says, "Look, this converstion doesn't leave the two of us, and it stays here in Miami. Got it?"

(Randy starts to laugh rather audibly)

HHH asks, "Hey, what's so funny back there?"

Batista adds, "Yeah, I'm hearing all this whispering and giggling. What's so funny? I wanna' laugh, too!"

Cowboy Bob III, still laughing, but barely able to compose himself, "It-It's nothing, haha, really!"

HHH says, "If it's nothing, then c'mon dude, share!"

(Flair is in the back seat blushing from embarrassment, a la Charlie Brown)

Cowboy Bob III pleads, "No, no REALLY, It's not important!---Bwahahahaaa!"

(Flair just calmly turns to Randy, who's cracking up right now)

Flair says in a low-toned voice, "You think this is hilarious, huh?"

HHH asks, "What's hilarious?"

Cowboy Bob III, trying to calm down, "Ric, please, PLEEEEASE...can I, hahahaaa, tell'm?"

Flair sighs, "You probably wouldn't have kept it a secret, anyways, huh?"

(Orton just shakes his head while smiling)

Flair relents, "Alright, alright, alright...go ahead, then!"

HHH smiles, "Wha?"

Cowboy Bob III explains, "Well champ, you know how Naitch was late meeting us this morning, right? And how we didn't see him all night?"

HHH smiles, "Yeah, go on!"

Cowboy Bob III continues, "Well last night, when we got in, I accidentally put my key card in the wrong door. It made, like, this loud buzzing sound, right? And next thing I knew, here came Naitch storming out in the hallway screaming and yelling! But, that wasn't the funny part, though."

Batista, smiling a little, says, "Yeah, go ahead."

Cowboy Bob III says, "The FUNNY part was what ol' Naitch was DRESSED in! Do you know this man had on some high-heeled shoes with a leather corset and he was wearing one of those leather sex-slave masks--you know, the kind with the zippers over the eyes and the mouth?"

(Evolution just bust out laughing at poor Naitch)

Flair, amidst all the laughter, says, "Sure, sure--get it AAALLLLL out now!! Just go ahead and get it AAALLLL out!"

Cowboy Bob III--yup...still laughing and trying to explain at the same time, "Oh-oh, but wait guys, wait. Ohoooohoooo! But the ride doesn't stop there!"

Batista asks, "Hahahaaa, wait, wait, you mean there's MORE?"

Cowboy Bob III nods, "Yeah, I-I'm afraid so, haha!"

HHH laughs, "Oh, ahahaaaa, oh god oh god!"

Cowboy Bob III says, "Well, just when I thought I'd seen it all, all of a sudden, from behind the doorway appear a-a TOPLESS Mae Young AND Moolah!"

(Evolution just start laughing even harder than before, while Flair right now just wants to crawl in the trunk with Hebner.)

HHH, in tears from laughter, says, "'Eh Naitch, hahahaa, I-I guess when you told me you like mature women, you weren't kiddin'! BWAHAHAHAAAA!"

(Once again, Evolution is just whooping it up at ol' Naitch's expense)

Flair rolls his eyes and says, "Oh please, you guys! You all act like YOU'VE never done anything silly from bein' drunk! I didn't do this rationally, I was DRUNK!"

Batista scoffs, "Yeah, yeah--haha, we hear ya' Naitch!"

HHH says, "Good GOD, man! Not just Mae Young, which in ITSELF oughta' be a crime, but fuckin' MOOLAH, too!!!? And-and she was TOPLESS at that!!? Boy oh boy, Naitch, when you do something, or someONE-haha, you REALLY do it! I gotta' hand it to ya' my man, from farting to drinking, NO one does it QUITE like you!"

(Evolution just start laughing again)

Flair smiles a little, "Alright, ALRIGHT...you guys finished yet?"

Batista, still laughing a little, says, "Nope".

* * *

(Once again, Evolution's laughing at ol' Naitch. So let's give them a chance to recover and, in the meantime, we'll join up with Spike and Albert)

Albert, looking at the map he just snatched away from Spike, says to himself, "Ok...let's seeeee, AHA! It's supposed to be up this road a piece!"

(So Albert and Spike travel up the road a few miles, and reach the shop. The only problem was...)

Albert smiles and says, "Well, here's the place--Well I'll be damned! The NAME of this joint is LITERALLY 'The Beer and Porn EmPORNium', ha!"

Spike points out, "Hey look, a slogan! It says "We always have the latest issues, and the beer has a special taste", hm--whatever."

Albert looks in another section of the admittedly crowded parking lot. He says, "HEY, a big boot--that means TEST, TEST musta' beat us here! C'mon, we gotta' get movin'!"

* * *

(So Albert and Spike run up to the store and enter, just behind them are RVD and Lita--looks like they made it, huh?)

RVD says, "Yo Lita, we gotta find the right rack before the rest of 'em do!"

Lita replies, "Ok, let's split up. I heard that there are like, 15 aisles of porn in here, not to mention, like a bazillion coolers full of beer!"

RVD says, "Well, we just gotta' do what we gotta' do! Oh-Lita, If one finds the stuff before the other, we'll page over the intercom, uuhhh, we'll tell'm to page Sylvia McNuggets if I find them first, and if YOU find 'em first, you page for uhhh, let-let's go with , uhhh, Bazooka Joe!"

Lita furrows her brow and asks, "Sylvia McNuggets? Bazooka Joe?"

(RVD just shrugs)

Lita shakes her head, "Well, if you say so."

RVD stresses, "You GOTTA' remember your name!"

Lita, walking away, says, "Alright, alright, I got it!"

* * *

(Suddenly, Evolution enter through the doors...)

HHH points and says, "Ok Orton, you take ailes one through five. Batista, ailes six through 11. Flair, you get the beer and I'll take ailes 12 through 15. If any of you find the magazine before the others, find Flair in the beer department. Ok, now let's do it!"

* * *

(So Evolution disperse throughout the store hurriedly. Meanwhile Tazz, Show, and Test seem to be getting warmer...)

Tazz looks around and says, "Man I ain't never seen so much porn in my LIFE!"

Show looking around as well, "Cha--you're right about that!"

Test smiles and says, "Yeah, this store helped me through some tough times, man. I mean, when I was main-eventing on friggin' HEAT, when the writers "just couldn't find anything for me", and when Stacy just wasn't puttin' out!"

(Tazz and Show just glance at each other and shrug.)

* * *

RVD, whispering excitedly to himself, "Ahaha!, I found it! Now I gotta get the beer!"

(So Rob slides the magazine in his tights as to not draw attention to himself because he sees all the other competitors around him, then he makes his way to the beer department)

Lita, frustrated, says, "Damn! Where the hell IS this magaz--Whoa! What have we here? Hmm...'Freaky Animal Desires'?"

(Lita looks around carefully and cautiously opens up the book...)

Lita smiles and says, "Whoa...dude! (smiling and strangely...aroused) So THAT'S what a donkey's thingie looks like? Wow! (looks around again before turning the page)I wonder what that girl's...(whispering passionately to herself) Whoa, watch out donkey! Beastiality Bonnie's gonna' spank you--she's gonna' spank you goooood!"

(Suddenly Rob comes up on her...)

RVD runs up and says, "Hey Lita!"

Lita jumps and hurriedly throws the magazine back on the rack. She says, "Oh, did you, uh, find it?"

RVD says, "Yeah, I found--(looks at the magazine that just fell on the floor and looks again at Lita, who's blushing) Oh, I see YOU found something too, huh? HAHAAA!"

Lita, with a beet-red face, says, "It-It's not FUNNY!"

RVD smiles and says, "We'll talk about that later, but for now, let's get outta here! You go start the car, and I'll go to the register!"

"Got'cha!"

* * *

(So as Rob heads to the register, which is about 9 deep, we now move to Batista)

Batista smiles proudly and says, "Aha! I found it! Now I gotta' meet Flair!"

(So Batista folds the magazine and tucks it under his arm as he makes his way to Flair, who STILL hasn't found the beer)

Batista says, "Hey Naitch, I got the magazine!"

Flair says, "Good, good now help me find this beer, what is it? That's right--Budweiser!"

Batista nods, "Yeah, a forty of it."

* * *

(So as Batista and Flair route through the beers, we'll see how Tazz, Show, and Test are faring)

Test sighs and says, "Man, we ain't never gonna' find--Hey, WAIT a minute, I think I found it!"

(Show and Tazz lean over)

Show says, "Yep, that's it, let's go!"

Test says, "Ok Show, go check this out, I ain't got no money!"

Show shrugs, "Well, okay then."

Test says, "C'mon Tazz, we'll wait in the car!"

(Gee, I wonder how Albert and Spike are doing? Notice how Show and company forgot the beer?)

* * *

Albert points out, "Hey, I found it! Hey Spike, I found it! See?"

Spike nods, "Yep, that's it! Ok, let's go get the beer!"

(So Albert and Spike go to the beer department and start looking when Spike bumps into Flair...)

Flair, startled, says, "What the--HEY!"

Spike says, "Why don't you watch where you're goin' old man?"

Flair, angered, strikes back, "Old man!? How'd you like it if I gave you some knuckles to the nose, bigmouth!"

"Oh yeah, BRING IT!"

(This squabble gets the attention of Batista and Albert and they come running over trying to break it up)

Batista, trying to pull Ric away, says, "Hey Naitch, cut it out, man! We gotta' get goin'!"

Albert adds, "Yeah Spike, I found the beer, now let's go!"

* * *

(So as this Struggle continues, RVD is currently getting checked out at the register, as is Show, only he's in another check-out lane constantly glancing at RVD to gauge where he is in line.)

Show, mumbling to himself, says, "C'MON, hurry uuuuup!"

(Now Show's the next in line, just behind this old lady, who proceeds to start WRITING A CHECK)

Show, kind of loudly, says, "NOOOO, you CAN'T write a check NOW!"

The old lady says, "Please, be patient sonny. I'll ONLY be a minute."

Show, dancing around like he has to go to the bathroom, pleads, "PLEEEASE hurry, please!"

The old lady turns around and says, "Now look here, sonny--OH my JESUS! You're Big Show!"

Show recognizes the old lady and says, "HEY, you're MAE YOUNG! What in the HELL are YOU doin' here?"

Mae explains, "Well, I'm buyin' some beer n' porn so me an' Moolah can get our watch on later tonight!"

Show cringes and says, "Well...ok, just could you PLEEEEASE hurry?"

Mae nods, "Why sure, young man."

(Meanwhile Rob just gets finished being checked out and runs out the door laughing)

Mae asks the cashier, "Well, how much do I owe ya'?"

"Yeah, that'll beeeee, uuuhhh, 25 dollars and 60 cents."

Mae asks, "HOW much?"

"25.60"

Mae asks, "Well, how much was the whip?"

"That was, uh, 12 dollars."

(Show just sighs heavily as this interaction is happening in front of him)

Show cuts in, "Excuse me, but may I please be checked out ahead, I'm really in a hurry!"

The clerk shrugs and says, "Sorry man, I can't. I'd have to clear all her stuff out of the system before I could ring you up."

Show pouts, "Awww man, this is bullshit!"

Clerk says, "Sorry dude, can't help ya'."

Mae asks, "May I have a price-check on the motion lotion please?"

The cashier leans into the microphone and asks over the loudspeaker, "Price check on motion lotion..."

(Meanwhile, Spike and Flair race up to the lines as they have now finally purchased their beer and porn. But, Rob and Lita are now exiting the parking lot.)

(The suspense is building, Rob and Lita are currently leading, while Show is stuck in line behind a very freaky, check-writing Mae Young.)

* * *

Gee, what'll happen next chapter? Will Show STILL be stuck in line behind Mae? Will Lita's new-found fascination with beastiality porn give her any ideas to "spice up" her and Matt's sex life? Or will she insist Matt dress up like a donkey when coming to bed, therefore destroying his sexual life so that it matches his career? Will Evolution FINALLY let Hebner out of the trunk and replace him with Flair, so that FLAIR would then be in the trunk? These and all other absurd questions will be answered when you tune in next time--Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own anything!

(So when we left last time, Rob and Lita successfully purchased the beer and porn and sca-daddled out of the parking lot while Show was stuck behind Mae in the checkout counter. We rejoin Rob and Lita, as they're on the road)

RVD, grinning widely, says, "YEAH YEAH, that's RIGHT, we're in the lead! And to think, we didn't think we'd EVER catch up with the others!"

Lita agrees, "Yeah man, that shit IS sweet! Hahaha, hey did you see any of the others as you were checking-out?"

RVD says, "Yeah, I saw Big Show. But, haha, he got stuck behind ol' Mae Young as she started writing a check!"

"No shit?"

"That's right, babe! Show FLIPPED when he saw that old lady pulling out her checkbook! Oh, and she wanted a price-check, as well, haha!"

(Rob and Lita just start laughing)

Lita says, "Oh DAAAMN! I'd a' loved to see the expression on his face! hahaha!"

RVD smiles, "Yeah, I just started laughing when I saw it. Then I got finished first and ran out the store laughing! Hell, last time I saw Show, he was rolling his eyes and pouting!"

(Rob and Lita just start laughing again)

RVD, calming down a bit, says, "Oooooookaaaay, Lita!"

"What's up?"

RVD glances over at Lita and says, "You KNEW I was gonna' ask you this, you know, about that magazine..."

Lita starts blushing. She covers her cheeks and says, "Oh GOD! Heheheheheeeeee!"

RVD nods and says, "YEAH, I wanna' know about that MAGAZINE you had!"

Lita says, "Ok, OKAY--It just...FASCINATED me!"

"It FASCINATED you?"

"Well...yeah, y'know?"

"Haha! Ok, explain!"

Lita sighs and says, "Geez, you're as bad as Matt! Ok, OK I-It seemed like an interesting read, s'all!"

"What's wrong? Doesn't Matt, like, satisfy you?"

"Of COURSE he does!--It's not THAT, but..."

RVD smiles and asks, "But what?"

"Well, you GOTTA' promise you'll keep this between YOU and ME, OK?"

"Ok, haha--I promise—"

"For real, do you promise?"

"Alright, dude--YEAH I promise!"

Lita hesitates a moment and says, "Well...I've been kinda looking for a way to, y'know, kinda' spice up me and Matt's sex life."

RVD asks, "You whaaaaaat? What, if I may ask, did you intend to do about it?"

"I was gonna' tell you. Well, I have a Doberman named Bruno and—"

RVD, with his eyes closed and his hands over his ears, says, "NOOOO, NO , NO--DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD!!! DAMN, I-I'M SORRY I EVEN ASKED!"

Lita shrugs and says, "Well, you just HAD to know!"

"Trust me, I've learned my lesson! Next time someone doesn't wanna' tell me something, I'll just shut up about it!"

(Lita just starts cracking up, as Rob just smiles and shakes his head.)

* * *

(So, while those two celebrate their little victory, we'll join Evolution--who's still in the parking lot...)

HHH is sitting out in the car(s), looking at the doors of the store, wondering when the guys are coming. He mumbles to himself, "Dammit, what the hell is taking these guys so LONG?"

(The doors of the store slide open and out comes the rest of Evolution, with Batista holding the beer and the magazine in a plastic bag)

Batista runs toward the car, "Ok champ, we got 'em!"

HHH hurriedly says, "Ok ok, just get in! Albert and Spike are pulling off over there!"

(So the Evolution boys all pile in as Trips drives off hurriedly, while Orton's legs are still dangling out of the back-seat window)

Cowboy Bob III runs up toward the car(s) yelling, "Hey, uugh, guys, could someone give me a HAND here, I'm STUCK in this, aarrgh, WINDOW!"

(So Flair and Batista try to pull Orton inside as Trips is making double-time on the road)

HHH yells, "Hey guys!, GUYS! Stop, let me roll down this window here!"

(It's/they're an automatic car(s), so H rolls down the rear passenger-side window and Orton's finally able to slide in, rather than just dangling outside)

HHH asks, "You in, Orton?"

"Yeah--ow!, I'm in!"

(As Orton tries to gain his positioning, Flair, Batista, and H all have a good laugh)

Cowboy Bob III says, "Aaah, quit laughin', ain't nothin' funny!"

Flair wiggles his eyebrows and says, "Hahaha, Wooooo! Consider us even, big boy!"

(Evolution just laughs as Orton just smirks, nodding his head.)

* * *

(So, now we'll see what Tazz, Show and Test are up to)

Test says, "Damn Show, glad you FINALLY got outta' that joint!"

Tazz adds, "Yeah brotha', I was wondering what was keepin' ya'!"

Show explains, "You believe I got stuck in line behind Mae Young!? Mae friggin' YOUNG!"

(Tazz and Test just start laughing)

Show continues, "Oh-Oh but that's not the WORST part, though! The WORST part was that she decided to fucking WRITE A CHECK!!! Hell, and THEN, THEN she asked for a goddamn PRICE CHECK!"

Tazz laughs a little and says, "Haha, c'mon Show, c'mon! We'll catch up with everybody else!"

Test says, "Yeah, My car has a built-in turbo boost! HaHA!"

Tazz and Show ask, "TURBO BOOST?"

"Yeah, a turbo boost! Had it installed last month! When we hit the open road, er--highway, I'll demonstrate it!"

Show nods and says, "Hm...cool."

Test smiles, "Ha! Damn STRAIGHT! Oh, but the, uh problem is is that it only lasts for like, about three minutes."

(Show and Tazz look at each other and...)

Show and Tazz yell together, "DID SOMEBODY SAY, 'THREE MINUTES'?"

(All three hesitate a second, then break out laughing)

Tazz says, "Hey guys, It's kinda funny what happened to those two, y'know, Jamal and Rosie!"

Show says, "Yeah, haha, it's REAL funny that their careers only lasted THREE MINUTES!!! AAAhahahaaaa!"

Test chimes in, "Yeah--hey guys, as a matter of fact, I actually SAW Jamal the other day."

Show asks, "Oh yeah, where?"

Test says, "Yeah I saw him pushing, like, a bunch of carts up to the grocery store!"

(So, yeah all three guys have a good, hearty laugh)

Test smiles and says, "Hahaha, yeah, y'know when I was checking out, he tried to get me to talk to Vince about rehiring him so that he can live like a human being again."

Show glances at Tazz, smirking. He asks, "Hey, did he promise you a push if he gets rehired?"

Test thinks for a moment and says, "Hey--YEAH, he DID! How'd you know that?"

Show smirks and says, "Well, we had an encounter with X-Pac back up North--Pennsylvania, I think."

Test asks, "Hey, so that li'l runt's STILL runnin' around, huh?"

Tazz shrigs, "Well, he SAID that him and Chyner are, uh, s'posed to be gettin' back togetha'"

Show corrects him, "That's ChynA."

Tazz smiles and says, "S'what I SAID--Chyner."

Show shrugs, "Nevermind."

* * *

(We'll leave them alone for a bit and join up with Albert and Spike--who seemingly have been caught by Evolution)

Spike, glancing out of the rear-view mirror, says, "Hey, Evolution's caught us!"

Albert asks, "How do you know It's them?"

Spike explains, "Well, H MUST be driving, because their car looks like one car stacked on top of another!"

Albert rolls his eyes and says, "Yep, that's them, then! Looks like we gotta' speed up!"

(So Albert speeds up and Evolution pulls along side of them. Flair's window is beside Spike's...)

Flair yells out of his window at Spike, "HEY PUNK, ME AND YOU IN A MATCH WHEN WE GET BACK! CHAMP SAID I GET TO SQUASH YOU, HAHAHA--WOOOOOOO!"

Spike yells back, "OH, YEAH? WELL WHAT IF I JUST DON'T SHOW UP!? WHAT'RE YOU GONNA' DO, THEN? 16-TIME CHUMP!"

Flair's face is visibly red with anger. He yells, "LOOK HERE YOU PUNK KID, I'VE BEEN WRESTLIN' SINCE YOU WERE IN FUCKING DIAPERS! I HAVE LEAR JETS, WOMEN, MANSIONS, AND CARS--AND I'M THE BEST THING GOIN' TO-DAY, WOOOOOO!"

(Spike just glances at Albert, who shrugs his shoulders and says...)

Albert smirks and asks Spike, "What're you gonna' say back?"

Spike leans back out the window to an awaiting Flair. He yells, "AAAH, SHUT UP!"

"WHAT, WHAT--YOU DARE TELL ME TO SHUT UP, WHY I'LL—"(Flair begins to stretch his hands outside as if he's trying to get to Spike when...)

"AAAAAGH, AAAAAAAAAGHH, HEEEEEEEELP, HE-HEEEEELP!" (Flair is bent halfway outside the window dangling in the wind as H is yelling for somebody to help pull naitch back in.)

(Orton finally manages to pull Flair back in as Spike and Albert are just in their car laughing.)

Spike yells, "AAAAHHAAAAAA, AAAAHAAAA, NOW SEE THAT FLAIR? THAT'S WHAT'YA GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE SPIKESTER!"

Albert furrows his brow and smiles as he asks, "What the HELL? --The SPIKESTER?"

(Spike just shrugs his shoulders as Flair yells back...)

Flair yells, "WHO'S THE 16-TIME CHAMP, PAL? ME!--THAT'S WHO! AND WHEN WE GET BACK, YOU'RE GONNA' REGRET THE DAY YOU CROSSED THE NAIT'CHA BOY, WOOOOOOO!"

Spike yells back, "NYAAAAAAAH, SHADDUP! BEFORE I TAKE A NEEDLE AND DEFLATE YOUR MANBOOBS!--DOLLY PARTON!"

(At this comment H almost loses control of the car as he's laughing so hard. Matter of factly, ALL of Evolution's laughing hard--except Flair, of course...)

Flair, infuriated by that remark, "WHY YOU DIRTY, LITTLE—"

Spike talks over Flair—which REALLY pisses Flair off, "YEEEEEAH YEEEEAAAAH, BLAAAAA, BLAAAAAA, BLAAAAAAA, BLAAAAAAAA, HAHAHAAA!"

(Flair is squirming in his seat trying desperately to jump out at Spike as Evolution has calmed down a little and it's now taking Orton AND Batista to hold Flair back as Albert and Spike start to pull away.)

Albert laughs and says, "Haha, y'know Spike? Flair's SO gonna' kill you, man. What're you gonna' do?"

Spike says, "I don't know, to be honest. But, I DO know this..."

"What?"

"I know that I'll go over Flair. I mean, think about it. When's the last time you seen him win a match? They don't let him win anymore, his singles matches have been reduced to putting over CRUISERWEIGHTS, and frankly, I fit that VERY description!"

Albert calmly says, "Spike..."

"What?"

"Get your head outta' your ass."

"Whadd'you mean?"

Albert explains, "Flair's a direct bridge to H, which means that if you piss FLAIR off, you may not even have a JOB when Evolution gets through with you. Think about it, our so-called CREATIVE team LOVES doing things like pitting a guy against an Evolution member and then having Evolution beat the holy HELL outta' the guy, then having him sink deeper and deeper down the card till the only place he can even WRESTLE is on Velocity! Hell Spike, some of the cruisers even have had to take other part-time jobs just to make ends meet. Take a look at Kidman--ain't seen him in a while, have you?"

Spike thinks for a moment and replies, "No, I haven't...Matter of fact, I called him the other week and it said his number's disconnected."

Albert nods, "See, my point exactly! He works part-time just so he can get his phone bill paid on time, for once."

"Well, where does he work?"

"Well, he works at the corner of 5th and Bradley back up north."

"What does he do?"

"Well he's one of those guys that, when you're stopped at the traffic light, he comes up and squeegies your windshield for a dollar."

Spike, staring blankly out the window, just replies, "...wow"

Albert smiles a little and says, "Yeah, so you might wanna' watch your p's and q's around Evolution--even if it IS only Flair."

Spike says, "Yeah, but I ain't goin' out like that! In fact, I'm gonna' start getting the respect I deserve! and old man Flair's gonna' be my first example!"

"Ha, if you say so then."

* * *

--And so ends another chapter. So, will Spike REALLY get the respect he wants? (HA!) What if Spike ends up becoming GM for one RAW, how will Naitcha'boobs handle it? How does Test's turbo boost REALLY work? (Ha, I didn't THINK you'd care--especially since it involves TEST, who just happens to be the very DEFINITION of mediocrity.) While we're on that subject, how many more pushes do you think the ol' creative team can conjure up for Test? Who does Test have to KILL just to be able to get over with the few remaining fans of WWE? (I bet even if Test found and killed the ENTIRE Al-Quaida with his finisher, he STILL wouldn't get over--he'd be forever mired in bored reactions from audiences around the U.S.--while other superstars would maybe get BOOED out of the arenas, he seems to get YAWNED out--this is a scientifically-proven theory better known as the "Mark Henry effect", see: yawning and bathroom breaks) Well, ANYWAY, these and any other weird questions will be answered when you tune in next time--same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(Ok, so we left off with Albert and Spike in a head-to-head confrontation on the highway with Evolution. More specifically, with Spike and Flair in a battle of, well...wits. Look, I'm gonna' skip a little bit further along in the trip--mainly because I don't feel like typing too much tonight--besides, I just sorta' make this stuff up as it hits me. Let's see, I'll continue as the wrestlers enter Virginia. By the way, Spike and Albert eventually escape Evolution as Evolution was running low on gas and needed to stop for a fill-up--not to mention, Albert gets EXCELLENT gas mileage.)

Albert asks, "Hey, y'know I wonder how far ahead we ARE?"

Spike answers, "Well, we left Evolution way back in North Carolina--Charlotte, I believe. I haven't seen 'em since."

Albert nods, "Well, good--hey wait, who else is competing against us?"

"Well, I remember RVD and Lita, uuhh, Big Show and Tazz--and when we were at that shop in Miami, I coulda' SWORN I saw TEST!"

Albert, a bit surprised, asks, "TEST?--the HELL!? I don't remember HIM in the meeting Bischoff had with us!"

Spike shrugs, "I dunno, maybe he was there for personal reasons. Y'know him and Stacy just broke up."

Albert smirks and says, "Haha--oh yeah, that must be it, then. Hey Spike, looks like ol' Test jerks more than just curtains, huh? Aahahahaaaa!"

Spike smiles, "Hehehe...yeah."

* * *

(Meanwhile, SOMEWHERE in Virginia, we have Show, Tazz, and Test)

Test asks, "Hey Tazz, you know any girls--NICE girls, that is, that may be interested in a Motley Crue roadie turned pro-wrestler?"

Tazz replies, "Naaah, sorry--wait, (glances at Show) YEAH! I know the PERFECT girl f'you!"

Test, smiling, asks, "YEAH?"

"Yep! She's smart and has a unique beauty that can only be appreciated by a select few."

"Wow, when can you introduce me?"

Tazz, glancing at Show, smiling, says, "Soon brotha', soon."

Test happily says, "Alright! --Hey wait! It isn't JAZZ, is it?"

Tazz quixkly says, "OH, no no, it ain't Jazz! I'd NEVER do that to you, man!"

Test, holding his chest, relieved, says, "Ohh, whew--man, THAT'S a relief!"

Show says, "Besides, she's married to that guy."

Test asks, "What guy?"

Show says, "What's his face? Uuhhh--Rodney Mack! That's it, she's married to Rodney Mack."

Tazz frowns and asks, "Wait, wait, you mean someone actually MARRIED Jazz!"

Show nods, "Yep, 'fraid so. Y'know I-It-s one of those...phenomenons. You know, those questions that not even SCIENCE can correctly answer?"

Test strokes his chin, "Hmmm. It IS an interesting deal."

Show smiles and says, "Ha, you ain't lyin', my man. I mean, take a look at all the other divas, all--well, just ABOUT all of them, are beautiful. It's like, Jazz is, like the 'Carrie White' of the WWE locker room, y'know what I'm saying?"

(Test and Tazz start laughing and agreeing)

Show continues, "Yeah, it's like...like when we had that 10th anniversary RAW special. When Vince asked the guys to escort a diva to the event--you remember, there were, like 10 guys and 10 divas. Everyone had to, like, spin that RAW roulette wheel to see which diva gets assigned to them, right?"

Test nods, "Yeah, I remember. Go on."

"Ok, then you know how each of the 10 guys selected to do this each had to spin the wheel? And, it was sad and yet kinda' funny at the same time, the way the guys were acting. It was like that show "Wheel of Fortune", only landing on Jazz's name was like landing on Bankrupt!"

(Tazz and Test start laughing)

Show says, "Yeah, well you remember the poor guy that happened to get Jazz's name? You remember who it was--Michael Cole!"

Tazz laughs, "Yeah, haha, I rememba' cause he was FLIPPIN' OUT! He had his heart set on Nidier!"

Show and Test both ask, "NIDIA?"

Tazz nods and says, "Yep, Nidier. She's all the guy TALKS about! Sometimes he can barely do his job--haha!"

Test says, "Well damn, man--that ain't much better! --And her name's NidiA, not NIDIER!"

Tazz shrugs and says, "S'what I said, NIDIER.

Test sighs, "Nevermind."

Show continues, "Anyway--Yeah, WE know that--but you can't tell HIM that! Hell, didya' see the way he jumped in the ring to try and save her when she was getting her ASS handed to her by Sable and Dawn Marie?"

Test laughs, "HA!--Yeah I saw that shit! He tried to save HER and SHE ended up savin' HIM!"

Tazz mentions, "Yeah, after he recovered, she put out a RESTRAINING ORDER against him!"

Test asks, "WHAT? Nidia? Restraining order? Ag-against, not just Cole, but ANYONE?"

Show smirks, "Yeah, I know what you mean. She should be happy SOMEBODY actually pays her any attention. She's that type girl where she's beautiful as long as there's a paper bag over her head!"

(Show, Tazz, and Test all share a good laugh)

Show thinks for a second and says, "Hahahaa--hey Tazz, you remember when Cole landed on Jazz's name, he was beggin' Bischoff for a re-spin?"

Tazz laughs and says, "Hahaha! Yeah, now I-I've seen some lowpoints in wrestling, but this whole situation with Cole, HIS situation's especially sad 'cause he feels, as he says 'torn'! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! You get that, Show, Cole's feelin' TORN!"

Show adds, "Wow! Can you imagine that? Having to CHOOSE between Jazz and Nidia? That's like-like choosing between having cancer or diabetes! It's like, two extremes y'know? One looks like she was born with an ugly stick up her ass, while the other just needs to make like an ostritch and keep her head buried in the ground!"

(All three just continue to whoop it up--yes, at the expense of the more "beauty-challenged" divas)

Tazz, in an attempt to be civl, says, "Ok, ok ok ok--y'know, I-I don't think ol' Rodney Mack would appreciate us raggin' on his squeeze like 'dis."

Test and Show look at each other and say, "RODNEY MACK?"

Show laughs and says, "Rodney--PLEASE...PLEASE, SPARE me! HAHA!--you mean 'Mr. white-boy challenge?' Or, should I say, 'white boy CHALLENGED?' Y'know HE married Jazz, so you KNOW he's not the brightest color of the rainbow!"

Test snaps his fingers and says, "Oh-oh yeah NOW I remember, HE'S the guy that used t'have that 'five-minute white-boy challenge'--'member that?"

Tazz nods, "Yeah--I DO rememba' that! He used t'be managed by Mr. Peanut, y'know Teddy Long!"

Show smiles, "Ha--I used to love the way Teddy used t'say 'Belee dat, playa'!' Hey, as a matter of fact--I'M gonna' start sayin' that to whomever asks me a question. Like, if someone were to ask me the time, they'd be like, 'Eh Show, what's the time?', and I'd be like, 'It's two-twenty, belee' dat', playa!'"

* * *

(So as those three have a good time laughing it up, we'll join Evolution, who's well behind everyone--H just HAD to put himself over EVERYONE at the gas station, yes EVEN the vendor that just happened to be there refilling the soda machine...)

Flair asks, "Hey Champ, how far behind do you think we are?"

HHH shrugs, "Eh...I don't know. But, you know wha—" (cellphone rings)

HHH furrows his brow, wondering who's calling. He says, "Who the--(clicks phone on) Uh, hello?"

_Voice: (chewing) Hi Hunter, baby._

HHH asks, "Steph?"

_Voice: Of COURSE it's me, silly._

HHH says, "Hey hon. Hey, Steph, I meant to ask you, why'd you hang up on me the other day?"

_Steph: (chewing) Well, (swallowing) It's because you talked about throwing away my-my CHICKEN--_

"But Steph—"

_Steph: ---and my Ho-ho's_

"But Steph, I—"

_Steph: --and my creme pies_

"But STEPH—"

_Steph: --and my Ding-dongs_

"OKAY Steph, It's just—"

_Steph: --and you-you threatened to throw away ALL my snacks! I thought you LOVED me, Hunter!_

"ENOUGH STEPH--OK!? ENOUGH!!! Now I'll have you know that I said all that because—"

_Steph: (interrupting, yet AGAIN) --because you HATE it when I'm happy, don't you!?_

HHH, growing impatient, asks, "Can _I_ TALK please!? Can _I_ TALK?"

_Steph: ...Ok, ok ok._

"THANK you! Now, as I was sayin', I SAID those things because I LOVE you, and I just want you to be HEALTHY!"

_Steph: But, Hunter, I AM healthy!_

"Well you won't be for long with YOUR eating habits!"

_Steph: Now what's THAT supposed to mean!?_

(Batista's smiling at Orton, who's snickering a little and trying his hardest not to burst out laughing)

HHH, talking calmly, as he's starting to really lose his patience, says, "Steph, what I mean is that when we have dinner, there is no need for you to 'do me any favors' by eating all the food so that 'I don't have to', okay honey?"

(Evolution is snickering a little more as this conversation's happening...)

_Steph: Well...okay Hunter._

"Oh--and-and I also don't need to know the newest flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, ok?"

_Steph: Ok, then._

"That's right, I also don't need to hear about you closing down any more buffets on your days off, either. Ok, Steffy? There's no prize involved for making the buffet close for the third consecutive time, ok?"

_Steph: Ok Hunter. I promise I won't tell you about anymore of my food cravings, I-I won't tell you about anymore new flavors of any of my favorite desserts, as a matter of fact, Hunter, I won't even tell you when I'm hungry anymore_!

HHH purses his lips, saying, "Steph, that's not what I—"

_Steph: (dramatically, with that annoying fake cry/whine she's famous for) No, Hunter! I, as YOUR wife, promised to honor and obey you!_

HHH, starting to become unglued, says, "Look Stephanie, I—"

_Steph: I-I understand, Hunter. You don't want me to eat ANYTHING, do you? You want your lovely wife to just...just...STARVE!? DON'T you!? (snifffff) I thought you LOVED me, Hunter!_

HHH, finally losing it, starts yelling, " THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! LOOK STEPH! DON'T START...DON'T EVEN START! NOT HERE, NOT NOW! DON'T YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO TRY AND TWIST AROUND OUR WEDDING VOWS JUST SO YOU CAN KEEP EATING AND EATING UNTIL--HELL STEPH, YOU'RE REALLY JUST ABOUT TWO MEALS AWAY FROM GRADUATING FROM USING A SPOON TO USING A DAMN SHOVEL TO EAT! OUT AT THAT DAMN BUFFET YOU JUST LOOOOVE TO GO TO, THEY HELD A DAMN CEREMONY AND GAVE YOU A FUCKING NAME TAG, YOU'RE THERE SO GODDAMN MUCH--AND, SPEAKING OF BUFFETS, NO MORE TRYING TO PULL A CHAIR UP TO THE BUFFET, TRYING TO CALL IT YOUR "SEAT"! I DON'T WANNA' LIVE LIKE THIS WITH YOU, STEPH!! NOW EITHER YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE EATING OR I WILL! DO YOU UNDERSTA_—_"

_(click)_

HHH, still irate, YELLS, "HELLO? STEPHANIE? STEPHANIE? (looking at the phone) I don't fucking BELIEVE she hung up on me AGAIN!--(throws his phone down on the floor) FUUUUUUCK!"

Batista, trying to keep a straight face, asks, "Everything alright, champ?"

HHH slowly turns his head toward Batista, glaring.

Batista, with raised eyebrows and hands, says, "Hey man, ok, ok---sorry I asked!"

(So Trips just clams up--like he usually does when he's mad, and continues to drive on quietly. So, with that, another chapter comes to a conclusion. --Oh, by the way, Rob and Lita are doing just fine leading this charge—I put it like that because I got tired of typing stuff, so I'll cover them next time, ok? Ok.)

* * *

So, did Michael Cole enjoy his dream date with Jazz? Or will he take a walk on the wild side and break the restraining order that Nidia has against him? (Pick your poison here, folks...) Will Steph's raw determination help her achieve that seemingly unreachable goal of shutting down the local buffet for a record FOURTH time? Come to think of it, now that Kidman's one half of the tag champs, can he quit his "part-time gig"? (Naaah, not likely. He's one half of the SMACKDOWN tag champs, and frankly, in the eyes of the wrestling world, THAT title's worth about as much as the European title, HA!) Once again, these and all other absurd questions will be answered when you tune in next time--same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(Okay, when we left off last, HHH just got hung up on AGAIN from his beloved Stephanie. Let's see, we'll join Rob and Lita, for the time being...)

RVD suggests, "Yo Lita, how 'bout lettin' me drive a little?"

Lita asks, "You sure?"

"Yeah man, I'm startin' t'get a little bored."

"Well ok." (Lita pulls over and switches seats with Rob)

RVD, pulling away, says, "Ahh, that's better."

(So Rob and Lita drive on for a little bit when Rob starts getting a little hungry...)

RVD asks, "Hey Lita, you hungry?"

"Well, now that you mention it..."

RVD points backward and says, "Ok, there was a sign a li'l ways back that said there was like, a bar and grill-type restaurant up here at this next exit. Wanna' go?"

Lita nods, "Cool, I'm with that."

(So Rob and Lita take the exit and pull up to the restaurant...)

RVD says, "Ok, you go in and find us a seat."

"Cool--hey ROB, look at THAT car!"

(Lita spots a car that looks like a giant crack pipe...)

RVD says, "HEY, I know who that is! Only, I didn't think I'd see him out here in hickville, USA!"

Lita says, "Yeah--actually that could be, like, one of two people that I know of!"

RVD says, "I was thinkin' one. I had Jake Roberts in mind--who do you think it could be?"

"Well, I was thinkin', like, Brutus Beefcake. Remember him? hahaha!"

RVD says, "Sho' ya right!"

Lita says, "Ok, well I'll go in and find a table."

(So, as Lita goes in to find a table, Rob is in his car counting up his money.)

RVD, thinking aloud, says, "Ok, good--got enough money! But I'm gonna' hafta' make another withdrawal soon, it looks like."

(So Rob enters the restaurant and sees some familiar faces sitting at the bar, but goes to his table...)

RVD asks, "Hey Lita, did you see who's sitting up at the bar?"

"No, who's up there?"

(Rob subtly points at the people sitting up at the bar...)

Lita looks at the bar and looks back at Rob and says, "NO WAY!"

Rob nods, "Mmmm-hmm, wanna' go chat with 'em?"

Lita glances at Rob and says, "Sure, I'll bite. Let's go."

(So Rob and Lita approach the bar and...)

RVD says, "Well, well--Jake 'The Snake' Roberts and Scott Hall! What's up, guys?"

(Jake and Scott look at each other and then back at Rob and Lita.)

Scott smirks and says, "Hey yo, mang."

Jake says, "Hey have a seat (sniffff), have a seat. Want some crack? Do YOU (snorrrttt) have any crack?"

Scott says, "Yo mang, have a drink."

RVD shakes his head and says, "Oh no, we can't actually. And, sorry dude, but we don't do crack."

Lita adds, "Yeah besides, Vince has us on this weird trip."

Jake and Scott say together, "The beer and porn run, right?"

(Rob and Lita look at each other and shrug.)

RVD nods, "Yep, that's right dude--beer and porn."

Scott, shaking his head as he takes a swig from his bottle of whiskey, says, "Ha, even after all this time, mang, ol' Vinnie Mac still does those!"

Jake, daydreaming, mumbles to himself, "Mmmmm...crack."

Scott, looking at Jake and shaking his head, asks, "Well, anyway, what brings you two out here, chicos?"

RVD says, "We just came to get somethin' to eat, s'all."

Scott explains, "Well lemme' be the first to tell you that the food here tastes like SHIT, mang! But, they sure know how to fix a mean drink, chico."

Jake asks, "Huh, did somebody say crack?"

Scott says, "No, I said they know how to fix a mean DRINK! Damn, mang!"

Jake replies, "Well, lemme' know when someone says crack!"

(Rob, Lita, and Scott just look at each other shaking their heads.)

Lita says, "Hey Rob, I wanna' get our food to go, ok?"

RVD nods, "Alright cool, cool."

(So Lita walks away to order at the counter, and Rob continues to talk to Scott and Jake)

Scott says, "Hey yo, mang. I gotta' take a piss. Be back later."

As Scott walks away to relieve himself, RVD turns to Jake and asks, "So, uhh, Jake? You, uh, planning on gettin' back into the ring, dude?"

Jake sniffles and says, "Yep. When Vince gives me some crack."

RVD, kind of taken aback by Jake's blatant demand for crack, says, "Dude, no one's gonna' GIVE you any crack."

Jake simply says, "Crack."

RVD argues, "No, nobody HAS any."

"Crack."

"What's wrong with you, dude?"

"Crack...cracketty crack crack."

RVD looks at Jake with an unsure expression, and asks, "Are you alright?"

Jake asks, "You ever notice how ducks say 'quack'?"

RVD, slowly nodding, says, "Yeeeesssss?"

Jake explains, "Ducks ain't sayin' 'quack', my man! They're sayin' 'Crack'!"

RVD does a double-take and asks, "Wha-WHAT?"

Jake smiles and says, "Quack, crack, quack, crack, quack, crack!"

"Dude, you got some SERIOUS issues!"

Jake, flapping his arms like a bird and marching around, says, "Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack!"

RVD asks, "Are you, like, CRAZY or something? What HAPPENED to you!? You had one of the greatest wrestling minds, like, EVER!"

Jake suddenly turns toward him and in a very loud tone says, "QUACK!"

(Meanwhile, Lita comes back to Rob with the food as Scott's now just returning from the restroom...)

Scott, observing how Rob's looking at Jake, smirks and says, "Oh, I see you tried having a converstaion with ol' Jake, huh? Hahaha! Chico, ain't no talkin' to him when he's on one of his famed crack fits!"

Jake asks, "Hey Lita, wanna' see Damien?"

Lita asks, "Oh, COOL--you still have him? Where's he at?"

(Scott turns the other way sipping his whiskey and shaking his head, knowing what Jake was going to do next.)

Jake, slurring his words and trying to keep the blood running from his nose as he's looking around playfully trying to find "Damien", "Heeere Damien, here Damien--OH, HERE he is! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" (Jake whips out his cock as Lita just flips Jake off and storms out of the restaurant.)

Scott says, "Hey Jake mang, how many times you gonna' do that? Chico, that's like, the third woman TODAY that you repulsed!"

RVD says, "Uh yeah, hey guys, stay cool ok! And Scott, get Jake some help, man! Oh, and you get some help, too!"

Jake stumbles up on top of the bar counter and starts walking like a chicken, yelling, "CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK!..."

Scott, as Jake's still, uhh, "cracking" up on the counter, asks, "Hey mang, tell Trips I said 'what's up'."

(So with that, Rob turns and exits the restaurant and pulls out back onto the highway.)

Lita asks, "Dude, what the hell happened to Jake?"

RVD shrugs while smiling, and says, "I-I don't know, I really don't know."

Lita, shaking her head, says, "I don't BELIEVE I fell for that old 'snake in the pants' bit!"

RVD mentions, "Y'know, I didn't see Scott's car out there before, but did YOU notice it?"

Lita says, "Yeah man, the dude's car was a giant 40-ounce! Haha--It WAS kinda' cool, though!"

* * *

(Rob just starts laughing as he and Lita drive along. Now, we'll join Albert and Spike…)

Albert says, "Hey Spike, check that out." (He points to a broken-down car on the side of the road with a dark-haired guy trying to flag someone down.)

Spike notices, "Yeah--HEY, do you know who that IS?"

Albert, looking at the guys car, says, "Hey YEAH, I DO know who that is! I can tell by the car! Wanna' go pick him up?"

Spike shrugs, "Well, It doesn't really matter to me. You got room, man?"

Albert replies, "I guess, but we're on our way to a hotel, I'm gettin' sleepy."

(So Albert pulls over in front of this guy's car. The car is a VCR tape with the words "straight-to-video" on it.)

Spike says, "Well, gee willikers! Hey Pauly Shore!"

Albert smiles and says, "Hey, y'know I loved you in 'Encino Man'! Whenever I watch TBS, I ALWAYS watch your movie! --Well either THAT or 'Sister Act', hell, it's the only two movies they show, but I LOVE TBS!"

Pauly smiles and says, "Well cool, cool. Hey guys, my car's broken down. I was trying to get to my, uhhh, my latest premiere."

Spike asks, "Yeah? What's it called?"

Pauly shrugs and says, "Ummm, I dunno."

(Spike and Albert just look at each other then Albert shrugs and leaves to go get a wrench from his trunk and then attempts to fix Pauly's "car".)

Spike asks, "You don't know? Well, isn't it YOUR movie?"

"Yep."

Spike asks, "Well, why don't you know?"

Pauly shrugs again and says, "I dunno."

Spike asks, "Well, why don't you—"

(Pauly gives Spike a sharp knee to the groin as Albert doesn't see or hear anything going on. Spike sells the knee, drops the keys, and jobs the car out to Pauly who then does a burnout as he pulls away screaming...)

Pauly, as he's driving off, yells, "SO LONG, SUCKERRRRRS! AHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Albert yells, "HEY! STOP, STOP!"

(Albert runs up the road a little and then throws the wrench down in frustration as he sees Spike in the fetal position on the ground shivering and holding his groin area.)

Albert asks, "Spike, what HAPPENED? How'd he get my car?"

Spike, still holding himself, replies, "Owww, owww--DAMN that hurt! He-he kneed me in my nuggets and then stole the car"

Albert throws his arms up in frustration and asks, "NOW how the hell are we gettin' outta' here?"

Spike, feeling his pockets for his cellphone, says, "Damn, my cellphone's in the car! That sonofabitch has my cellphone!"

Albert retorts, "Forget your cellphone, he has my fucking CAR!"

(Albert looks at the broken-down vehicle, puts his hands on his hips and just sighs in frustration)

Spike asks, "Well, do you think we can hitchhike?"

Albert says, "Hell Spike, we're out in the middle of NOWHERE! We're gonna' HAVE to!"

(So Albert and Spike start thumbing the traffic as it goes by and it gets progressively darker. Suddenly, after a good while of thumbing, here comes another car...)

Albert points in the distance, "Hey, here comes a car! Start flaggin'!"

(So Albert and Spike start jumping up and down waving their arms trying to flag this car down. The car accelerates and swerves a little toward them and splashes mud on Spike as Albert moved out of the way just in time.)

Spike yells, "HEY! SON OF A BITCH!"

Albert laughs, "I tried to tell you to move back, haha!"

(So this car speeds off and Spike could hear a faint chorus of laughs and a "Whoooooo".)

Spike shakes his fist and yells, "Damn you Evolution!"

Albert shrugs and says, "Eh, what can ya' do? We'd better start hoping someone comes along soon or else we gotta' call this piece a'junk here our sleeping quarters for the night."

(So, about a half-hour passes, and a car finally starts to approach our two stranded superstars)

Spike says, "Hey look, a CAR!"

"Good, start flagging!"

(So, again, Albert and Spike are jumping up and down trying to flag this car down, and it pulls over!)

Albert excitedly says, "Alright! The car pulled over!"

Spike, looking at the car strangely as he approaches it, asks, "Hey, who do you think this is?"

Albert shakes his head, "Doesn't matter to me! Just so long as I get into a nice hotel room, haha!"

(This vehicle is a phone booth with wheels and the door opens up like on a bus.)

Albert walks up to the front of the vehicle and says, "Hey guy, thanks--HEY It-it's YOU!"

Spike asks, "Who? (He walks to the door.) HEY, Dave Arquette!"

Arquette proudly mentions, "That's former wCw champ, David Arquette, hahaaaaa!"

Albert says, "Hey, you still doin' those 1-800-call ATT commercials?"

Arquette shakes his head, "Naaaaah, gots' me a NEW gig! HaHA! C'mon guys, hop in!"

(So Albert and Spike get in Arquette's phone booth and he then drives off)

Spike asks, "So, you say you got a new thing? Well what is it?"

Arquette cheerfully explains, "Hahaha! You don't know!? I am married to the gorgeous and very rich Courtney Cox! You see, the deal is, she gets up every morning doing rehearsals and photo shoots--and me? Ha, well I get up and practice a li'l Playstation, my man! Shit dude, by the time she comes back home, my hands are friggin' TIRED! Hahahaaaa!"

(Spike and Albert glance at each other as Arquette continues...)

Arquette continues, "YEAH BABY!! That's right! Y'know, she comes home bitchin' at me for not havin' dinner ready. Up here complaining, that's right, COMPLAINING that I don't pull my fair share of the responsibility! Do you believe that shit? That's right, she'll come stormin' in sayin' that as hard as she works, I could at least have dinner prepared--like striving for perfection at Grand Theft Auto isn't hard ENOUGH! I-I mean, video games are nothing BUT hard work, ESPECIALLY when you get to those missions that you just can't fuckin' PASS! Geez! And besides, I'm a former WORLD CHAMPION, MY MAN!!! YOU FEEL ME?"

Albert starts, "Well...(he and Spike glancing at each other, while trying to answer correctly so that they don't lose their ride…) I, uhhhh...TOTALLY understand. How 'bout you, Spike? You understand, right?"

"Yup."

Arquette smiles and asks, "So-so you two feelin' me!? Allllllriiiight! Haha, let's hit an inn, huh? I'll put it on this here Visa Courtney gave me! We'll watch porn and eat all the food we can guys! Let's roll!"

(So Albert, Spike, and NOW David Arquette all make their way to the nearest hotel for lodging for the night. And, with that, I'll cut this chapter off with no questions asked.)

* * *

So, act like you know, and tune in next time--same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(So when we left off last time, Albert and Spike were duped by Pauly Shore and then waaaaaay later, picked up by David Arquette, former wCw world champ. We rejoin them as they've now found lodging at a nearby Howard Johnson's and have each settled into their own rooms--sorry, no Ticketmaster booth in THIS one...)

Albert explains, "--So that's the situation we're in. You understand?"

Spike adds, "That's right, we have to get there first so's we can be RAW co-GM's."

(Of course you noticed that Albert and Spike just finished explaining the trip to Arquette...)

Arquette asks, "So Vince wants some beer and porn, and there's sort of a race to get these things back to him? And, whoever wins, gets to head RAW--am I understanding this correctly?"

Spike nods, "That's the story."

Arquette nods and says, "Cool, cool. Hey guys, mind if I get in on this?"

Albert, a bit skeptical, says, "I don't know, you see, you don't work for WWE."

Spike agrees, "Yeah, but he DID pick us up. So I guess that puts him in this race by default?"

Albert, thinks a little, then shrugs, "Well, I guess so. Ok Dave, you're in!"

Arquette happily says, "Alriiiiight!"

Albert says, "Well guys, let's get some sleep, huh? We wanna' be up at five o'clock SHARP and meet in the lobby at six, ok?"

Spike and Arquette say, "Cool."

(So Spike and Arquette go their separate ways as they were in Albert's room.)

Albert sighs, "I hope we win this thing, I need more TV time!"

(So Albert unlaces his boots and walks into the bathroom...)

Albert looks into the mirror and says to himself, "For SOME strange reason, I'm horny as HELL! Damn, I gotta' DO somethin' about this! I can't call my girl, she's at her folks'. And her folks HATE me!--And if her dad calls me 'the fat hairy guy that pins all the cruiserweights' again, I'm gonna' give him such a derailer that he'll remember my name everytime he tries to lay DOWN!"

(So Albert goes into the bedroom and turns on the telly and finds some porn.)

Albert excitedly says, "Alright! PORN! I ain't seen a good porno in a while."

(So Albert watches the entire film, but one portion sticks out in his mind...)

Albert is daydreaming about one particular scene and he says to himself, "Man, I-I gotta get MY girlfriend to do THAT! Man, she just stood there and-and—"

(Suddenly there's a knock on the door...then another series of knocks...another set of knocks...then pounding...)

Albert, finally snapping out of his trance, says, "Huh!? Oh--oh, come in!"

Spike enters and asks, "Uhh, Albert? What were you doing?"

"Huh? Oh I just saw this one porno where this gorgeous girl just sprayed whipped cream on her tits and slowly licked it off! Spike, maaaaaan, you don't know how bad I wanted to be that whipped cream!"

Spike says rather frankly, "Yes I do."

"You do? How?"

Spike explains, "Well, I've seen Jackie do it backstage PLENTY of times. I can't TELL you the amount of times that I wanted to be the cream on HER tits! Better yet, I wanted to give her tits a bit of MY cream, hahahahaha!"

Albert asks, "Which Jackie? Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Vanilla."

Albert smiles and asks, "Oh yeah? How come I ain't never seen it?"

Spike shrugs, "'Guess you just aren't around when she does it? But anyway, she ALWAYS does it. She acts like it's always Mardi Gras!"

Albert smiles again and says, "You know, I want MY girlfriend to do that! I mean, she doesn't like the toys _I_ get her, she doesn't like whips, handcuffs, ticklers, wrestling boots—"

Spike asks, "WRESTLING BOOTS?"

"Oops--you didn't hear that, got it?"

"Uh--ok."

"As I was saying, she doesn't like anything! I like to take her from the back, right? Well she doesn't even like THAT!"

Spike says, "Gee, that's too bad."

"Ha! You're damn right! She needs to understand, I'm a FREAK in the bedroom! Well anyway, what is it you wanted?"

Spike answers, "Oh, uhh, I just wanted to tell you that I think I accidentally left my alarm clock in the other hotel."

"Alright, go tell Arquette--tell him t'wake you up."

"Well, ok then."

(Spike exits and Albert closes the door as a wide grin creeps across his face...)

Albert laughs, "Mwahahahahaaaaa!"

(Albert feverishly routes through the stuff in his duffelbag--the one he purchased on the way to the hotel. Remember, Pauly Shore has their original luggage...)

Albert smiles and says, "Aha! FOUND it!"

(Albert holds up a can of that spray-on cheese whiz and walks into the bathroom in front of the mirror...)

Albert shakes up the can and mumbles to himself, "Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna' be feelin' this! Hahaha!"

(So Albert squirts the cheese in a circular motion--like a bulls-eye pattern, on his hairy manboobs. When he's finished, his chest looks like it has two yellow bulls-eyes on it.)

"Ahhhh, perfect! Kinda' cold, though. Well, time to get 'er goin'..."

(Albert looks around real quick and then lifts one hairy boob and slowly licks the cheese off of it while looking in the mirror with a seductive look...)

"Mmmmm...creamy. Feels kinda' good, too! heheee!"

(Albert then does the same to the other boob and...)

"Mmmmm...haha, cheezy-boobs! Hmmm, you know, that could be a new snack food! They have cheese PUFFS, cheese NIPS, cheese and CRACKERS, cheeTOS, cheese BALLS--hmm, maybe I could, uh, RECREATE that someday, ahehehe, and NOW, courtesy of ...me, I now have (licks cheese residue off of a boob) cheesy-boobs! haha! Damn, I'm a fuckin' GENIUS!"

* * *

(Hey, let's leave that sick scene and join up with Rob and Lita, who have just settled in their rooms for the night)

Lita suggests, "Hey Rob, whaddya' say we meet up in this lobby at six?"

RVD says, "Alright then. G'night."

"'Night."

(So Rob and Lita go their separate ways, but I think we'll stay with Lita. Yeah, we're gonna' stay with Lita...)

Lita enters her room, looks around and says to herself, "Hmm, for an 'economy' hotel, it's nice. (looking around) Let's see--plush carpet, nice bed, nice bath--hmm, this place ain't so bad. Y'know? I think I'll call Stacy..."

(Lita gets her phone out and Stacy's number is on speed-dial...)

_Voice (male): (a little groggy) Mmm...hello? Hello?_

Lita asks, "Excuse me, but who's this?"

_Voice: Well, who's THIS? You woke ME, remember?_

"This is Lita, I called to talk to Stacy."

_Voice: Lita?_

"Yeah, I'm a friend of Stacy's. Who are YOU?"

_Voice: Me? Heh, I'm a friend of Stacy's, too._

"Well, may I speak to her, please?"

_Voice: She's still in the shower. I'll tell'er you called, though._

"Ok then."

(Lita hangs up and starts wondering who that man was, as she knew Stacy and Test just broke up--and she KNEW it wasn't Test's whiny voice. A few minutes later, however, Lita's phone rings...)

Lita picks up the phone, "Hello?"

_Voice: Hey girl!_

Lita asks, "Stacy?"

_Voice: Yeah, it's me! What's up? I heard you called earlier._

"Yeah, I was calling to see how you were doing. But I can tell from your tone that you're doing just fine, hehe!"

_Stacy: Yeah, I most certainly AM!_

"Well, who's the new guy?"

_Stacy: Oh, you know him! Didn't you recognize his voice?_

"I KNOW him? What, do we work with him?"

_Stacy: Well, we DID._

"Well...who IS it?"

_Stacy: It's Matt Morgan._

"MATT MORGAN?"

_Stacy: Yes. That's right. Matt Morgan, or as I like to call him, Matt "maniac in bed" Morgan! heehee! _

"What? Maniac in BED?"

_Stacy: Ohhh yes, sweetie! Matt is...EVERYTHING I look for in a man, Lita._

"Really?"

_Stacy: Well...YEAH! Why? Because he's big and tall--and JR likes callin' him a hoss. You know what THAT means? Yep, He WON'T be asked out by Bradshaw and he'll get undeserved pushes. Because as both you and I know, the fans LOVE hosses. If you don't believe me, ask Vince--HE told me! Besides, why do you think Bradshaw is the heavyweight champ?_

"How the HELL can he get a push, he doesn't even WORK for WWE anymore!"

_Stacy: Well, he said he'll soon be getting a push on his job. He said, that, on his application where it says "qualifications" he put "hoss" and used JR as a reference._

"Wait wait--you mean he ACTUALLY put 'HOSS' in the qualifications section!? Well, from all that you've TOLD me, he sounds a lot like, uhh..."

_Stacy: Like who?_

"Test."

_Stacy: (going OFF) He does NOT! Lita, don't you EVER compare my Mattie to-to...the likes of, ugh, TEST! Matt is NOT all boring and generic like TEST is! He's also not a heat vacuum like TEST! And, he's actually someone the fans CARE about! Lita, you can ask ANY wrestling fan, any FOOTBALL fan, any BASEBALL fan--ANY fan of ANY sport, you ask them who their favorite athlete is, and I GUARANTEE you they'll always say "Matt Morgan"! _

"Uuuh...ok."

_Stacy: That's right, Matt Morgan is a...a household NAME in sports TO-DAY!_

"Really?"

_Stacy: Yep, he tells me all the time. So why shouldn't I beweeve my Mattie?_

"You know what, you've kinda' lost your mind, Stace."

_Stacy: I have not!_

"What--EVER! Well, where is he working?"

_Stacy: He's in management._

"Oh really? For what company?"

_Stacy: He's an executive for Big Lots. Lita, did you know he works for Mr. Lots DIRECTLY?_

Lita sighs, rolls her eyes, and says, "Stacy? Did he just TELL you this?--or did you actually SEE this?"

_Stacy: Why...he told me, of course! I don't have any reason to doubt my Mattie!_

"Well, what...'executive branch' did he say he worked at?"

_Stacy: You know, Lita? You sound like you don't believe me!_

"Well...I don't. As a matter of fact, what I REALLY don't believe is that you FELL for that!"

_Stacy: Fell for what?_

Lita, starting to lose her cool, starts, "Stacy, look—"

_Stacy: --No, YOU look! Matt is good to me, he has a real good job, and--hell, Lita, he EVEN gave up everything he had to move in with his mother! Now, to me, that's what a GOOD man does! And, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you were just JEALOUS of what me and my Mattie HAVE! You know what? I really expected some support from you, I thought we were friends!?_

"But, Stacy, we ARE—"

_Stacy: (cutting her off)--Well why can't you just accept what me and Mattie have!? Why do you have to be so jealous!? Matt is a top executive in his company and he's about to be promoted to FLOOR MANAGER! FLOOR MANAGER, Lita! He told me that that means he'll be in charge of his ENTIRE floor in that building!_

Lita, frustrated, but talking calmly, a' la HHH, "Stacy, does he ever let you come visit him?"

_Stacy: Well, he always said that people are not allowed to visit with the employees. That, if I came to visit him, he'd be fired on the spot._

"Oh my GOD, Stacy! Don't you see? Next thing you know, this guy'll tell you that he moved in with his mother because he wanted to 'help her out'."

_Stacy: Well, that IS the reason he gave me. And, what's wrong with THAT!?_

"Haha--you know what, Stacy? I'm just gonna' let YOU handle this, but I'll be here for you. I-I just cant take this! I'll holla'."

_Stacy: Well...ok, then. Later._

(So Lita and Stacy hang up and Lita just laughs to herself as I close out this chapter, once again, with no questions asked.)

* * *

However, you CAN tune in next time--same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(Ok, so when we left off, our superstars found lodging, and chose to do whatever WITHIN that lodging they found. We also learned that Stacy has fallen for Matt "The incredible hoss" Morgan. Well, with that said, let's join Evolution for breakfast.)

Flair asks, "Hey champ, you sure this is a good joint? Do they take AARP?"

HHH replies, "Naitch, don't worry. These are good people, trust me."

(So Evolution all file into the restaurant and take their seats.)

Batista rubs his hands together and says, "Oh good, the menus are already on the table. Man, I'm starved!"

Cowboy Bob III nods, "Yeah, me too! I wonder what they've got in the way of a good omelet?"

Flair looks his menu over carefully, and says, "Hmmm...this picture of the bran-flake special looks good!"

(The other Evolution guys, including Hebner, look at each other, then at Flair...)

Flair sees everyone looking at him and asks, "What?"

HHH says, "I don't care HOW regular they make you, you aren't having ANYTHING with the word 'bran' in it!"

"But champ—"

HHH says, "--I said no bran flakes! As a matter of fact, you aren't getting any bran PANCAKES, or bran WAFFLES, either! So don't even TRY to pull THAT one!"

Batista adds, "Yeah, c'mon Flair, you remember how long it took to get your…aroma outta' the car LAST time?"

Flair says, "Hey, but guys—"

Batista says, "--No buts', Naitch! Just order some BREAKFAST, okay?"

Flair sighs, "Well alright then. I...I guess I'll have the steak and eggs special."

HHH smiles and says, "Now, see? That wasn't so bad, now WAS it?"

Flair shakes his head, "Nah, I guess not."

(A few moments later, a waitress comes out to their table...)

The waitress says, "Hey game, how are you today?"

HHH smiles and says, "Hey Madusa, I'm fine! Lemme' introduce you to the boys. This here's Batista, this is Randy Orton, and well, of COURSE you know Naitch."

Madusa waves and says, "Hey guys, nice to meet you!"

Hebner asks, "Hey, what about ME?"

(Evolution as well as Madusa just turned and looked at Hebner)

HHH continues, "Ya anyway, we're just here for a little breakfast."

Batista adds, "Yeah, we're just returning from Miami. Vince wanted us to go down there and get him some b—"

Madusa cuts him off, "--WAIT, don't tell me! Beer and porn, right?"

Cowboy Bob III nods, "Yep."

Madusa grips her pen a little tighter and says, "Good, I hope he KEEPS doing those runs! I never DID like that trick Linda! She fired me just because she just HAPPENED to catch Vince looking down my blouse!"

Batista, raising his eyebrows, asks, "He was looking down your blouse?"

Madusa nods, "Well yeah. He ALWAYS made me wear low-cut blouses. As a matter of fact, he added it in as a stipulation in my contract! He said that if I 'deprive' him of my 'assets' I'll be FIRED!"

Flair laughs a little, "Hey Madusa, remember what happened in wCw that one time? YOU know, with, uhh, Luger?"

Madusa, rolling her eyes, hesitantly says, "Oh yeah...that."

HHH smiles and asks, "Oh, now what's THIS?"

Madusa says, "Yeah, he's talking about the time that I got caught giving head to Lex Luger in exchange for a push. I don't BELIEVE, even to this DAY, that I ACTUALLY did that!"

(Evolution start laughing. Most noticeably, Batista and Orton are looking at each other laughing noticeably harder than the others--mostly because of what they know about Trish--see chapter 7.)

Madusa continued, "Yeah, you see, I figured that since it worked up in McMahon-land, It'd work in Turnerville. Ha! Boy, was I ever wrong! NOW look at me! I work in a FUCKING DINER!" (snickers a little...)

(Madusa's frustration comes out sort of loud, as some of the patrons started to look her way)

Madusa forcefully says, "What are you people staring at? Keep eating or I'll spit in ALL of your meals!"

HHH glances wide-eyed at Evolution, then slowly back at Madusa--who's seemingly started to come somewhat unglued. He cautiously asks, "Uuhh...Madusa?"

Madusa snaps, "WHAT?"

HHH jumps a little and asks, "Uhhh, i-is everything ok?"

Madusa **really** lets loose, "Dammit--YES! YES! Everything's just FINE! Now if everybody would PLEASE just get off my BACK!! I-I don't HAVE the money today! NO YOU CAN'T TAKE MY HOUSE!!! NO LEX, NO MORE--I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY MORE HEAD, IT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME BUT LET ME WIND UP HERE WORKING WITH YOU...AGAIN!!!!! HUH, WHAT'S THAT LEX LOOOSER!? YOU SAID YOU'LL GET ME A PROMOTION!? MOTHER FUCKER, HOW!? I WAIT ON THESE...(says this while pounding the table) GOD-DAMN-TABLES!!!! ---AND YOU, HA!! THAT'S THE BIGGEST LAUGH OF 'EM ALL, YOU'RE THE FUCKIN' JANITOR!!!! I-I'M ON FUCKING PROZAC AND I'M IN THERAPY BECAUSE OF YOU!!! I HATE GOIN' TO THOSE DAMN THERAPY CLASSES, THERE'S THIS BITCH NAMED TRISH THAT GOES THERE THAT-THAT JUST...LAUGHS AT EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH!!!---I SWEAR, TO SUNNY, HOLY JESUS THAT THAT BITCH IS GONNA' GET HERS!!! AAAARRRRGH, AAAAAARRRRRGH!!!! WHY GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO..."

(By now the entire restaurant is so quiet, you could hear a mouse sneeze. Everyone's attention is on Madusa as she continues to go off. We will now rejoin her...)

"...THAT NO-GOOD PIECE OF SHIT, ERIC BISCHOFF!!! OH-OHHH, NO TO MENTION THAT BOTTOM-FEEDING PIECE OF GARBAGE VINCE RUSSO!!!! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? RUINING MY CAREER, F-FORCING ME TO STRUGGLE JUST TO HAVE FOOD ON MY TABLE, WHEN THERE USED TO BE A TIME THAT I HAD EVERYTHING HANDED TO ME JUST BECAUSE I ASKED FOR IT!!! THAT NO-GOOD SKANK, SUNNY--CALLING HERSELF GIVING ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT--THAT-THAT..."FONDLE-ME-ELMO" DOLL SHE MADE HER SO-CALLED "SEX VIDEO" WITH!!! WHY THE HELL WAS IT THAT WHEN I PULLED IT OUT OF THE BOX, IT WAS ALL CRUSTY AND SMELLING LIKE A MIXTURE OF FISH AND DOUCHE!!!! MY LIFE IS HELL, KILL ME...PLEASE!!! PLEEEEEASE...PLEEEASE...PLLEEE—"(falls to her knees crying and grabbing H's leg...)

HHH is looking around kind of embarrassed, whispering, "Madusa...Madusa, c'mon, get up! Everyone's looking at us! C'mon!"

Madusa is crying, pleading, begging, and grabbing H's leg, saying, "H, y-you GOTTA' help me! I-I can't DO this anymore! They're about to take my CAR! I-I have four kids, FOUR KIDS--and I don't even know who the fathers are!"

HHH, embarrassed and still looking around as it's still quiet, says, "Madusa. I-I don't know what I could do. What can I do?"

Madusa looks up at H and asks, "You mean there's nothing? I know you can do SOMEthing!? Pleeease, H!"

HHH thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, I know what I could do! Hey 'Ducie, lay down!"

(So Madusa readily lays on the floor--apparently not a new position...)

Madusa asks, "Wha-what are you..."

HHH calmly says, "Shhhhh, shhhh...just lay down, I'll put my hands gently on your shoulders and--Yo, Hebner--do it!"

Hebner falls to the floor and pounds it, "1-2-3!"

(Flair rings the bell)

HHH stands back up and says, "Well that ALWAYS does the trick for me! How do you feel now?"

Madusa asks, "H, what good did THAT do?"

HHH tries to reason, "Think about it, huh? It did wonders for me. After all, there's no sense in BOTH of us being down, is there?"

(Madusa just starts crying again as Evolution start heading out the door.)

Madusa grabs hold of H's leg again and starts sobbing, "NO, NO, NO, NO! I CAN'T let you go until you help meeeee!"

HHH, trying to walk, says, "Medusa! Look you gotta' make your OWN oppurtunities! Now please--get off of my LEG!"

Medusa, grasping tighter yells, "NO...NEVER!"

HHH sighs and finally relents, "Medu--well, might as well come with us now."

* * *

(So Evolution head out the door and with every left-step H takes, he drags Medusa with him. And so, with that, Evolution pile into their car(s) as Hebner climbs back inside the trunk. And, yes, as H got in, Medusa was STILL clinging onto his leg. So as Evolution has to skip breakfast now, let's visit with Show, Tazz, and Test as they've just got finished with breakfast...)

Tazz asks, "Hey Test, When d'you expect we should hit Pennsylvanier?"

Show corrects him, "That's PennsylvaniA"

Tazz laughs a little and says, "S'what I said, Pennsylvanier."

Show says, "No it wasn't, YOU said--(sighs) nevermind, It's Pennsylvanier."

Tazz smiles and says, "Haha, s'what I said!"

(Show and Test glance at each other as they climb inside the boot-car.)

(So the three superstars hit the highway on their way to Pennsylvanier--I mean, PennsylvaniA)

Test says, "Hey guys, you won't BELIEVE who I saw the other WEEK!"

Show asks, "Well, who'd you see?"

"I saw Mike Awesome!"

Show and Tazz ask in unison, "Mike Awesome?"

Test nods, "Yep, Miiiiiike Awesome."

Tazz asks,"Hey, how's he doin'?"

Test, shakes his head and sighs. He says, "Tazz, here's the story--The other week, my nephew came to visit me, right? And he was, like, bored outta' his skull! He kept getting into things. So, to put a stop to this--not to mention pawn his li'l bad-assed self on someone ELSE for at least a FEW minutes, I take the li'l bugger to Chuck E. Cheese's. Well, we get in there and he sees Chucky and goes running up to him and gives the rat a big hug. Well, a little later on, I remember that I left something out in my car."

Tazz nods, "Ok, g'head."

"Ok, I'm on my way back to my car, and I caught a glimpse of some activity around the side of the building. Well, being the nosy person that I AM, I just HAD to look. I look back there and see a bunch of people in those red Chuck E. Cheese shirts and Chucky HIMSELF--only without the head on. Well anyway, these people were all hunched over in a circle smoking cigaretts and, from what I saw, shooting craps. I had to take a closer look, so I inched a li'l closer, trying not to be seen."

Show says, "Ok, go on."

"Yeah, I get up closer and see that Chucky is Mike Awesome, and Mike Awesome is Chucky!  
Guys, I can't BEGIN to tell you how funny it was to see Mike Awesome's head on Chucky's body! It's sorta' that "tiny head-humongoid body" situation!"

(The three superstars start laughing a little.)

Test nods and says, "Mike friggin' Awesome, damn! hahaha! Y'know, I had THOUGHT Chucky was a bit taller than normal! I mean, I didn't really STARE, but when you glanced at him with, y'know, his "head" on, the head wouldn't even connect with the body, you could still see, like, about two inches of NECK still showin' between the head and the body!"

Show smirks and says, "Yeah, imagine those kids. What if the kids see Chuck E. Cheese smokin' a ciggy and shootin' craps!? (gasps sarcastically) My GAWD, what a TRAVESTY! They'll be burned for LIFE--all because of a rat named Chucky. Think about it, Michael Jackson had a rat named "Ben", well, for SOME "lucky" kid out there, HIS or HER "Ben" will be Chucky!"

Tazz smiles and says, "You know, that IS funny! Oh man, wait'll the boys in the back hear THAT one! Haha!"

(So, as Tazz, Show, and Test all have a good laugh, I'll end this chapter of this...saga as our superstars make their way toward Pennsylvania.)

* * *

Well, looks like Evolution has a new ,ahem, member, huh? So that begs the question, is there anymore room left in the car, or is Hebner willing to share the trunk space with ol' 'Ducie? Will the head "cheeses" over at Chuck E. Cheese give Mike Awesome the push that he wants? Where's Paul Heyman when you need him? (Ha, I know that's what ol' Mike's thinkin', huh? ahahaaa!) Come to think of it, What happened to the guy that "discovered" Mike Awesome, in the FIRST place?--You remember "Judge" Jeff Jones, from ECW? (Hmm...might have to slide HIM in this story somehow--hehehe!) Lastly, there's a question I meant to ask Albert last time--Now that we know he likes cheese with his manboobs--"cheesyboobs", as he calls them, do you think he'd be willing to have CRACKERS with his boobs. Like, he could maybe put a cracker in his cleavage while he licks the cheese off his boobs? (I don't know, s'just a thought) Well, with yet another chapter closed, I say farewell till next time--Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!-


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(When we left off, Trips was hobbling out of a diner with Madusa clenching his ankle. Now, however, we have Spike, Albert, and Arquette just approaching Pennsylvania...)

Spike points out, "Hey, there's the 'Welcome to Pennsylvania' sign!"

Albert nods, "Yep, looks like we're in."

"Yeah."

(Suddenly, they pass an Exxon Station. When Spike glances over, he sees something of interest...)

Spike excitedly says, "Oh DAMN--Albert, Albert!"

Albert, also excited, says, "What, what?"

"Look, over at that gas station by that pump!"

(Albert hurriedly looks over at the gas station and...)

"WHAT THE--MY CAR! HEY, DAVID, PULL IN, PULL IN!"

(So David makes a sharp turn over into the gas station, and...)

Albert, carefully looking around for Pauly Shore, says, "Ok, tell you what. Pull in the back, the li'l punk must be in payin' for the gas!"

(So David pulls around the back of the gas station and they're just out of eyeshot, but they can see the car just fine.)

Spike asks, "You believe the NERVE? He stole your car and NOW has the GALL to actually buy GAS for it--like it's HIS?"

Albert nods, "Hmm, that's ok."

Arquette says, "Dude, he stole your car--and, you're saying it's ok?"

Albert smiles and says, "Yep. Reason being is, when he finishes paying inside and comes back out, I'll be waitin' for him!"

(So, with that, Albert exits the car and tip-toes up to the front corner of the building. As Albert's waiting, the gas station begins to clear out. About a minute later, here comes Pauly Shore strolling out of the building, eating a Hershey bar. Albert's eyes flare up momentarily and he jumps out from behind the corner...)

Albert yells, "A-HA, I KNEW I'D CATCH UP WITH YOUR PUNK ASS SOONER OR LATER!"

Pauly, surprised, says, "Wha—"

Albert grabs him by his neck and says, "YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA' DO T'YOU!? I'M GONNA' RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF OF YOUR NECK, PISS DOWN YOUR THROAT, RIP YOUR SPINE OUT AND WEAR IT LIKE A NECKLACE AS I DRIBBLE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN THE INTERSTATE LIKE A HARLEM FUCKIN' GLOBE-TROTTER!"

Pauly swallows hard and says, "Uhh...ehehehe. Um, I see you, uh found—"

Albert cuts him off, "--SHUT THE HELL UP!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU STEAL MY CAR, ANYWAY HUH!? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!"

Pauly, scared out of his mind, says, "Aaaahh! Ok, ok, ok. I-I stole it because my car was broken down, man. I-I needed a new ride, s'all!"

Albert suddenly smiles, snickering a little, he says, "Haha, you mean you...just needed a ride? Hahahaaaa! That's a good one!"

Pauly, starts to calm a little, but laughing a bit uneasily, says, "Ehehehe...you mean, you're not upset? Hahaha!"

Albert smiles, "Hhaha--how can I be upset? I mean, I-I'm getting my car back, hahaha!"

(So Pauly and Albert share a momentary laugh, until...)

Albert suddenly yells, making Pauly jump and wet himself a little, "NO YOU DUMB FUCK! I'M NOT UPSET, I'M FUCKIN' LIVID!" (Albert suddenly grabs Pauly's neck again)

Pauly squeaks out, "Ack..can't...breathe!"

Albert, squeezing tighter, says, "That's the PURPOSE!"

(Spike sees what's happening and runs over and whispers something in Albert's ear...)

Albert, slowly starting to smile, thereby loosening his grip--but not enough for Pauly to get away, says, "Yeah? I, uh, think we could work that out, MWAHAHAHAAAA!"

* * *

(So Spike and Albert grin at each other devilishly, then back at Pauly. So, you know by now we have to join Rob and Lita...)

Lita says, "Yo Rob?"

"Yeah?"

"Hey, I was just wonderin', what would you say if a good friend of yours was kinda' in a not-so-promising relationship with someone that THEY cared about, but you knew something phony about the person that they were seeing?"

"Well, if it was one of MY friends, I'd try to reason with them."

Lita nods, "Exactly."

RVD asks, "What? Are, uh, one of your friends in a crappy relationship, or something?"

"Yeah."

"Well, did you try talking to this person?"

Lita says, "Yeah, but she wouldn't listen. I tried and tried and tried, but it seemed to just fall on deaf ears."

"Well, sometimes you just gotta', y'know, just let'm go. Let them have each other. I know that's what I'd do."

"Yeah, you're right. Hey, I wanna' give you a little detail so you can see my plight."

"Cool, g'head."

Lita explains, "Well, this guy claims to be an executive for Big Lots, right? And he also claims to have moved in with his mother, you know, to—"

RVD and Lita says at the same time, "--help her out."

RVD nods and says, "Yeah yeah yeah, I know guys that try to pull that. Hahaaa!"

"Oh yeah?"

RVD smirks and nods, "Yeah, chances are, that this guy your friend's seeing is some loser who's probably "in line" for a promotion to 'floor manager'. Right?"

Lita, with mouth wide open, pointing at Rob, says, "Ye-yes! That's right!"

RVD confidently asks, "Ok now, does your friend ACTUALLY know what a floor manager is?"

Lita shakes her head, "No. She repeated to me what HE said to HER--he apparently told her that he's going to be the 'manger of the entire floor of his building'."

RVD, laughs a little, "Hey, did he possibly tell her that if she came to visit him, he'd get fired?"

Lita, with eyes wide, "WOW! That-that's right! He DID!"

RVD says, "Well Lita, congratulate your friend. She's officially dating a loser--OH wait, did he, by any chance, happen to be a pro-wrestler at any point?"

Lita nods, "Yep, he sure did."

RVD continues, "Then what I said stands, then. Your friend's dating a loser."

Lita shakes her head incredulously, "...wow."

* * *

(So as they ride on, we'll join up with Tazz, Show, and Test as they're already in Pennsylvania...)

Show: Hey Test, not too far from here is the spot where we saw X-Pac panhandling.

Test raises and eyebrow, "Yeah?"

Tazz smiles and says, "Yeah, man you shoulda' seen it. It was pathetic."

Test laughs, "Damn. Hahaha--hey, it couldn't be any worse than what happened to Jamal or-or Mike 'Chucky' Awesome."

Show says, "Damn, that WAS a trip, though. Mike 'Chucky' Awesome, hahahaa!"

Tazz points, "Yeah man--hey guys, check out that car!"

(Tazz points out to a "car" approaching them on the opposite side of the highway.)

Show asks, "Hey, that's HBK! Where's he goin' in such a hurry?"

Test shrugs, "I dunno', but, I DO like his car, though."

Tazz suggests, "Well, judging from the looks of THIS car, It doesn't come as much of a surprise, actually."

Test asks, "What's that supposed t'mean?"

"Well It's simple, YOUR car's a big boot, and HIS car is a church shoe."

Test nods, "Hm, you're right. Oh well, I still like his car, though."

Show says, "Hey, speaking of HBK, did you hear what he plans to start doing?"

Tazz asks, "Doing about what?"

"Well, HBK's made it known to quite a few of the boys now that ever since he got "saved" and all, he NOW wants to start wearing church shoes instead of wrestling boots."

Tazz and Test look at each other befuddles and say, "WHAT?"

Show shrugs, "Yeah man, he said that he'll still dress in his normal ring gear--you know, the vest, tights, and what not--but he wants to wear church shoes with his in-ring gear. I know, I know--it sounds ridiculous, but as you know, you can't tell Deacon Michaels anything!"

(So Tazz and Test share a good laugh together...)

Tazz laughs, "Hahahaaa---'Deacon Michaels'! HA, that's rich!"

Test adds, "Hey guys, hey guys, speaking of odd things--remember Taker's 'gorgeous' wife, Sara?"

(All three guys just break out laughing)

Show smiles, "Oh yeah, I remember THAT broad. HA! As a matter of fact, I'm still tryin' to FORGET!"

Tazz says, "Yeah. Y'know, after seein' Sara for the first time, I developed a new-found respect for ol' Taker. I mean, I congratulate ANYONE who could wake up to somethin' that looks like HER every morning! WHEW!"

Test says, "Yeah, and here we thought Rodney Mack had a strong stomach!"

Show says, "Well, yeah he does! HE has JAZZ! You know, I think I see why Taker won't retire--and also, I can't see Rodney retiring, cause y'know, I think Jazz has his number."

Tazz asks, "Whadd'you mean by that?"

Show explains, "Well, think about it. If Taker retired, then he'd have to go back home to, ugh, Sara. And, as far as Rodney Mack goes, Jazz has him 'all up in check', so to say. I'm willing to bet that Jazz won't retire till Rodney does, that way he's FORCED to be seen in public with her when they're on the road. I mean, have you ever seen them kiss? It's like, Jazz is REALLY into it, while Rodney always has a slight cringe on his face!"

Test smiles and says, "Yeah I HAVE seen that! It's funny, if you ask me! Hey he sometimes tells me that she likes to play games, like he HAS to tell her that she's the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on, if he doesn't, she won't let him in the hotel room until he does. He also has to say, out LOUD, mind you, that she's 'God's gift to men'. Get this, he also says that she sometimes pulls this in MALLS! Do you BELIEVE that shit?"

(So all three have a good hearty laugh at the expense of "the beautiful people". And with that, another chapter ends.)

* * *

Look, I'm just going to be up-front about it--I just don't feel like asking any absurd questions this time. All of a sudden I can't think of anything. How do you like that shit? I get writer's block AFTER I finish!

However, as always, you can tune in next time---same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(So When we left last, our superstars were in Pennsylvania, heading toward New York. Right now, we'll join Evolution and Madusa...)

Cowboy Bob III says, "Hey champ, I'm a bit hungry. Whaddya' say we get something to eat?"

HHH replies, "Well, I'm not hungry. How 'bout you guys?"

Batista nods, "Yeah, I'm hungry."

Flair says, "Me too, champ."

(At this time, Madusa suddenly reaches inside her shirt, pulls out a pair of handcuffs, bends over, and cuffs her ankle to H's ankle...)

HHH, alarmed, asks, "What the-- What the hell are you doing?"

Madusa says, "You gotta' help me, H. You just GOTTA'!"

HHH asks, "Me? Why ME? Why not—"

Madusa simply says, "Because."

HHH sighs, "Because WHAT?"

"Because...you have influence. You can revive my career. I know I can be written into storylines SOMEHOW! PLEEEEZE H...HELP ME, PLEEEEEZE—"

"DAMN...ALRIGHT ALRIGHT--JUST STOP BOTHERING ME!"

"Ok, H--whatever you say."

"And STOP calling me "H"! Call me champ!"

"Oh, ok...champ!"

"That's better! Now, we're about to get somethin' to eat--you want anything?"

Madusa asks, "What restaurant?"

Batista says, "Well, up at this next exit, there's a McDonald's."

Madusa's eyes light up, "Oooooh, I LOVE Mickey D's!"

Flair asks, "What? You actually LIKE that crap?"

Cowboy Bob III grimaces and says, "Yecch! Personally, I never understood how ANYONE could eat the crap they serve--aside from the fries, that is."

Batista nods, "Yeah, you're right. Their fries are just...the cat's meow!"

Evolution looks at Batista strangely, "THE CAT'S MEOW?"

Batista asks, "What? What'd I say?"

Hebner, voice muffled from inside of the trunk, even says, "The cat's MEOW?"

HHH says, "Batista, man no one says THAT anymore!"

Batista strokes his chin, "Hm...well, color ME corrected."

Flair says, "Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we go to the Waffle House?"

(Evolution mumbles together in agreement...)

HHH shrugs, "Ok, sure. I guess I could use a li'l wafflage."

Evolution looks among each other and asks, "WAFFLAGE?"

HHH asks, "What? What'd I say?"

Flair says, "Champ, no one says THAT any--ohh...nevermind."

* * *

(So Evolution eventually find their way to a Waffle House, where, AGAIN HHH puts himself over EVERYBODY in the joint. Meanwhile we'll rejoin Rob and Lita as they make their way though northern Pennsylvania.)

Lita asks, "Hey dude, how far d'you think we have left to go?"

RVD says, "Still a couple hundred miles, I'd guess."

"Hey Rob, I meant to ask you--you, uh, seein' anybody?"

"Dude, hells yeah!"

Lita smiles, "Yeah? Well who?"

"Lately, I've been seein' Dawn Marie!"

"Dawn MARIE? Damn, I'd have never guessed. She's your type?"

"Ha! Dude, you have NO idea!"

Lita says, "Ok, I'm listening."

"Lita, this chick KNOWS her weed. I mean, she can roll a joint in like, no time flat. That's my main reason for moving to SmackDown, anyway! After the night's over, we'll usually meet up behind the building and smoke a joint or two together in my lockerroom."

"Oh, you mean the janitor's closet?"

RVD nods, "Yep, that's the place. Y'know, another reason I'm seein' her is..."

"Is what?"

RVD, smiling devilishly, says, "That big, fat...ASS! Lita, her ass is like, like something out of a Rubens painting. She LOVES when I tell her that, too! Personally, I like it when she just sits between my legs and starts grinding--Dude, you just--you just have no idea..."

Lita rolls her eyes, "Uh...ya, I think that might be a little too much info, dude. Try to tone it down a little."

RVD points out, "Oh, so what you're tellin' me is that you can look at friggin' BESTIALITY mags and I can't talk about my girlfriend grinding on me?"

Lita laughs, "See...I KNEW I shouldn't have told you that!"

"Naah..you just should've been more careful about your surroundings in a store that size, dude!"

"Alright, alright...you got me on that one, haha!"

RVD nods, "Damn straight!"

* * *

(So as Rob and Lita continue north, we'll check in on, ummmm...Spike, Albert, Arquette, and Pauly Shore)

Spike says, "Hey Albert, this was a good idea. You know, with Pauly Shore back there!"

Albert smiles, "Yeah, I gotta' give you some credit! You are indeed a sick, sick man--I LOVE it, haha!"

Arquette asks, "Hey guys, so, uh, you just want me to tow your car up to this here gas station, then?"

Albert smiles, "Yeah, could you? I suddenly have ANOTHER plan for our car thief back there!"

(So David finds a gas station and Albert "unhooks" their "cars"...using Pauly Shore!)

Pauly, in obvious pain, "OWW, OWWW--could someone PLEASE get this rope from around me!!! My nuts are killin' me and I'm having trouble breathing!"

Albert yells, "Shaddup! You fuckin' DESERVE it! I SHOULD just let you stay like that, but I'm in a hurry! Spike, untie him!"

(So Spike unties Pauly. The way Pauly was tied up was that a rope was tied around his body--in between his legs, looping around his neck, and finally attached to the rear car as his right ankle was duct-taped to the rear bumper of Arquette's phone booth-car.)

Spike finishes untying him and says, "Alright crybaby, you happy now?"

Pauly whines, "Hey, what about my ankle?"

Albert glances at Pauly, smiling, and says, "Hey Spike, David, c'mere!"

(Albert, Spike, and David huddle together for a few seconds then walk toward Pauly grinning.)

Pauly asks, "Hey, wha-what are you gonna' do to me? Why are you all smiling?"

Albert says, "Hey David, follow us!"

Pauly asks, "What the--what about my ankle ? Someone needs to free my ankle!"

(Arquette climbs into his vehicle and starts the motor. Albert and Spike get back in Albert's hairy car and drive off with Arquette in tow.)

Pauly, being dragged by Arquette's "car", yells, "WHOOOA, HEY---STOP THIS THING, STOP! HEEEELLLLLP! I-I'M SORRY I WON'T DOOOO IT AGAAAAIIIIIN---AAAAAARRRGH!"

* * *

(So we leave Arquette, Spike, and a much happier Albert as they make their way north, with Pauly Shore's arms waving frantically as he's dragged along with them, bumping and scraping the road. Now, we'll join Test, Show, and Tazz)

Show looks out of his window and says, "Hey guys, look!"

Tazz asks, "Where?"

"Over there!"

Test asks, "What are y'all looking at?"

Tazz says, "Hey, slow down a little. Take a look over there!"

Test, trying to get a good vantage while driving, says, "I still can't see—"

Show says, "Look in that video store over there."

Test smiles, "Ohhh--haha! Yeah, I see!"

Tazz says, "Yeah it's X-Pac!"

Test nods, "Yep, that's him all right! He's--what's he doing?"

Show cups his hand over his mouth, saying, "Oooooh! Someone just shoved him out of the store!"

Tazz adds, "Yeah--hey, what's that tape he's holdin'?"

Test asks, "Yeah, where'd he GET that? I KNOW the video store ain't just gonna' let someone HAVE a tape!"

Show points out, "Tazz, Test, don't you know?"

Test asks, "Know what?"

Show says, "Damn, I gotta' tell y'all EVERYTHING! X-Pac and Chyna just made a hardcore sex tape."

Tazz and Test ask, "They did WHAT?"

Show says, "They made a porno together--at SOME point. Y'know, if you think about what's going on here, it's pretty obvious."

Tazz asks, "What is?"

Show shakes his head, "Damn, you're dense! Think about it, man. X-Pac's a bum, pure and simple. He needs money--and in the worst kind of way. He and Chyna--someone ELSE who, I'd imagine, could use some spare change--made a porno together. In this world we live in, sex sells--lets face it, right? Ok then, my estimation is that X-Pac went into that video store and ACTUALLY tried to sell those people his porno tape. Well, from what we can see here, it doesn't seem as though they're interested--just to put it mildly."

Test and Tazz, looking at each other, both say, "Ohhhhh, I get it NOW!"

Show sarcastically nods and says, "Yeah!" (rolls his eyes)

Tazz, looking out window again, says, "Man, it seems poor X-Pac can't BUY a break, huh?"

Test, glancing out window while driving, laughs, "Haha! Wait'll I tell THIS one to the boys! They're gonna' LOVE this!"

(So as X-Pac continues to argue with the video store manager, Show, Tazz, and Test continue their journey up north.)

* * *

So, this winds up yet another chapter in this...saga. Tune in next time--same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

Please review, thanks!


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly!

(Ok so when we left off last, our superstars were going through northern Pennsylvania toward New York. We'll rejoin them as they have finally reached New York state.)

Cowboy Bob III excitedly says, "Alright, looks like we finally hit New York!"

Batista says, "Yeah, I just hope we beat everybody back to Mr. McMahon's office."

HHH smirks, "Don't worry, I'm sure we will. I don't see anybody else around."

Flair nods, "Yeah, that's true. But, what if that means that we're actually BEHIND everyone else?"

HHH thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm...you're right."

Batista says, "Aww damn!"

Flair asks, "What's wrong?"

"Traffic."

HHH, looking out the window, says, "Damn...NOW how are we gettin' there on time?"

Batista, sighs and shrugs, "I dunno, I guess we have to wait for this traffic to clear."

* * *

(Trips looks out of the window, frustrated. Surrounded by traffic, Evolution just decides to wait it out. So as they're stuck in traffic, Rob and Lita are on clearer streets.)

Lita says, "Ok Rob, d'you know how to get to the offices from here?"

RVD replies, "I'm not too familiar with this part of town. I'm gonna' drive up the road a piece and try to find something familiar."

Lita asks, "Uh, Rob? How about we just ask for directions?"

"What? Ask for DIRECTIONS?! Ha, yeah RIGHT! I don't need no directions because I'm Rob, Van, Dam!"

Lita sighs, "You know, you're just like Matt."

"What do you mean?"

"Matt doesn't like asking directions, either. You know, now that I think about it, it must be a "man" thing, right?"

"Now what's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Well, every man I've ever known--including my dad--NEVER asked for directions, come to think of it."

"Yeah yeah, I understand all that. But-but I'm Rob, Van, Dam!"

"Whatever."

"I'll show you that we don't need no stinkin' directions. Let me just drive around for a few more minutes, you'll see."

(So RVD drives around New York City for about a half hour, unknowingly circling the same block several times and then...)

RVD, rolling down his window, asks, "Uh, excuse me sir? But do you know how to get to the WWE offices from here?"

Lita, snickering to herself and shaking her head, "...told you."

RVD looks over and says, "Shut up."

* * *

(So as Rob gets directions, we'll join up with Tazz, Test, and Show)

Show sighs, "Well Tazz, it sure has been an...interesting trip, to say the least."

Tazz smiles, "Hah, you ain't lyin' brotha'."

Show says, "Yeah, what happened? --Yeah, first we ran into X-Pac, then Planethead Stasiak—"

Test asks, "You ran into ol' Planethead?! Where's he at these days?"

(Show and Tazz glance at each other smiling)

Tazz says, "Oh, uh, he works in the food industry."

"Food industry?"

Show adds, "Yeah, he's a food service specialist."

Test asks, "What's a 'food service specialist'?"

Show explains, "Alright, in laymen's terms--he works at a Hardee's down in Virginia."

Test asks, "What? You-you mean that he went from working in WWE to...HARDEE'S?"

Tazz shrugs, "Yep. S'funny ain't it?"

Test smiles, "Ya' damn right it's funny!"

Show nods, "Yeah! Who else did we see? --Oh yeah, we saw Jeff Hardy!"

Test asks, "Jeff Hardy? What's HE up to these days?"

Tazz laughs, "Hahaha--he's a whore!"

Test asks, "He's a WHAT?"

Show adds, "Yeah man, Tazz is right. Jeff's a whore and a cross-dresser."

"Wow. That's somethin'!"

Tazz smiles, "Ha! Ya' damn right!"

Show says, "Oh yeah! Before I forget, just before we met up with you, you know that Taco Bell you—"

Test cuts him off, "--Oh yeah, the one with Chavo Classic running it. Yeah, I remember the first time I saw THAT, man! I was in hysterics! Oh yeah, don't eat that 'Chavo's classic' taco he has!"

Tazz and Show look at each other and shudder, "Yeah, we heard."

(Test pulls in front of the building, Tazz jumps out and Show follows him...)

Test says, "Alright! We're here! Hurry up and go, here come the others!"

(So now, Evolution's finally out of the traffic jam and have made a running start toward the building, Rob and Lita are double-parked outside, and Spike, Albert, Arquette, and Pauly Shore are all running toward the very crowded WWE building trying to rush up to Vinnie Mac's office to be the first to present their findings.)

* * *

(Well I'm going to end this chapter here. The next chapter will be the final one!)

Please review, thanks!


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I don't own a DAMN thang!

(Ok when we left off last, all of the superstars were heading inside the building towards Mr. McMahon's office. We'll now join Vince inside his office.)

Vince, pacing back and forth anxiously, asks, "Brisco, what the devil is taking them so LONG?"

Brisco says, "Well Mr. MacMahon, I saw all of them pull into the parking lot a few minutes ago."

Vince, looking out the window, says, "Oh yeah, I see."

Brisco replies, "Don't worry, sir. I'm sure they'll be here quickly."

Vince answers, "Well they'd better hurry! I'm horny dammit!"

Brisco, handing a magazine to Vince, "Why don't you look at month BEFORE last's edition of your magazine?"

Vince, slapping the magazine on the floor, yells, "Dammit, I'm sick of seeing the same tits, I need to see NEW tits, my life needs some variety! I mean, think about it--seasons change, years go by, car manufacturers come out with some fad car every year that's supposed to be the "new revolution" of the auto industry--what I'm saying is that, regular people get new cars, the earth gets new seasons, and Vince McMahon gets new jugs...t'look at!"

Brisco nods, "Hey, I understand Mr. MacMahon, but it's just—"

Vince, interrupting, "--Just go see what's keeping those idiot employees of mine!"

Brisco, nodding and exiting, says, "Ye-yes Mr. MacMahon! Right away."

(So Brisco leaves and just as he's leaving, Pat Patterson is coming in.)

Patterson says, "Hey Mr. McMahon, I was just wondering—"

Vince yells, "What the HELL? Why do you have my wife's dress on? Furthermore, what did I tell you about knocking?"

Patterson shrugs, "Gee I'm sorry Mr. McMahon, I thought you'd like the dress."

Vince yells, "WHAT? What the hell would make you think I'd wanna' see your old ass in a DRESS?! And for the LAST time, I'm STRAIGHT, dammit! See the ring? It's a symbol of love and respect that I have for my wife!"

Patterson shrugs, "But Mr. McMahon, if you have so much respect for your wife, why do you look at so much porn?"

Vince hesitates, "That-that's different! Besides, you don't need to know! Go get me some coffee...or something! Oh and get Stephanie in here!"

(So then Patterson leaves and a couple minutes later, Stephanie shows up with a sub in one hand and a gyro in the other.)

Stephanie comes in chewing something, "Mmm...yes daddy?"

Vince asks, "Steph darling, did you see your husband anywhere in this building?"

Stephanie, STILL chewing, says, "No daddy, I called him a few hours ago, though."

"Oh well, ok then."

Stephanie says, "Oh yeah, mom wanted you to stop by the 7-11 and pick her up some Depends."

Vince, sighs and rolls his eyes, "Dammit! THIS is why I have these damn porn runs every year! If it ain't ONE thing, it's ANOTHER! I just can't win for trying! If it isn't Linda and her damn bedwetting, if it's not you and your...determination to relieve this country of it's entire food supply, if it isn't your big-nosed husband and his damn political games ruining my family's business, if it isn't Shane and Patterson making eyes at each other all the time, if it isn't some cruiserweight running in here unannounced tattling on Bradshaw for 'rubbing up against them', if it isn't some group of divas running in here playing 'keep away' with Spike's underwear, if it isn't fuckin' Viacom coming down on my ass because of low ratings and buyrates, then it's my WONDERFUL creative staff coming up with--as they say—'new and improved storylines that'll bring back the viewers'…my ASS!"

(Stephanie reaches in her purse and pulls out a bag of ribs and starts sucking the meat off of one as she just stands there looking at Vince go off while she's eating.)

Vince continues, "And we can't forget the--DAMMIT Steph! Put that damn bag of ribs down!" (He snatches the bag from her and throws it out the window.)

Steph yells, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Vince, disgusted, asks, "Geez, how does Paul put up with you? That's why you come crying to me every time Paul makes a comment about your weight!"

Steph, tears welling up in her eyes, "B-but daddy-"

Vince interrupts, "Don't you 'but daddy' ME! Stop eating all the damn time and maybe, just MAYBE you won't have to crying to me when Paul comments on your weight!"

(Suddenly, a rumbling sound--sort of like a stampede--could be heard from just outside in the secretary's office, along with a bunch of yelling.)

Vince happily says, "Oh here they come! Oh boy, porn at LAST!"

(Then the door bursts open and Flair and Spike are stuck in the doorway.)

Flair pleads, "C'mon Spike, let me in first! I promise, mmph, I'll give you a title shot!"

Spike argues, "No way, hrrrgh, you think I'm falling for THAT?"

(So as Spike and Flair struggle to get in, the rest of Evolution is trying to keep everyone else at bay.)

Show says, "Hey Tazz, take this and walk underneath their legs to get in the office!"

(So Tazz takes the drink and walks underneath the struggle toward Vince's office.)

Tazz, panting, says, "Alright, Mr. McMahon, here's your drink!"

Vince, ignoring the struggle that's still taking place in his doorway, says, "Ok, good work Tazz--Hey wait a minute, wait a damn MINUTE!"

Tazz asks, "What's wrong, sir?"

Vince angrily asks, "Dammit, where's the porn? I asked you morons for beer and PORN!"

Tazz simply says, "...oops."

"'Oops' is right! Go and get me some porn, or YOOOOOOOUUUU'RRRRRE FIIIIIIIRRRRRRED!"

Tazz nods and says, "Ye-yes sir!"

(So Tazz crawls back under the hubbub and confronts Show...)

Tazz calmly asks, "Show?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you, uh, did you get BOTH things?"

Show, looking around frantically, says, "Of COURSE I di—"

Tazz, still calm, asks, "You f'got, didn't you?"

(Show nods and just hangs his head as Tazz consoles him and they make their way back down the stairs.)

Albert yells, "Hey Spike, toss me the stuff!"

(Spike tosses the beer and the magazine to Albert, who then hands it to Arquette.)

Albert says, "Ok Dave, do what Tazz just did, you know, crawl underneath the mess up there and give these to Vince."

Arquette asks, "Y'sure about this?"

Albert, motioning frantically, says, "Yeah yeah, g'head!"

(So now Arquette crawls underneath the struggle and arrives inside Vince's office.)

Vince, looking up suddenly, asks, "Who in the hell—"

Arquette says, "Hey Mr. McMahon, I came with Spike and wook--I mean, Albert."

Vince squints and says, "Hey, you-you're David Arquette, aren't you?"

Arquette proudly says, "The one and only!"

Vince says, "You have my beer and my porn! (looking closely at the magazine) Yep, and it's the latest edition, too! Please, have a seat, young man! I'll be right back."

(Vince walks to the doorway, where the others are still struggling to get inside.)

Vince, trying to talk over the mess, "UH, EXCUSE ME?"

(The crowd goes silent.)

Vince says, "The race is now over, I have winners, David Arquette, Spike, and Albert!"

(EVERYONE, except Spike and Albert, is groaning and complaining. Spike leaps in Albert's arms as they celebrate.)

Vince says, "I would like to thank each and every one of you for your efforts. Good bye!"

(While the wrestlers are trying to ask questions and voice themselves, Vince motions for Albert and Spike, then closes his door.)

Vince says, "Ok gentlemen, this is how it's going to work. This will be a three-way position. You must work coherently and make all decisions as one so that the show can flow smoothly."

Albert smiles, "No problem."

Spike says, "Same here."

Arquette replies, "Nope, no problem here."

Vince says, "Then it's settled. I need you three to report to RAW next week an hour earlier than everyone else."

Albert nods, "Ok Mr. McMahon, no problem."

(So next week RAW rolls around and our three guys are in their new capacity. A few bitter attitudes in the lockerroom, but otherwise a smooth show. I'll just go and recap what happened. Albert booked himself to squash all the cruiserweights, calling it "Albert's cruiserweight invitational", Spike came to the ring with a sportcoat on over his wrestling gear and called Evolution down to ringside. He made them all lay down in the middle of the ring, under penalty of a 60 percent pay cut for defiance, and called out ALL of the divas. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a referee shirt, he then orders each diva to pin the Evolution member of their choosing. The audience LOVED this. Spike then had random women come out of the audience to pin any member of Evolution that they wanted to. Finally, after about 30 minutes of this, Spike then pinned Flair. After Spike scored the pinfall, he had Evolution escorted out of the arena by security. As he made his way up the ramp, he DEMANDED, not asked, but DEMANDED that JR call him a hoss or he'd hire Ernest Miller back and make him his new announce partner--needless to say, JR readily obliged. Finally, Arquette had only one order of business. He came out to the ring to Hulk Hogan's old entrance theme and booked himself to defeat Chris Benoit for the title. That's right ladies and gents--Arquette is, once again, the new world heavyweight champ!)

Thanks for sticking around so long, and thanks to all my reviewers for taking the time out to (hopefully) smile a couple times at my story.

P.S. --By the way, as far as Pauly Shore goes, he was booked by Arquette, Spike, AND Albert in a "Pauly Shore on a pole" match, where Jazz and Rico battled to win a date with him. Heh, pick your winner here, folks.

Please, let me know what you thought of the...adventure.


End file.
